celebrate mistakes

thoughts at 2:45 am

2008-07-27T02:44:00.008-05:00

do you ever look back at all the people you have met in your life and have a strong feeling that some of those chapters haven't ended yet, even though it has been years since you have spoken to them?

it's a heavy thought on my heart tonight.

getting rid of noise, pt 2

2008-07-06T22:17:00.002-05:00

so to update you on my last challenge to myself, i failed. it is so hard for me to sit in my car in complete silence, especially when i had a holiday weekend and drove a lot!
i did make it sunday-thursday morning, which is pretty good, but still i didn't make it the whole week...

but i did learn things in this process. i truly believe God speaks to us through everything, i was brought to tears while driving one day because i felt His love. so i don't think that music drowns it all out, but there are sometimes i just need to sit in silence to really focus and have that conversation with Him.

i also realized that i still love music, it's easy for the love of it to fall away when you are surrounded by it and its your job. i had an awesome 'workout playlist' that i listened to on two of my walks this weekend and listened to a great 'worship playlist' that really helped me. uncool or not, music still moves me.

so there you have it, maybe i didn't fail afterall :)

i have no challenges for this week other than to make it through. it's going to be a hard one that doesn't really end (i leave for a business trip on saturday).

getting rid of noise

2008-06-29T22:09:00.004-05:00

a couple weeks ago i wrote an entry 'speeding through life'. to recap you on it, i challenged myself to go the speed limit ALL THE TIME.

monday morning (after making this challenge) i was driving to work and was running super late and there is a section of my drive that the speed limit is 30 mph, but everyone normally goes like 40, but i went 30 that morning. and you know who was waiting at that corner? a cop with a radar gun! he stopped my car and told me to proceed and pulled the car behind me over. ANY other morning i would have been speeding, so i truly believe that God honors our random attempts to get closer to him.

this brings me to this week's challenge. in church the topic was prayer and being more of a listener than a talker when we spend time with God. while trying to fit more quiet times into my schedule i thought, i spend a lot of time in my car, i need to drive in silence for the week. so this week i will not play a cd or turn on the radio while running around nashville (which anyone who knows me will be very difficult). but i do hope for some great conversation, especially listening with my amazing God this week :)

change

2008-06-23T22:40:00.002-05:00

it's hard for me to let go of things that i have held on to so tightly. with new things come new hope, but what if that hope doesn't sustain? that is my biggest fear in change, what if it is never that good again? granted, living in the past is never a good thing to do. but change is scary and i know God will catch me when i fall and carry me through the tough times, but i am still scared...

i was going through old blogs trying to find one specifically but didn't end up finding it. however, i did re-read this one he doesn't even need a label maker and it comforts my fear to know that i am not in control and there is a much better person in charge of organizing my life :)

speeding through life

2008-06-08T21:45:00.002-05:00

today my pastor said something that i felt was directed at me as if it were a brick thrown at my head. he talked about being addicted to hurrying which i do, i am always in a rush, i can't sit down and relax, i NEVER take naps, it's how i've been since i was born :)

so my challenge to myself this week is simple yet difficult... drive the speed limit

we all do it, go 5-10 miles above, just enough to not really feel like we're breaking the law... but this week, i am going to try not to be in such a rush and to begin it will be with driving. i'll report how it goes in a few days.

psalm 39:4-5

2008-05-26T21:19:00.002-05:00

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. remind me that my days are numbered--how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. my entire lifetime is just a moment to You; at best, each of us is but a breath.

here it goes and this won't take long...

2008-05-10T19:19:00.003-05:00

the starting line (1999-2008)

while at bamboozle last weekend i had the privilege to watch the starting line one last time at their final show as a band...

i believe i picked up the first full-length album (say it like you mean it) on a whim, i had heard "up and go" on a drive thru sampler years and years ago and decided that i will go ahead and buy the album. it was during the time where i was beginning to really get into music so that album specifically reminds me a ton of my time in college :) and it's just a fun listen, along with the rest of their catalog.

i loved the starting line and its sad to see them go, but it was great to see them close out their set with dozens of people on the stage all finishing out "best of me" - we got older, but we're still young, we never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up

a view from the ground...

2008-04-27T21:27:00.002-05:00

on wednesday, i woke up a little excited as gma week was wrapping up and there was hope soon for some rest. though exhausted i left the apartment at about 6:30am to do some quick things in the office and then head out to downtown nashville for many meetings.

i make to nashville at about 7:45ish, enough time to find parking and make it into the hotel for meetings. i walk up to the machine, pay my money and head back towards the car to put the slip on my dashboard when all of a sudden, PAIN and then i hit the ground. my right foot went inward on the uneven gravel and i collapsed.
kneeling on the ground and frustrated i had almost no will to get up...

there was NOTHING inside me that wanted to give enough energy to pull myself back up and limp towards my car, nothing. i had hit the bottom (more than literally), the build up of frustration, sadness and anger in my life culminated in that parking lot in downtown nashville. i was so angry with God, why would this happen when i have 48,326,294,534 things going on and don't have time to deal with a hurt ankle?

in the end, i do believe that everything happens according to God's plan and well, my hurt ankle was necessary in a way. it taught me that i need to learn how to get back up, how to recover, cope and move on. i have fallen and hurt my ankles SEVERAL times, ask anyone, but never have i had this hard of a time getting up. this may make no sense, but i think back to that moment right now and think about getting up from that fall and i tear up.

currently in the series we are going through at church, it's about what to do when our dreams are shattered, how to deal with the plan b... the woman in the video we watched today said, there is no plan b, everything that happens was supposed to happen, nothing is a surprise to God... and though that is hard to deal with at times, i have to hope that there is something bigger than me right now that is guiding me in life.

somehow, that day, i got up. it could have been an extra bolt of energy, maybe i got some help; but i did get up, i hobbled to my car and sat and cried. i drank some water, regained composure and hobbled into my meeting a few minutes late. i went to the doctor later that afternoon and had some x-rays done to make sure there wasn't any crazy damage, and it was just a sprain. i have a brace and am still not sprinting :) i do believe that its moments like that (physically and emotionally) where getting up is the last thing you want to do after falling, but its necessary, no one wants to remain stagnant, right?

at the end of church today, one of our pastors was talking about a gps system and how when he missed a turn, the system would say recalibrating and then recover; he said wouldn't it be great if our hearts and minds could take something like a missed turn in life and recalibrate so quickly? it would be awesome, but then again, missing a turn (though no on our path to wherever we were intending) could lead us down a prettier path...

give everything

2008-04-13T19:55:00.005-05:00

"Jesus sat near the temple money box and watched the people put in their money. many rich people gave large sums of money. then a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which were only worth a few cents.

calling his followers to him, Jesus said, "i tell you the truth, this poor widow gave more than all those rick people. they gave only what they did not need. this woman is very poor, but she gave all she had; she gave all she had to live on."

mark 12:41-44 (ncv)

i swear God has sent this message into my life a million times this past week, so i guess it's time that i actually reflect on it.

a lot has happened in the last couple weeks that i think have turned me from being unhappy to just being completely bitter. for a while it felt like God had forgotten about me, that my prayers were being sent into some black hole and never to be heard and i was upset. funny thing is, i did pray for his will to be done but i think deep down i prayed for his will to be done as long as i was ok with it :) so like any mature parent to a child who has a lot to learn, God let me cry and scream on the floor while going through my anger and then i stopped, came up for some air and began to reevaluate.

while i am still not in a place where i completely understand why things are happening the way they do and i am still going to be mad and unhappy at times i feel like i am coming out of this a little wiser.

on friday night i went to go see donald miller (author of blue like jazz) speak and what he said had me in tears because it's like he put a flashlight on all those dark corners of my heart that i wanted to not think about. but one of the things that resonated with me since then was that he said we need to 'give everything' and not financially but our hearts, whatever we are doing we need to do it with all of us. he also gave the example of when they went to machu pucchu in peru that they came to a point where if they went one way they would make it to machu picchu in 6 hours but the other way would take about 4 days and they would have to climb up a large mountain. the 6 hour route really was only for cargo, the villagers wanted visitors to go the 4 day route so when they did arrive at their destination they would be tired but also grateful and more appreciative of it. i think we are sent on the 4 day hikes sometimes so that when we make it to the end we can be that much more grateful.

but it doesn't end there :) there are times where i volunteer at kidstuff at church. i run the sound effects and music and its always a fun time. it's amazing though, because i am always surprised at how much i learn from the message geared towards kids. this month's theme is joy and being joyful even when you don't feel like being joyful. today one of the characters felt like God didn't like him because things weren't going his way but his friends reminded me of times where he went through trials but if they hadn't happened then their lives would be considerably different.

at church we've been in a series called plan b: what to do when your dreams are shattered and we've gone through great examples in the bible where things do not make sense while they are happening but at the end of the story that crazy puzzle piece was needed for the big picture. today we learned about joseph and how he was faithful though he was sold into slavery by his brothers and jailed for doing the right thing, etc. we were challenged today with the following question:

what would you do if you were completely confident that God was with you?

joseph was completely confident even in times where he did everything right but ended up in some sort of dilemma.

not sure if those all tie in together for you, but they go hand in hand in my head :) lots of writing and lots for me to digest, so i will leave you with that. good night.

replace your tired heart with mine

2008-04-03T21:09:00.004-05:00

today i am sad.

i am sure it will get better as time progresses and healing begins, but today i am sad and i am ok with that. yesterday some amazing people lost their jobs where i work and there has been and will be a lot of change. and to be quite honest, the change has happened too fast for me to digest. i know what some of you are thinking, nicole, it's just a place of work... but seriously, it is more than that, i spend 40+ hours with these people every week and many of them were my first friends after moving to nashville and have now become my good friends.

the music industry is a horrible one right now for profits, etc. and i understand that it needs to happen and it is expected but for right now i am going to send my my heart out to my friends and just be sad.

the past several weeks, or probably more like several months have eroded at my spirit (for more reasons than just at work) and i have sadly let that happen.

but the great thing about being sad is that i can take comfort in things. my teddy bear, pictures of good times, great conversations with friends and family and of course, music. i know i work in the music industry and its easy to forget what its like to be a fan of music rather than just work in it. i came home today, laid in my bed, stared at the ceiling and listened to 'astronomy' by bleach. i haven't listened to the album in a long time, but i was just going through my stack of cds and saw it and thought PERFECT... then i continued the evening with no television, a little internet (to chat with friends and blog, of course) but with just a ton of music. some stuff i haven't had a chance to hear yet and some old favorites (i.e. astronomy). and now i am closing out the evening with some by sea.

all in all, music isn't a person or anything that can physically give me anything but it is comforting. it's like getting a hug and being assured that everything will be ok. so i leave with you tonight the lyrics to a song that really spoke to me tonight..

i haven't felt good in months

the well has run dry, all at once

the habits come easy, but they're so hard to break

i really need to hear, to hear you say

peace be still

i am with you

rest in me for one more night

peace be still

i am with you

replace your tired heart with mine

so i'll sing songs of life

for all these broken hearts

just like mine

and i'll lay down all this pride

so i can hear you whisper

that it's all right

peace be still

i am with you

rest in me for one more night

peace be still

i am with you

replace your tired heart with mine

and i'm so sorry

i haven't come home

but i'm coming home soon

"tired heart" by bleach

throwing a lifeline...

2008-03-31T21:34:00.002-05:00

tonight in my bible study while i was talking about the craziness that is my life our leader told the following analogy...

have you ever heard of the guy who was standing on the top of his roof because his house and surrounding area was flooding and he prayed and prayed for help. a boat came by and offered him help, but he said 'oh God will take care of me because i am praying' and he turned down the boat; then a bigger boat came by and he did the same thing; finally, a helicopter came and he again sent them away because he was so focused on praying.
the man eventually died and when he got to heaven he asked God why he hadn't rescued him, for he was praying, and God was the one who sent the two boats and helicopter.

the story was probably told way better than how i just told it but i had the realization tonight that what maybe in front of me is what i have been praying for...

as i referenced not too many blogs ago, the storm is here and i am driving through it... but for once, though i am horrified beyond anything, i realize that i am not driving through it, but am only in the passenger seat.

hope.

2008-03-22T20:28:00.005-05:00

sitting here at my desk on a saturday night while 'eleanor rigby' is playing on my itunes i try to sit and digest my day. the subject matter of the song i am currently listening to kind of ties into what the sermon was about at church (well at least in my head it does :)). i would have bet that today's sermon going be on the resurrection of Christ, and though my pastor did touch on the subject a lot the underlying message what what do we have hope in?

do we have hope in something or someone? and he said something that almost had me in tears, that everything that i put hope in (earthly) will let me down someday and i know this is true, i am living through a let down of something i had great hope in in my life right now. but it just breaks my heart because we fill ourselves with hopes and dreams when really the only hope we should have is that God will take care of us.

does that mean that i shouldn't have hopes and dreams? i don't think so, but i know i do need to learn not to put all my eggs in one basket. (which is where eleanor rigby comes in) one of my biggest hopes is to one day find my future husband and especially when going through holidays and big decisions it would be nice to just have someone there to bounce stuff off of, you know? but i can't put all my hope in this guy when i do find him, that's not fair to him or me... not just that, but it goes with jobs, friends, family, etc. i cannot hope that these things/people will fulfill the role that only God can fill. does that make sense?

so i leave you with this question... what are you putting your ultimate hope in?

p.s. happy easter!

the soundtrack of my life

2008-03-17T20:43:00.003-05:00

so i was flipping through my cds trying to find something good to just read to and came across "my soundtrack" it's a mix i created almost three years ago according to certain times in life. it is pretty much perfect. though much more music has entered my collection in the last three years i am not sure i would change more than a song or two. these songs remind me of just falling in love with music.

1. opening credits

“life and love and why” by switchfoot
2. waking up
“banana pancakes” by jack johnson
3. average day
”the safety of routine” by name taken
4. first date
“so impossible” by dashboard confessional
5. falling in love
”cadence” by anberlin
6. love scene
”first day of my life” by bright eyes
7. sex scene
”mid-november” by johnathan rice
8. heartbreak
“sunday drive” by the early november
9. breakup
”rocks tonic juice magic” by saves the day
10. lesson learning
”on your porch” by the format
11. life's okay
”holiday in spain” by the counting crows
12. flashback
”campfire kansas” by the get up kids
13. party scene
”sweetness” by jimmy eat world
14. regret scene
“standing on the edge of summer” by thursday
15. slow dance
“my reminder” by the beautiful mistake
16. happy dance
”tambourine” by the colour
17. long night alone
”a self portrait” by the lyndsay diaries
18. goodbye
”i remember you” by the ataris
19. closing credits
“all good things” by count the stars

its about time...

2008-03-15T23:58:00.003-05:00

i always always always write a blog about my favorite music picks for the year shortly after the new year and well... it's mid-march and i am a little late and i am going to change it up from previous years. (2006 & 2005)

this year it's the 2007 mixtape, one song from each of my favorite albums that will literally fit on a 2-sided 60 minute cassette tape. last year i really felt like i was inundated by music (i got everything that we distributed for the entire year) so i am not sure i had enough time to really digest all the music i received and even purchased. so forgive me if my list may not be as hip and trendy as yours, but it's mine so leave me alone :)

side a
as cities burn "clouds" (5:21) from come now sleep
the graduate "anhedonia" (3:33) from anhedonia
circa survive "the difference between medicine and poison is the dose" (4:17) from on letting go
thrice "open water" (3:46) from the alchemy index vol 1 & 2: fire and water
surrogate "death penalty" (3:36) from love is for the rich
anberlin "alexithymia" (3:23) from cities
photo atlas "handshake heart attack"(3:31) from no, not me never (2006) or the photo atlas (2007)
against me! "stop" (2:33) from new wave

side b

jimmy eat world "chase this light" (3:27) from chase this light
sherwood "song in my head" (3:50) from a different light

markéta irglová & glen hansard "when your mind's made up" (3:41) from the once soundtrack

robbie seay band "rise" (4:24) from give yourself away
rocket summer "do you feel" (2:41) from do you feel

mainstay "where your heart belongs" (the version that i have) (3:28) from become who you are

ruth "mr. turner" (4:09) from secondhand dreaming

yellowcard "shadows and regrets" (3:59) from paper walls

had i had more time, i would have added a song from these, here are my honorable mentions: lost ocean lost ocean, emery i'm only a man, the spill canvas no really, i'm fine, mobile tomorrow starts today, phil wickham cannons, raining and ok the devil on your shoulder

as i mentioned earlier, there are some albums i wished i had listened to more, maybe this year... saves the day under the boards, bright eyes cassadaga, minus the bear planet of ice, arcade fire neon bible

there you have it, 2007. not sure if it was my favorite year for music, but i am definitely looking forward to 2008 :)

10 items or less

2008-03-13T20:56:00.004-05:00

i just finished watching 10 items or less which was great (i recommend it).
throughout the movie they asked eachother to name lists of 10 items or less with different subjects such as things that you hate, or would want to keep, etc.

so here's a list - 10 items or less: keepers
1) sunshine
2) my ipod
3) a bible
4) people (friends, family, etc)
5) the ocean
6) my vans sneakers
7) little miss sunshine
8) a journal
9) sangria
10) mexican food

how about you? 10 items or less - keepers

driving into a storm

2008-03-08T23:10:00.005-06:00

right now i feel like i am driving on a stretch of highway and in front of me there are storm clouds, lots of rain, lightening, limited visibility and who knows what else. i know i will make it through the storm but i can't say that it will be easy, quick or i will end up on a road that i intended to end up on.

i am about to enter several weeks in my life that are going to be difficult and i honestly have no idea where i will be in 8 weeks but all i know is that it is going to suck to go through.

without going into all the crazy details, i guess this is my request for prayer because it is going to be a tough trip through a storm.

celebrating mistakes :)

2008-03-03T21:32:00.003-06:00

so my blog is called celebrate mistakes and well today, let's celebrate one :)

(a picture will come when i find my cord for my camera :))

a couple weeks ago, i wanted to iron the collar of a shirt because it was super wrinkly and i wanted to wear it the next day... SO like a true genius i figured i could do it without the aid of an ironing board. (kids don't do this at home) i did it ALL the time in college, when i had NO time and nothing to wear that wrinkle free spray could save i would grab the iron and iron it on my bed, no big deal, right? WRONG. so i am sitting on my bed. ironing away and next thing you know the iron decided to lean the other way while i had it sitting up and then lean up against my arm! my arm & hot iron = very bad. not only was it my arm, but it was the inside of my arm, so everytime i stretched my arm or would fold it, it was SUPER painful... (yeah, yeah, i know, it was my fault)

so here i am 16 days later. it has, for the most part, healed... however, there will forever be a scar there. which may be a good thing, i think if we don't have the scars of our past mistakes or injuries we will not be reminded as much of why it happened and perhaps never learn from our mistakes.

so this mistake i am going to celebrate, why you ask? because...

1) i will only iron with an ironing board from now on because next time it could take out my entire foot or who knows what?

2) it reminds me not to be in such a rush because well, i was in a rush and i got a burnt arm and stayed up way later than i would have had i set up an ironing board and...

3) i can choose to be angry or i can choose to celebrate :)

it has been too long since i have seen the ocean

2008-02-26T21:30:00.001-06:00

today i miss what i left behind

ispiratio

2008-02-25T21:25:00.002-06:00

the word inspire for the past couple weeks i feel has been all over my life so tonight i sat down and really wanted to dive into the word.
it is a beautiful word that has a long history but what really intrigued me was that it is connected to breathing and inhaling and i never really thought of the word inspire having any connection to breathing. it is interesting, depending on where you look it up it is connected to to breathe into, to take into the lungs, to inhale, etc.
after thinking about it for a few minutes, i can completely understand the connection to the physical act of bringing new air into my lungs. being inspired is like a breath of fresh air and usually with inspiration i usually shed some sort of negativity or something that frustrated me, which would be comparable to exhaling. this lead me to look up antonyms for inspire and saw words like extinguish, dissuade, etc.
we can't live if we don't breathe, and what is life without inspiration? if we were to stop breathing we would die and if we are never inspired we stay stagnant and never move forward. by not moving forward we then don't really live.
just one word but significant, just as one breath may be just a couple seconds but is necessary for life to continue...

tick-tock

2008-01-27T21:18:00.000-06:00

the last couple days i really feel like God has shown me a lot about timing.

yesterday i was watching one of my favorite movies "never been kissed" and the movie is a great sign of God not being able to give us more than we can handle. here you have a girl who is nerdy and didn't have the best reputation given a second chance to go to high school again. and i can only imagine what it would be like to be so vulnerable as to put yourself out there for all the world to either see you being rejected or accepted by the object of your affection. but when that zero second mark hits and she drops the microphone you really think that she has hit what i would consider 'the breaking point' but little did she know that her love was following close behind the ending of the countdown and she would soon get her first kiss. i really felt like this is how we live our lives, we get to the point of desperation or whatever to where we really do feel like we can't do it anymore (i.e. relationships, careers, etc.) but God won't let us fall, He won't let us go beyond what our true 'breaking point' would be. my perception of how much i can handle or not handle is very different than that of our creator...

my second lesson in timing came from one of my favorites, extreme makeover: home edition. i know i have referenced the show a couple times before (see "move that bus") but, to me, it is a great example of how grace works. the lesson i began to grasp while watching "never been kissed" was reiterated while watching the show tonight. this family had been out of a house for like 17 months and the 6 of them had been sharing like a 2 bedroom apartment and they had nothing (they lost it all in a flood), but right before they would have lost the apartment and the land that once was the foundation to their home they were blessed with a house. i'm sure 2, 5, 10 months into it they didn't think they could go on much further and right before it could have gotten way worse they were given the ability to start over and take a u-turn away from going over the edge.

over the past several weeks i have been really struggling with giving a couple things over to God and though i know, without a doubt, that He can and will take care of them. instead i dwell and stress over them, thinking that maybe the course of action will change or whatnot. but i think as i pray out for things to happen, He is stopping me and teaching me patience as well as an understanding that His timing just may be in my best interest (of course it is, but I am still stubborn at times :)).

who knows, maybe God is teaching me patience and helping me grow so that when something is put in front of me i won't run from it... (see "what am i running from")

well, i can guarantee that i will still pray for things i probably don't deserve or aren't in my best interest and i can also guarantee that i won't always be so patient; but i guess that's all in the process of learning and growing...

what am i running from?

2008-01-12T14:00:00.000-06:00

i have had two very clear and strange dreams (one of which was last night) that have told me that i am running from something...

i just have no idea what it could be?

so this is the new year...

2008-01-06T18:51:00.000-06:00

every year we start out with fireworks, some champagne, maybe even a kiss (if you're lucky) at the stroke of midnight on january first. then we wake up after a late night and wonder how can this year be a GREAT year? resolutions are created with new hopes and dreams of a wonderful year of change (maybe even a couple pounds lost ;)).
today at church the message was based around matthew 6:33 which reads
"but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
and basically the challenge for the new year wasn't to lose weight, save money or go skydiving but to change our priorities around and put the important things first (seek first His kingdom & righteousness) and then all of life will trickle in just fine.
i, myself, am a big worrier and felt challenged today to just let it go and give it all away. this is a difficult challenge for me, i stress and worry even when there is nothing to stress and worry about!
i left today in a state of confusion. i have been re-evaluating my life a lot lately, just wondering if i got off track for what was intended for my life.
so as i begin 2008 i hope that my confusion will subside and everything will be clear and i really think a great way to achieve that is live a life according to matthew 6:33

thoughts from 30,000 feet in the sky

2008-01-01T14:32:00.000-06:00

i flew back from my christmas in seattle a couple days ago and well, flying is just such a weird thing. first of all, i have no idea how a several ton metal tube is able to defy gravity, but then again, some things i just don't think i was meant to understand.

but my thoughts really were with the people. i sat between two nice people and had some small talk, like most other flights. i find it amazing that we are able to allow people to learn about us and us about them, we talk about families, vacations, etc with these strangers, that most of the time we never learn the names of... but then i thought a little more and we do the same thing with people that we call friends. recently i've been forced to look at past relationships and asked what happened to some of them?

we have friends that we have shared important parts of our lives with and that we no longer talk to anymore, isn't it strange how that happens? are we running such an important race in life that we leave people behind or is it just the whole process of pruning? not everyone can be a best friend, right?

anyways, i guess there comes a point where we get off the plane and proceed to the next flight or exit the airport and that is just a part of life...

why would a baby boy want to hear a drummer?

2007-12-25T20:48:00.000-06:00

so i will admit, this entire post is completely inspired by a blog posting on myspace by a member of cool hand luke. i was taken aback greatly by his post and the song he discusses in the post that i feel like i need to respond.
the song "a drummer" written by mark in cool hand luke is a takeoff of the traditional "little drummer boy," he says the following about the song in their blog after asking why would someone play drums for a baby?
Then it struck me how ridiculous it is to try to do anything for Jesus because he doesn't need anything and he gave me everything in the first place. It made me think of Christmas when I was young. My mom would give me money--probably $3-$5, and I would go buy HER a gift with the money SHE gave me. I would buy her the dumbest junk that she would never pick out herself, but she loved it because it was from me. It's pretty silly when you think about it. Yet as a child of God, that's exactly the position I'm in anytime I think I have something to offer God.

what a different perspective to put on things? i recently finished re-reading "til we have faces" by cs lewis which also makes me realize how we think we are more important that we really are. not to say that our lives aren't important but to say that we really aren't here to think about only ourselves. we grow up to think that everything is conditional and that what we achieve in turn affects how we are viewed and gives us 'value' when that is all wrong. there is NOTHING i can do to merit what i have already been given. so i can do what i do and pray that i do it with a good heart and to be more like Christ. but we also need to realize that something as small as playing a drum can be as appreciated as anything else...
so all i can say is, play on drummer boy :)

my baptism

2007-12-17T22:19:00.000-06:00

yesterday was a fantastic day as i got baptized. and honestly, nothing can say it better than my testimony (which, by the way, my pastor said was hillarious...)

In high school my experience with the church ruined my perception of God and what faith was. I asked questions and they would either beat around the bush or not answer them at all. Having faith in something that I couldn’t see was beyond me at the time and when the people who could answer any questions I had about this faith would write me off as some kid who just wanted to cause problems, I ran the opposite direction and honestly never thought I would go back. Life without a relationship with Jesus, I thought was fine at the time, but looking back it was empty, all my decisions for the future were based on worldly things (how to become successful, be accepted by my peers, etc.). But there were times when I truly felt alone and really didn’t understand where I was going with my life.

Towards the end of high school, I was still just doing the normal thing, focused on where I wanted to go to college along with all the other high school issues any teen worries about. I was very big into music then and absolutely loved anything pop (yes, it’s hard to admit), I loved all boy bands, etc. I began listening to Plus One and didn’t realize they were a Christian band until I had visited their website. Initially I thought that it was strange that Christian music even existed, but continued to listen to them. At the same time a Christian radio station began in my town, they played Plus One and there really was nothing else to listen to so I listened occasionally. Much to my surprise some Christian music was actually good :). As time progressed, there came a point where I didn’t just listen to the music but actually listened to the words and messages that were on the station. This all was very new to me; I got curious and began going back to church at the end of my senior year in high school.

A few months later I started my freshman year in college at Pepperdine. I was placed in a dorm suite with a handful of amazing Christian girls and surrounded by a great Christian community. The girls I lived with were patient and willing to answer any and all questions I had about spirituality and made me even more curious about Jesus and God. I reached out to the leadership at the surrounding churches to get information on why certain traditions were in place and just to ask questions. After a semester or so at Pepperdine I had learned that I could have a personal relationship with my creator, this amazed me beyond anything because I grew up going to a church that did not teach me that my God could be tangible. I accepted Jesus into my life and it was so freeing to have Him in my life and to know that I am loved unconditionally. Grace took me so long to understand, the whole notion of something being unconditional was beyond my comprehension, but little by little God would show how His grace worked through the little things in my life and he still reminds me today that His grace is all I will ever need.

My life hasn’t been the same since I accepted Jesus into my life. I actually wouldn’t be here in Nashville today had I not. I drove across the country (never having been to Tennessee & having no job) to move to Nashville by myself solely on faith. Because of how I became a Christian, I really felt God lead me to give back and work in Christian music, which is why I am here now. Looking back on that specific time in my life I am AMAZED at how God calmed my mind and constantly assured me that this is what He wanted me to do. He completely paved the road for me and even drove the car, because I don’t know if I could do what I did then, now. Becoming a Christian gave me confidence that I am never alone and even when I feel lonely, I can always rely on God to be there for me and to love me even though I am human and mess up. I have been through my ups and downs and my faith has been tested, God is truly faithful and has carried me and led to where I am today.

last night after all the commotion died down and i sat and flipped through my bible, it really hit me what had happened and i was just blown away. God's grace is so cool and beyond comprehension, so i will leave you with this... "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 corinthians 12:9

Click here to check out pictures!

today is a gift

2007-11-29T21:21:00.000-06:00

it was probably in my philosophy class that i heard that greek gods though all powerful were deep-down jealous of the mortals, because they were just that, mortal. the gods could do anything and never die, so they hardly appreciated things like a mortal would which is why they envied them.
recently i have really come to think of how life truly is short and that we really are mortals and should God choose at any time, we could be done with our venture here on earth. though i didn't know either of them, i've been kind of effected by recent deaths of people that have been highlighted in the media. first of all the shooting of the nfl player, sean taylor, who was just 24 and the passing away of the guitarist of hawthorne heights, casey calvert, who was just 25. i am less than a month away from turning 24 and am realizing though young, i should be grateful for every second i am able to live this life.
it's amazing how we forget that we are mortal. it broke my heart to watch the family and friends' reactions to the sudden deaths of these people and it has been on my heart and mind a lot lately. my prayers go out to them.

and i guess all i can say is that i need to appreciate every second that i have and i haven't been doing that enough lately...

control...

2007-10-10T21:16:00.000-05:00

isn't it amazing what and who we give control over our lives to?

i've smiled more this week than i have in a long time, for several reasons. i feel like maybe the last two years haven't been all a waste (socially that is). and things began to look up :) but when one thing goes wrong it can take down my positive emotions like a tidal wave. how can we allow stuff like that to happen, why can't i focus more on what's good and makes me smile instead of what stresses me out and upsets me?

how great it would be if we really could see our true value and truly see ourselves in God's eyes...

the never ending question

2007-09-28T21:25:00.001-05:00

why do bad things happen to good people?

proverbs[4:23]

2007-09-23T20:28:00.000-05:00

so it's been a while since i have posted but i felt inclined to comment on one of my most recent paintings. i actually painted this a couple months ago but now feel like i want to talk about it. i took a picture and posted it above. there is no title but my motivation for it was the idea that we all build walls around our hearts. God tells us to guard our hearts but i think there is a fine line between guarding and completely confining. i feel like the past couple years all i have done is build this wall around my heart and my life and now i am having to go in and pull down those walls and just start over again. i have messed up and am finding myself regretting more and more things as days go by especially when it comes to my friendships. i don't know what is making me feel like this, i have amazing friends, every single one of them are blessings in my life. but i think a lot of it boils down to that i just signed a new lease at a new apt here in nashville and that means that i am now at 2 years of living out here.... TWO WHOLE YEARS, holy cow. anyways, i was forced to look at the past two years and look at myself now and granted, i have a fantastic job and that's what i came here for, but what about everything else? i am no where near as established (socially) as i had imagined i would be, a lot of it is my fault... i won't go into detail on all that but i think God is really shining a mirror on me to show myself what i really look like, inside and out. He is totally helping me restart a lot of things and well, i really do hope and pray that i do not barricade my heart as i have in the past.

i keep this painting right above my bed, i look at it before i sleep and i see it when i wake up; to me it's telling me that the walls can become greater and the painting turn black or the opposite, i can gradually tear down the walls that currently exist.

climbing ladders

2007-05-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

we hear it everywhere... we need to climb the ladder, make it to the next rung in life, work your way up and more... what exactly is at the top? honestly... a ceiling? then what? do you go back down? hang out until someone below you throws you off? i just don't get it.
there are many things i won't ever get... renaissance festivals, hot air balloons and competition.
i was driving to work today and was watching some men doing some gardening, mowing the lawn, etc. for some reason people look at those who serve in professions such as the aforementioned, food service, retail, etc and create some sort of pity for these people. you know, why on earth does that happen? my life is worth no more and no less than that of the next person. why are we always trying to determine if the person next to us has more value or not? i am sure the highest paid basketball player gets paid tens of millions more than the least paid one, why? one has more skill that another has determined more valuable than another...
so this brings me back to my inital thought... why are we encouraged to climb this so-called social ladder? i can understand in the workplace to earn more, i guess, but shouldn't the emphasis be based on more than 'what can i do for myself today?' you don't want to make it to the top to only have people who hate you climbing up behind you with a vengance...
do you think the ladder just comes from the insecurities we have embedded in us since birth? donald miller says it best... what if aliens came to our planet and saw the competition we have rooted in us everywhere? i think they would think we were strange... no i am not a communist and i do believe hard work should pay off, but should hard work make one burn bridges? i don't think so.
climb the ladder all you want, i am doing so in my life BUT don't kick people off, step on hands or cut the rungs below you to 'win' in life, cause when you get to the top the ladder might not be sturdy enough to hold you up there...

ignorance is bliss...

2007-02-17T23:38:00.000-06:00

while watching little miss sunshine tonight i couldn't help but wonder what the world would look like through the eyes of its main character olive? towards the end she is performing at a beauty pagent and has no clue about the sad things that are occuring around her. the creepy host, the over-done poor girls, the people trying to stop her, the stresses of her family, etc. she doesn't see it, what she does see is that she is performing a routine that she and her late-grandfather spent HOURS perfecting.
what if i went through life, in an unselfish way, focused on me? i am slowly learning that i will bend over backwards to please everyone but myself. truthfully i shouldn't be striving to please my peers here on earth, rather God, but my priorities always are skewed.
i feel as if i have misplaced the rose-colored glasses i once used to wear and can no longer truly enjoy life because i am so worried about whether or not others are enjoying theirs.
oh to be a child again...

[2006] a year of great music

2007-01-13T20:18:00.000-06:00

so 2006 i was inundated with music, i probably acquired more cds that year than any other year. i also feel like i purchased more cds/mp3s than i had any other year also (they weren't all free)...
anyways, it was too hard to rank. thursday and copeland were definitely the top 2. here are my other favorites :)
thursday [a city by the light divided]
copeland [eat, sleep, repeat]
underoath [define the great line]
tapes 'n tapes [the loon]
the decemberists [the crane wife]
cold war kids [robbers & cowards]
phil wickham [phil wickham]
.moneen. [the red tree]
saves the day [sound the alarm]
landon pigg [lp]
jonezetta [popularity]
hellogoodbye [zombies! aliens! vampires! dinosaurs!]
family force 5 [business up front, party in the back]
meg & dia [something real]
the format [dog problems]
fair [best worst-case scenario]
between the trees [the story and the song]
switchfoot [oh! gravity]
some by sea [on fire! igloo]
waking ashland [telescopes ep]
ann lynn [what love's meant to be ep]

i never eat december snowflakes, i always wait until january

2006-12-18T20:38:00.000-06:00

we can learn a lot from linus van pelt...
last night while watching "a charlie brown christmas" i couldn't help but smile, there are just somethings that can get rid of all worries even if it's just for a short period of time.
well mr. van pelt said something that i had to instantly make my myspace headline. it's too early. i never eat december snowflakes, i always wait until january.
true, a snowflake is a snowflake, but maybe the ones in january are that much better. perhaps it's the waiting that makes one enjoy it that much more. isn't this true with most things? but we are a society of instant gratification, if we want something we want it immediately.
i find myself demanding more and more each day, especially from God. there are things that are appealing that are placed in front of us now (i.e. december snowflakes) but maybe we are just being tested because we know something better is coming (i.e. january snowflakes)... i feel like my mind immediately gravitates towards the present. i hate waiting as much as the next person, but in all reality doesn't waiting for something make it better?
maybe i will begin to pass up those december snowflakes in anticipation for those january ones ;)

can someone pinch me?

2006-10-08T21:29:00.000-05:00

my life makes no sense, really it doesnt. there is no logic in it. for those of you that know me well you know i am much more analytical than not, everything is an equation, or so i thought :)
i know for a fact that 2 apples + 2 apples = 4 apples, but i am slowly learning that life is so much more than any mathematical equation in the world (including those that take pages and pages of genius work to solve).
i look back over the past year and realize that it is nothing short of a miracle, yes a miracle. imagine taking one end of a spectrum and ending up in the complete opposite place a year later, that's me. no it hasn't been a year yet since i've moved (that is coming up in about 1.5 months) rather, a year ago i was full of uncertainty. i was about to quit a HORRIBLE job and jump out into the unknown. really, i look back and cannot believe my lapse of logical thinking to do something like that.
i am a political science major from southern california who moved out to nashville, tennessee to work in christian music; how does that work out?
but somehow, but the grace of God, it did work out... i won't go indepth or anything but i sit here in awe because the past year has shown me how intricate and detail oriented God really is. i really do feel like i am in a dream and am waiting to wake up, maybe it all will feel more real then?

anyways... as much as i want it to be, life cannot be mathematical or based on an equation.

she's a character

2006-08-06T20:13:00.000-05:00

while sitting on hillsboro road in green hills yesterday i was struck by a bank's billboard. it said remember your character is your destiny. granted, the phrase 'character is destiny' is cliche, especially in my life, having a professor (for 2 classes) who wrote a book called "character is destiny", but there was something about how the bank wanted to remind me of this...
this got me even trying to figure out what character even means...
dictionary.com defines it as "the combination of qualities or features that distinguishes one person, group, or thing from another.
how is this my destiny? what does destiny even mean?
again, back to dictionary.com where they say it means "the inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot."
so what this is telling me is... the combination of qualities or features that distinguishes one person, group or thing from another brings the inevitable or necessary fate to which this particular person (with the combination of qualities..) is destined.

does that even make sense?

i thought destiny was uncontrollable, would that mean that i am not able to mold my own character? and again, why is a bank reminding me of this?

my professor, dr. gough also says "character is what you are in the dark." which i whole-heartedly believe. then i shoot this question to you... does anyone know your true character? can anyone know your true character? another question i have been battling with, does God like my character? God totally knows who i am in the dark...

i am reading a book by donald miller (to own a dragon) right now and he tells a story of a girl who was given incorrect change at a conveinence store, the cashier accidentally gave her change for a $10 when she only gave him $1. she walked away knowing that she had profitted from her purchase and the cashier said she he had sold her character for $9. how many times have i sold my character and for what little money did i sell it? not so much for things like that but how many times have i compromised who i am for something stupid? let's just say that i am sure i don't have enought fingers and toes to count that...

have my flaws become habitual? have i become content with my shortfalls which in turn eventually mold my character into something that i didn't want it to become? it's like if i were painting a landscape and instead of taking the time to really bring out the differences in colors by choosing from a wide variety, i did it quickly with a minimal amount of colors that i didn't feel like mixing or purchasing others which may have made the picture more appealing.

that my friends, is how your character is your destiny. we let bad things become habitual which in turn is a little chip here and a little chip there on the wood block of your life... do you want to end up a splinter?

make-believe

2006-07-23T20:41:00.000-05:00

i feel like i am believing in a far-fetched fairy tale and want to stop but continue at the same time because i am confident in its outcome... or am i not?

returning to childhood

2006-06-20T21:54:00.000-05:00

this evening upon my arrival at home the grass was covered in fireflies. this is no abnormal occurance out here in the south, but for someone who grew up in california it was spectacular.
i was walking the dog outside and just staring at the lights flashing around me, i honestly felt like i was 5, simply amazed by the excitement a simple bug can bring.

strangers are family you have yet to come to know

2006-06-17T21:08:00.000-05:00

the five people you meet in heaven is an amazing book and i just finished watching the movie... more like i just finished a two-hour cry fest :)
the past couple days i've been, it's hard to explain. do you ever feel like you are living in cruise control and well about to fall asleep at the wheel? i am not sure if that is the exact way i want to describe my state of mind. but life for me has always been about making it to the next step, you know? stepping out of my comfort box and accomplishing things...
but recently i have found myself.. well i wouldn't describe it as going away from God, rather just not seeking Him... it's like a kid who moves away from home and begins to call their parents less and less.
i feel like i blink my eyes and the next thing i know i haven't prayed in a couple days... i have gotten much more lazier on my bible reading plan and just feel like i have a void in my heart that is growing and i have no idea why?
i am in a very vulerable state after watching that movie...
it really makes me look back at my life and i know i have no idea who i've affected and that is fine... to be completely honest, the movie makes me want to fall in love.
this is a topic i never touch upon because i guard my heart like secret service protects the president. but it really does. this man's life was simple and he loved his wife and she loved him back. i know it's not up to me who i end up with or if it even happens and i understand that and i figure if God's planning it it will be a whole lot better than if i were to try. but you could just tell in the movie, they used color a lot to describe it. when they were together it was bright and vibrant and just made me feel like i was there.
i sound cheesy and am beginning to go disney on you all but i guess i am realizing more and more after moving out here how lonely being lonely can get. don't get me wrong i have loved learning about me and really being able to focus on my relationship with God but i guess the little girl in all of us wishes for prince charming to come :)

a wallflower on the dance floor

2006-06-16T20:08:00.000-05:00

"Psalm 1 tells us that God simply does not care to satisfy the intellectual curiosity of coolly aloof inquirers: his passion is for dragging ugly wallflowers onto the dance floor. When we come to him looking merely for a respectable philosophical system, he not so subtly reshapes the question: 'So it's truth you think you want? Come sing in my choir, then we'll talk.' In other words, learn to praise. Understanding will follow."

Thanks to CHYM for the post..

(She Thanks, Reggie Kidd.)

move that bus!

2006-06-12T20:13:00.000-05:00

last night while watching an episode of "extreme makeover: home edition" i couldn't help but understand God a little more.
no, ty pennington isn't God, rather his generosity among the countless others in the show helped me see how God's grace works.
the past couple weeks i've battled with the concept that i am no where near worthy of all the blessings i have received, there were times where i was impatient with God and unhappy with where i was. but i am still loved and flourished with blessings, why?
well there are these people, yesterday it was the rodriguez family, that have had difficult times and are asking for a little help. none of these families write in asking for a gigantic house, tuition for their kids and the rest of the mortgage paid, rather just a way to catch up after having some sort of obstacle put in their way.. last night it was that he lost a leg in the war. but this man wasn't angry at the world, all he wanted were bigger hallways and no stairs. but the builders and designers go above and beyond their requests. they give and give and give. he got a new leg, a whole gym, a dance floor in the back yard... this is how God works.
we as humans are given so much, God goes above and beyond when he constructs our house, He gives us the spa tub in the bathroom, a big kitchen to cook, a car in the driveway and regardless of what we say and how grateful we really are (or sometimes aren't) we still are lavished with love to the point where at times, words can't describe...
so last night while watching this remarkable family accept these gifts humbly, the father kept emphasizing that this will just start a ripple and that so many people will be effected with what they were given.
it all reminds me of pepperdine's motto (yes, i am quoting it...) "freely you have received, freely give" (matthew 10:8)
God's grace is beyond comprehensible, but there are little things in the world that help me bring it to my level of understanding...

thoughts on perspective

2006-06-06T20:30:00.000-05:00

isn't it funny how when put into perspective anything could seem like it is the most important thing in the world? how we take things that are just so small and blow them up like a balloon. a lot has been brewing in my mind lately just about life. i am about to turn 22.5 (i give myself the right to celebrate half birthdays because my birthday is 5 days before christmas so it gets overlooked often...) but that is not important... i am settling, it's kind of strange. like i mixed the cement last summer, poured it last fall and now it is hardening. it's almost frightening to think about, the permanence of life. i have a job, i am secure (for the most part), i pay for rent, food, etc. i am becoming an adult. when i was a little girl i never would have pictured the person i am today, i thought i would be more "grown up" whatever that may mean...
i bought a plane ticket to go home for the long july 4th weekend and i am so excited to see california, but i know that i will be ok with coming back. i think my plans to go to ca were pushed back because i knew that if i went, i would want to stay. but i don't think i feel that way now and that means a lot because the past six months have been the craziest six months of my life. the funny thing is, i don't think the crazy will ever stop. it's almost as if craziness grows as inflation does, you know? cost of living goes up, minimum wage goes up, craziness goes up :)
do you ever have the want to control some aspect of your life, but you tell yourself you don't want to control it because in the end you know that God will take care of you? but yet, there is some part of you that can't let go... perhaps it's the teen in me who believed in nothing and was backstabbed by many who still hesitates to trust, or maybe it's the internal skeptic we all have; but after living the past six months i am more convinced than anyone that there is a God...

life on demand

2006-06-03T17:56:00.000-05:00

i posted this on my myspace blog and thought i should here too :)

i just saw a commercial that allows someone to subscribe and get any movie they want to see (kind of like netflix) but instead of mailing a physcial dvd, it immediately downloads onto your computer and the guy says that (with a fast connection) you can see this movie in 30 seconds.
how much faster do we expect life to revolve around us? we live in an "on demand" world.
people demand instant gratification from everything and if something doesn't go right then they become upset. i realized this a lot working at jcpenney, people are impatient and demanding. we are victims of modern technology.
it truly is a double-edged sword, don't you think? technology is amazing but i believe has made us more impatient as humans. we don't read anymore, we listen to books on tape; we don't even have to go out and buy the book on tape anymore, we can just download it. as life gets faster will we ever leave the house? will we one day lose all interaction with our peers?
i saw the new disney movie "cars" this morning and it has a good message in regards to slowing life down and i can't help but think that the faster i try to live my life, the more demanding i become so in the end i can achieve more with a lesser amount of time.

a lot on my mind, a heart ready to explode and confetti in my hair

2006-05-21T23:52:00.000-05:00

i left rocketown tonight sweaty, covered in confetti, probably a little bruised, without any ability to hear left, exhausted with no voice; and i couldn't be better. it was the first show that i've been to since i've moved to nashville that i have had an awesome time all-around. i was immersed in the crowd to see one of my favorite bands of all time :)

words cannot describe the show. first of all, it was thursday (the band, not the day) and it is always a treat to see them. but to walk out of a show emotionally exhausted is something i wasn't expecting. when thursday sang "sugar in the sacrament" with the lead singer of mewithoutyou it was explosive. these two men POURED everything they had into singing this song and in the end looked like they were going to pass out.
there is a huge story why this particular song moved me but i am too tired to type it out... :)

well i am sleepy, so i will write more later. i just had to say that i had a great time on my 6 month anniversary of being in the south :)

losing my californianess

2006-05-12T09:53:00.000-05:00

so today i did something that i have been trying to postpone for a while now...

6:34am central standard time

9:42am central standard time

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i got a tennessee drivers license. i then went to get my emissions checked and get new plates but since the car is still registered under my mom's name, i have to wait on the plates.. which is probably good cause it's more change than i can handle in a day...

HECK YES...

2006-05-10T09:10:00.000-05:00

yesterday i was offered a job at emi, i start on monday!

amistad

2006-05-04T11:19:00.000-05:00

these are two of my best friends who were in town for about a day and it was a GREAT day, though short :( they just graduated from pepperdine and are in a cross country roadtrip to move back home...
they arrived last night and it was amazing to see them! i took them downtown where we ate at the old spaghetti factory, had some wine and a lot of good laughs :) then we walked around a little and came home. we watched a walk to remember and then passed out. this morning i took them to the pancake pantry where we had another great meal and just good friend time. sadly they had to leave early to make it to maryland today.
though it was just for a short time it was needed greatly to see some familar faces and just have fun, i really miss that...

global night commute

2006-05-03T15:27:00.000-05:00

on saturday night i did something to step out of the comfort zone i have built for myself. 2,000+ of us marched from target on columbia ave to the people's church (3 miles) in the wind and some rain and upon our arrival we got our packets and found a nice spot on the grass where we would proceed to spend the night. no tents, wet grass and one cause.
we did this to symbolize what 50,000+ children do every single night in northern uganda. they leave their homes to escape to a safe haven so that they can evade capture by the rebel army to then be sent into sex trafficking or brainwashed into a killing machine.
i wrote some letters, one to president bush and one to senator frist and then worked on an art project. will my effort change the world? no. but our collective efforts put a huge imprint onto our surrounding environment. about 55,000 people did this worldwide on the same evening, and i know here there were several people on the road asking what we were doing. spreading knowledge is important, but i also learned that it is important to not remain idle. i'm glad i did it, i had a great talk with God as i was attempting to sleep amongst 2,000+ energetic people and He gave me peace about a lot of things.
which makes me sad looking back that i am so quick to lose that sense of peace to the anxieties of the world. i had to write that previous post to get some stuff off my chest, but in the end i'll be fine :)

psalm

2006-05-03T15:26:00.000-05:00

"search me, o God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. see if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." -psalm 139:23-24

too much for my brain to handle...

2006-05-03T15:14:00.000-05:00

issue 1: job status
i have had about 3 interviews with emi now and will find out by friday if i get the job, i am SUPER nervous and am preparing for a huge cry fest if i don't get it. yes, i know, God has something better for me, but i can allow myself to be emotional for like a day, right? i am just praying for the strength to give it to God, regardless of the outcome...
issue 2: one FREAKING year
it has been approx one year and three days since i departed the place i like to call pepperdine. yes, over a year since graduation, can you believe it? but the crazy thing is that i feel like i have amounted to nothing post-graduation. i haven't sold out to the man yet, but it looks like that just might happen in this next year...
issue 3: money
it really is the root of all evil
issue 4: jcpenney
it really needs to end here, before i go insane. new registers should mean that nicole gets a new job, right? (refer to issue 1)
issue 5: allergies
spring weather is nice, but my head feels like it's going to explode

there are other issues i would rather not discuss but, my head and heart are overwhelmed which makes it a PERFECT time for some old friends to come into town! yup, my friends are about 2 hours from nashville right now and i am SOOOOOOOO excited to see them, maybe get a couple of drinks and spill my guts to people who know me :) i cannot wait!

somethings just aren't important after thinking about it...

2006-04-27T22:24:00.000-05:00

even a few minutes not spent in prayer or contemplation of God became an invitation for satan to stab me with his double-edged knife of doubt and self-pity. prayer became my armor, and i wrapped it tightly around my heart.
left to tell by immaculee ilibagiza

i am presently reading a book called "left to tell" by a woman who lived through the rwandan genocide and was able to live because she hid in her pastor's bathroom for 3 months. she stayed calm because of her faith and satan did what he could to attack her, but she knew she needed to stay strong in this battle and it just moved me to read this...

it is complete :)

2006-04-26T15:38:00.000-05:00

yes, today i finished my 4th piece in my series of paintings :)

now here are all 4 together:

how exciting! i don't know why i decided on a tree, but i really just felt that it would be a great addition to the others.

woo hoo!!!

jcpenney owns me

2006-04-24T10:32:00.002-05:00

it's 10:30 am and i am on my lunch break, yes that is right, my lunch break. after closing last night and leaving the store a little after 9pm i had the luxury of going in at 5:45 am this morning for inventory... therefore, causing my lunch to be at 10am :)

i am tired and want to stay here, but get to go back to a huge pile of clothing with no upc to scan... joy

P.S. I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW, PRAYER IS APPRECIATED :)

he doesn't even need a labelmaker

2006-04-20T18:49:00.000-05:00

a couple weeks ago my roommate and i went to an art exhibit called "100 artists view god." one of the views of god was "god as a great organizer" and there was a picture of amoeba music (possibly my most favorite place in the world!) and it shows just the amazing organization that went into the store. there are thousands of cds everywhere, split amongst used, new, vinyl and dvds. it had to take a genius to figure this place out and to think God does it on a level much greater, with our lives.
in talking to my old roommate last night i can't help but be beyond thankful for her being in my life, she really is one of my heroes. how does one from victorville, california and another from clifton, new jersey meet up in malibu, california to become great friends? only God can put that together, i am convinced! same goes with all the amazing people in my life, they are all in it for a reason. the world is a small place, as is the wherehouse of cds on sunset boulevard in hollywood, and it takes one master person in charge to organize it all, they know what is best and seriously, it's amazing how that store is organized and it's even more amazing how my life is organized.

when life becomes cliche

2006-04-18T15:07:00.000-05:00

looking out my window into the sky upon some unfamiliar land i saw a strange aircraft drop this red object and it hit the ground and created a mushroom cloud only identifiable with that of a nuclear bomb. i freaked out, for i knew that if the bomb didn't kill me immediately i would have but a couple days to live because of the radiation... i ran about frantically not knowing how i wanted to spend the last days of my life.

this was the dream i had last night... more like a nightmare. i woke up not knowing where i was at and if what i had just envisioned was real or not. i can tell you one thing, i was freaked out. would i do the same thing if given but a couple days to live?
do you ever feel like life has become nothing but a cliche? i have recently read through the ecclesiastes and solomon talked about how everything is just meaningless. i don't know if i would ever want to be as wise as how God made solomon, i feel like it would be a curse just as much as it is a blessing. truthfully in the end, it's not going to matter where i went to college, what i look like, what i own or anything. Jesus isn't going to talk to me about the car i had or my family, but how i brought people to Him and how i treated my brothers and sisters. so what am i in pursuit of? is it all in vain? if given three days to live would i really go around and minister? or would i want to go to a foreign land or see people who i love? would i indulge myself or would i serve?
there is a quote, by james dean, i believe that says, "dream as you'll live forever. live as you'll die today." nice thought. we take these cliches and quotes and post them on bookmarks, on posters, all over our lives to remind us of what? it's not like i am paying attention.
i have a quote on a tile on my window that says "unsatisfied desire is in itself more desireable than any other satisfaction" by cs lewis. i think we live insatiably partially because of the fall, we will always have some sort of void we need to fill, but also because as nelson mandela says, "our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."
what in my life has meaning? what am i doing that isn't self-indulgent or selfish? i'd like to think that i am doing a handful of things, but am i really?
i don't mean t be negtive, rather self-reflective. i am content with where i am at, i am moving at my own pace and learning that i cannot change the world in a day but i also am questioning the direction i am heading. i am at a large fork in the road right now and in the future would hope that both roads will be connected someday but it is somewhat unlikely. i am growing up and becoming responsible for things and its frightening because i have to take fault for the mistakes that i make.

through being cool

2006-04-12T07:37:00.000-05:00

last night i got to check something off of my life list: see saves the day. i know what you're thinking, what is on my list? i'll get to that another day. but saves the day is a band that i started listening to when i got out of my boy band phase :) i've seen new found glory, something corporate and thursday. the only one left now is the ataris!
but back to last night. i was sad that there weren't more people there, these guys have been around for a while, but their last album was a while ago, so i guess i can see why.
the night started out with a band called down to earth approach and i have the cd but never really listened to it... now i am going to :) they were really good and fun but the crowd was non-responsive!
anyways, the second band was moneen, and i was very impressed as well. their cd came out yesterday and i got it! :)
third was circa survive and well, i am just not fan of his voice, i can't do it. but i think a majority of people were there to see them so after their set ended the crowd got a little smaller :(
anyways, saves the day played songs from my favorite album "through being cool" and some from their other 3 or 4 albums and it was just fun. they are amazing and i am sooo glad that i got to check that off my list :)

cinco

2006-04-08T13:22:00.000-05:00

was tagged by aj fabulous on this one :)

Top 5 "Must Haves" for the moment

In my fridge:
1. black beans and brown rice
2. sour cream
3. pizza
4. baby spinach
5. coke zero

In my closet:
1. cardigan (yes, i am an old lady deep down)
2. my plethora of band shirts
3. jeans
4. polka-dotted vans
5. pj bottoms

In my purse:
1. cell phone
2. calendar
3. wallet
4. book (currently good news about injustice)
5. vanilla lip balm

In my car:
1. ipod/cds
2. scarf
3. hat
4. febreeze
5. map of nashville

On my TiVo (if you dont have it make believe...)
1. extreme makeover: home edition
2. injustice
3. extreme makeover: home edition
4. american idol
5. extreme makeover: home edition

my plan is stupid

2006-04-04T22:34:00.000-05:00

i tell myself this everyday in one form or another but can never grasp it. it's been an underlying theme in my life recently and for weeks now i have had something tugging at my heart but it's like looking at a person from a distance where they are blurry enough to where you can't make them out but not so blurry to where you have an idea that you may recognize them...
i have been praying for God to reveal what this feeling is to me. i thought moving out here would be the final thing for God to tell me what to do with my life, but of course it wasn't... it's so much more than my move. anyways, the past couple weeks can only be described by throwing every emotion into a blender and hitting HIGH POWER on the thing.
anyways, some exciting things are happening that i want to write about but i am exhausted so i will do so in my next couple posts :)

could i send Jesus an instant message?

2006-04-03T15:42:00.000-05:00

today while freezing outside of starbucks (i wanted quiet and it's just not quiet inside...) reading the bible i was going through some chapters in the gospel of john and one of his disciples asked (i believe it was thomas) why Jesus didn't reveal himself to the entire world, why just the disciples? this got me to thinking. why didn't God send Jesus to us later on? after all the technological revolutions that we've had we could stream Jesus in realtime via the internet. what i mean is had Jesus been brought to save man closer to present day, then maybe there would be more people who believe. then again, if some man came up to me and said that he was the choosen one i would think he has a mental illness and brush him off. but i can't help but imagine, Jesus would be able to reach billions of people instantly... i wonder why God chose that time period to send his son?

somethings just aren't worth the time to stress over...

2006-03-29T18:37:00.000-06:00

so yesterday at work there was a woman who was visibly upset storming around the department, so i stopped and asked her if she needed any help? she replied angrily, where is the lingerie department? i said, oh it's right up the escalator. immediately she replies with some words that i am not comfortable repeating and storms off yelling for Christ's sake, why can't you put all the women's stuff on the same floor?!? and she walks away saying more words that i probably shouldn't repeat.
honestly, i really hope that nothing so petty as a department store setup doesn't visibly frustrate me as it did to this woman. there are just so many more things in the world to think about... i understand everyone is different but i feel like we demand everything to be conveinent to us when in all reality it's not that hard to let an escalator take you up a flight or do something, you know?
just a thought...

p.s. day one of "no boys allowed" is going well. i've prayed some today and i can tell that God is going to reveal somethings to me through this...

fourth piece?

2006-03-29T14:52:00.000-06:00

what should the fourth one have?

seven day plan, part 1: no boys allowed

2006-03-28T23:20:00.000-06:00

so i am trying some things to make myself a better person inside and out. i still feel like i am a boy-crazed teeny bopper who has a new crush every 5 minutes and i need to work on ending this problem. not that it's bad or anything but i feel there are times where boys become idols in our minds and no one should have that power in my life. therefore tomorrow i will begin a new project. seven days of not thinking about boys. how is this possible, you ask? well it's not. but everytime thoughts pop into my head i will curb it by praying for a cause. (thanks to karina for this idea). i will be praying for seven different things (one for each day).
don't think that my mind is consumed with boys all day, it's not, but i feel that even if i can take a minute away from myself and use it to think and pray for something that is worthwhile, then it can help me become a better person.
i was going to start today, but i wanted a little more structure in my plan... :)

the sky is not falling

2006-03-26T13:29:00.000-06:00

last night i blogged and this afternoon i felt like i needed to blog again in reponse to it.
at church we are reading through my favorite book, the book of ephesians, and today's message helped me realize that i am just human and i cannot be in control of things all the time. in chapter 5, verse 15 it says, "be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." and my pastor said that we are good at trusting God with all the big decisions in our lives (i.e. me moving out to tennessee) but rarely do it with the small decisions that we make each day. not only that but how many opportunities do we pass up each day with having the chance to reach out to people or experience all that we can?

right now, the way i like to describe where i am at is i have given God the keys to my car and have let Him drive thus far, but now i am getting impatient and i am ready to take over because i feel like we are not getting to the final destination fast enough or are taking a route i would avoid. so i am sitting in the passenger seat whining... by stressing over the stupid things daily i am missing opportunities to grow as a person and help those around me grow, you know? it's like while whining i am not appreciating the scenery on our drive... this may only make sense to me...

on another note... friends are awesome and i am beyond grateful for the people i have back home but also thankful for the people i have met out here... people don't have to let me into their lives and vice-versa, but there is something so beautiful that comes out of a connection that people have whether it's from being friends of friends or someone you meet at church or live with, the way people come together just blows me away. if i didn't have some of these people in my life, i wouldn't want to know where i would be now...

too much thinking for the afternoon, and surely too much myspace... i must get off :)

the sky is falling, the sky is falling

2006-03-25T21:40:00.000-06:00

tonight i had a break down, i wanted to just go home. but where is home? california is home because my friends and family are there, but many of them are graduating in the next month and my parents are moving from victorville to seattle. so where is home exactly? tennessee isn't home because i am not really all that comfortable out here and am realizing that it is going to be a little difficult finding people who understand me.
sitting in my piles of paper that are awaiting shredding i found myself caught in jealousy and selfishness all leading me to a very lost place. home is going to be where i make it but i really just don't know if nashville is that place i want to lay a foundation. do i want to go back to school? that's what i tell a lot of people to downplay the whole i moved to nashville to work in music plan. i love school but what i want to study, more than likely, will not lead to a promising career.
what the heck is a promising career anyway? working for the man? because i can get one of those jobs, i just would rather not. perhaps this is for selfish reasons, but there is just too much inside of me that would die if i were to do that right now. when i worked for a law office last year, i was stable and financially comfortable but was the most depressed i had ever been in my life and i never want to feel like that again.
i was reminded recently of why i choose my major. i remember it vividly. the summer of 2003 i was taking an international relations course and we watched a documentary on the rwandan genocide and it was like a nuclear exploision went off in my heart, something was released that i cannot contain and it's that there are people out there who are lost and falling victims to injustice and i just can't sit around and read about it.
so yes, i know your next question, are you doing anything about it now nicole? no i am not and i am ashamed. the reason i am following christian music is because it helped me find God when i was lost in high school. but i still feel like i wouldn't be satisfied if i get a great job in the industry, because i just don't know...
i don't know where i am going with all this, it's like i am explaining my whole move out here again... maybe i need to remind myself (my whole story on my blog if you want to read it)...
what is it we even strive for? life makes no sense to me at times. i just finished watching "chicken little" (this is what i do when i am sick, i rent disney movies..) and all the chicken wanted was acceptance from his father. and earlier i was thinking about the movie "rushmore," what is your rushmore? what do we live for?
i don't know if i can answer that and i am not sure if i like that i cannot answer it. i am a christian, would that default my answer to i live for Christ? but then there would be a million default answers for each part of my life. not that living for God isn't a bad thing, but it has to be more than that.
tonight i took another step into losing control of my life, which is the most difficult thing i have done. i gave up a big part of it when i moved out here because i felt that i was called to do it, but in the past couple weeks i have learned that there are still things that i cannot let go of. if i can trust God to move me 2,000 miles without knowing a person or having a job, then why can't i give Him other things? tonight i learned that i don't want to stress over things that i don't need to stress over. i was humbled.

normally i don't get so vulnerable on any of my blogs, but it was needed this evening. difficult times will still come whether i am here or anywhere else, but i am learning that there are people who genuinely care and that is so beautiful to me.

there are things about myself that i just may never understand...

2006-03-23T22:19:00.000-06:00

do statues question their sculptors? do paintings question their artists? do songs question their composers? then why do i question God?
there was a story my roommate told me once, not sure if it was her experience or someone she knew but there was a kid in line at a bank and he asked his dad, how does God know everything about me? and the dad hesitated and looked at people blankly and then looked to his child and said well, you know how a painter knows everything about their painting? that is how God knows us, He created us
where i am getting at is that amazing things happen that could NEVER in a million years be able to configure in my life that God does in a blink of an eye. my move here was flawless, almost too perfect, i was just waiting for something wrong to happen, but nothing did. why did i doubt? recently doubt has filled my mind. an amazing band (sherwood) quotes in a song doubt has left me blind and it truly can.
i doubt myself a lot. it's rediculous and frustrates me. but i have become a worse-case scenerio type person and so i somehow take the amazing things that happen in my life and throw doubt and negativity into it that it becomes a burden instead of something good.

blessed with awesome roommates

2006-03-21T22:24:00.000-06:00

so one of my biggest fears in coming out to tennessee was the people i was living with. were they going to like me? are they nice? can they deal with a crazy californian who doesn't eat meat? well let me just say that i am truly blessed.
i have been bummed out lately and today (on my 4th month anniversary of living here) they surprised me with a poster of napoleon dynamite that looks like this:

except they put some of my favorite quotes on it like, "your mom goes to college", "you could totally drink whole milk" and "gosh! idiot!" not only that, they wrote a little story called "it's a wonderful journey: nicole's adventure in nashville." the story consists of things that would never have happend had i moved to nashville.
here are some excerpts:
- she would have never seen the bill clinton library
- she would have never experienced a true southern tradition of deer dodging
- she would have never learned of her love for men with facial hair that drive big trucks
- she may have completely missed her dove phase
- she has read 1/3 of the bible
- she has learned to trust God more and to have patience for His timing
and...
- she wouldn't have touched all the lives shehas touched with her spirit, her heart, her faith, her ideas, her character, her fortitude, her kindness and her intellect.

there are a ton more but i just wanted to cover some. i want to cry! they really are great :) and i joke that i don't have any friends, but i know we all know that's not true! my roommates are some of the coolest people EVER.
so here is a hi-five out to karina and debi for my awesome poster and for their kindness and patience for dealing with a city girl in the south :)

through things like this God tells me that i am really meant to be here, though at times i want to just be back west, i know i was lead here for a reason...

1/3 of a year

2006-03-21T18:14:00.000-06:00

happy four months of me being in tennessee...

contemplative on a cloudy day

2006-03-20T10:31:00.000-06:00

funny that i am writing this blog at this moment... i am also surfing purevolume.com to find bands that i have never heard of and i am listening to a song called "you're not alone" by a band called drive by... they're ok, but it's about how i felt the past week or so, isolated. first it began with the realization that i did not get the job at zambooie, which is ok, i don't know if it was a perfect fit, but it was just nice to think about getting away from the monotony of jc penney. then my computer crashed, i knew it was coming, i was just hoping it would take its time getting there. i didn't exactly have an extra $1,000 sitting around or anything but my computer is a big way i keep in touch with my friends back home and i just do everything on it, so it sucked to lose it :( then i was faced with the thought of can i afford to add a monthly payment to my already small income? and if i did purchase another computer it would pretty much put in concrete that my plans of going home for pepperdine's graduation just won't happen. then we also had bible study on wednesday where i felt like a horrible person after reading the chapter in our book. i felt like the author told me that since i do want a career and am not in a hurry to get married, raise kids and become a house wife that i am a bad person. and i expressed my feelings at bible study and felt like no one really understood where i was coming from, i felt like i had alienated myself from them.
moving out to tennessee, i knew would be difficult, but i thought by now it would be a little easier, but it continues to get harder. many days in the past week, i just wanted to be home. away from the uncertainty and just with people who i feel understand me. and for a while i had been working towards the end of april where i could see everyone again, but now that is gone. (i bought a new laptop, i had to... it was sooo cheap and such a blessing for compusa to have a great sale the same week my computer crashed).
i also am beginning to just detest work. not like i did when working at the law office, just the lack of respect people have for eachother makes me sad.
also there are a lot of anniversaries coming up for me, tomorrow marks my 4 months in being here... that is 1/3 of a year, and i feel like i have accomplished little and it drives me insane. also it has almost been a year since i have graduated. a whole year. i don't even know how to respond to that.
i don't mean to be in a gross mood, i am just trying to find my place and feel like all i am doing is walking backwards...
on a better note, i got to go to pf chang with a friend from college who lives in memphis now and was up for a few days. it was SO GOOD to see someone familar and just catch up. but then again it made me miss california that much more... also my awesome roommate and i went to a fun art show on saturday with loud music (hehehe). but we made a pact and my end of it is to go out and make myself more social, so i will be sure to update you (my avid reader, hehe) on how that goes :)

well today is nicole needs another job day (yesterday at work was enough motivation to get a new one...) so i am off.

out of service

2006-03-15T18:56:00.000-06:00

sooooo, on sunday my computer decided to not work anymore... :(

which means i have no idea when i will be able to update my blog.

prayer is appreciated for me to figure out how to buy a new one :)

take care,
nicole

my dove phase

2006-03-07T21:45:00.000-06:00

so this past weekend i got adventurous and decided to paint a canvas. this i never really have done before, i like painting objects, like tote bags, shirts, clay pots, but never a canvas. well here is the outcome:

at first i wasn't too excited but after finding an excellent spot for it in my room i love it! there is a lot of meaning behind it for me :) hehehe.
i think my original title for it was dark window into my soul or something dramatic like that, but am thinking of renaming it, any thoughts?

an enemy in hope

2006-03-05T22:54:00.000-06:00

being an avid fan of the show injustice, i can't help but remember an episode that occured early on in the series where the man behind bars said, "hope is my enemy."
there are few things that i want to experience in my life and living without hope is one of those things. i went through a period post-graduation where i ran very low on hope and that is a level of unhappiness that was unbearable, because i couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. but on the other hand, what if hope is also my enemy? giving myself false hope for something that may or may not happen can lead to an even bigger heart break than not hoping. where is the balance?
this weekend i couldn't help but think about how evil can work in hope and today my pastor said it best when we take things that we believe will be self-gratifying and begin to idolize them over God. we idolize self-interest. so then why do we have hope?
dictionary.com defines 'hope' as, "to wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment." people hope to win the lottery, but do they really expect it to be fulfilled? i feel like i almost become so focused on my expectations being fulfilled that i lose track of everything that is important in my life.
when i refer to hope i mean it in every part of my life from hoping that i get a job, hoping that i don't get sick, etc. as i mentioned in a previous post, i am learning how much i am striving towards things that immediately satisfy my selfish wants as opposed to long-term investment in my actual needs. what is my hope is not in all reality hope at all, it's just the evil in selfishness coming to surface while what i really should have hope for is shadowed behind the clouds that i have created.
so when the man on "injustice" described hope as being his worse enemy, i can sympathize, because we can idolize our hopes so much that it puts us in our own prison. we can have our hopes and dreams, but when they cross the line to where it consumes us that is when our hope becomes an enemy. and from being a christian i am learning that the best thing to do with my hope prior to it's transition into something dangerous is to just give it to God because He can control it more than i can.
but i am still learning and probably will be for the rest of my life. but in the end, it makes me less scared to have hope :)

bumper sticker agenda

2006-03-01T13:24:00.000-06:00

i don't understand bumper stickers. they make no sense to me. i understand people want to share their opinions with their fellow drivers, you know, who they are voting for, some thing they believe in, people they don't like; but honestly, unless it is mother theresa behind that wheel with a Jesus fish on the back of her car i think the views pasted to someones vehicle can hinder who they are trying to support.
for example, if a person is driving their car on the freeway with a peace-promoting sticker let's say it says "visualize world peace," nice and simple right? but you accidentally cut them off on the freeway and they drive by you like a mad person with a certain finger and explatives. does this person really support peace? i would question what type of peace this person was trying to visualize.
also, what if someone who supported al gore back in the 2000 election and had the bumper sticker "gore/liberman 2000" and then you saw them littering? mr. gore would not approve of this for he wrote some books on the enviroment and has been a big activist for it. but someone who didn't know mr. gore's environmental background may think, maybe this candidate is ok with someone who supports them littering?
my last example really bugs me and there are many combinations both in the right and left. there will be a Jesus fish on the car right next to a bumper sticker that says "the road to hell is paved with (fill in the blank, republicans or democrats)." i'm sorry, how did that person get to decide who goes to hell based on political preference? not to forget though that Jesus preaches love and that we should not judge. so from a non-christian perspective, i would want to run far away from christianity if that's how they look at the world. i don't want to be judged and i don't want your car to tell me that you would judge me.
so i guess in the end, bumper stickers are baffling to my mind.
if you have stickers on your car, that is ok, i don't want this to sound like i hate you or anything. but, what i am saying is that bumper stickers can help and hinder the people or causes they represent and sometimes i just don't understand them...

nicole's back catalog appreciation

2006-02-28T22:15:00.000-06:00

so my mom has been convinced for the past like 4 years or whatever that i am supposed to marry john mayer. yes, the singer who's dated jennifer love hewitt and many other famous women. mom told me she was going to write him a letter as to why he should date me, and i wouldn't put it past her to do it. she assumed that since i interned for an indie label that somehow i would cross paths with the major label recording artist that i was destined to spend my life with.
anyways, i have always been a fan of the man but never thought he was the love of my life or anything (not like when i was obsessed with those boy band boys back in high school.. hehe). but today i pulled out my old john mayer cds and listened to them.
the man is amazing. "3x5" is still one of my all time favorite songs. but it was just good for my day off.
so i would like to share my appreciation for the man who my mom thinks i should marry, john mayer. hehe :)

craft time: my big project :)

2006-02-28T14:42:00.000-06:00

so for a couple weeks i worked on a new bag. the stitching is pretty bad (i am not good at hand sewing) but regardless i love my bag. here are some pictures:

isn't it fun?

next project: painting on a shirt and paint on something else :) oh and a crocheted scarf!

what would aliens think?

2006-02-27T22:55:00.000-06:00

in either blue like jazz or searching for God knows what donald miller brings out an interesting thought. what if an alien came to earth and watched tv and just observed our culture? well tonight while watching the bachelor i couldn't help but wonder the same thing. yes, love was blossoming but also a heart was shattered. yes i know, they all signed up for it and knew it was coming but what baffles me is the fact that there was an opportunity for them to sign up. then again, who am i to argue? i watch just as much bad tv as the next person, but still i can't help but imagine what someone unfamiliar with the earth would think of our world.
this all comes to some of my recent epiphanies. (this is what happens when you stand around and fold clothes all day, i have time to think...) first is that i spend so much time trying to figure life out. honestly, where is this getting me? i think i will spend my entire life following this unreachable goal and before i know it, life will be over? but, it is just too hard to let it all go and just accept that i won't ever be able to completely comprehend the ways of the world. i know for a fact that there is a higher being out there, i believe in God and Jesus and i know that my life has been so blessed that there cannot not be them out there working for me and everyone else, you know? but in this world that we live in, i feel that, well at least for me, that i have been taught to always question more. i am a very argumentive person, i love a good debate and always want to learn more, but this is dangerous because you can't question faith, it is just something that is there.
i am learning (while reading waking the dead by john eldridge) that my heart and mind are two separate things and what is in my heart is important. people say your mind is reason and your heart is emotion, but really my heart is more than emotion. it's complicated to explain, but interesting to read about (i recommend the book).
moving on, today's big epiphany while walking around the department ready to pass out from sleepiness was that life really is all about the risk you take. just think about it, anything that has been truly rewarding, wasn't there some sort of leap you had to take for it? but then why are we so scared to take those leaps of faith? how can we overcome the initial fear to then sow the rewards of our accomplishment of not only taking the leap but a leap of faith? have i become so enamored with the idea of instant gratification as being the better option over patience? do i want to stay on ths side of the road and not go to the other side for fear of getting hurt in the process?
in one of my last couple blogs i posted a tile that i painted with a cs lewis quote where he says, "unsatisfied desire is in itself more desirable than any other satisfaction." but it's also scarier than anything else, well at least for me it is. i want to be satisfied with what i am doing, but i never want to be satiated because then there will be nothing left. the irony.
so i sit here and write my blog on life and its workings and am now more confused than when i started. have i accomplished anything by writing this? no. am i satisfied now that these words spilled out onto my keyboard? no. which will lead me to continue my pursuit of understanding what the heck is going on, but understanding it with the understanding that i just may never know, but really should just enjoy the process.

just what i needed

2006-02-26T22:57:00.000-06:00

so tonight after a long day at work went over to nashville to go see a band that i just adore!
mae was playing with lovedrug at the exit/in tonight! i had seen mae about 2 years ago (before the amazing the everglow was released) and it was one of the best shows i had been to. so of course i am assuming that tonight will be great!
my assumption was beyond correct :)
it was what i needed today. it was like a reassuring hug, strange, but yes, that is what it was.
there was one song that i have always loved but it was like i heard it for the first time tonight. the song is called "giving it away" and when he sang:
by the way you brought me here,
it makes believe the best is yet to come and i don't want to leave
forgive my hesitation but i'm learning to trust in you
help me to dream these dreams because i don't have a clue
i just thought to myself, how cool is that? that is what i needed to hear and it slapped me in the face, it was awesome :)

new ongoing project: tiles

2006-02-25T09:15:00.000-06:00

for valentine's day the roommates and i went to go paint pottery. after a few minutes of trying to figure out what i would paint i opted for a 6"x6" tile and wanted to put a quote on it. here is the finished project! i love it and am excited to create a new quote tile each time :)

p.s. i absolutely love the quote :)

in possession of the key to my prison door

2006-02-23T22:51:00.000-06:00

i am bound and shackeled in a dark scary enclosed place, the walls are solid and the light is limited. my mind is consumed with thoughts about getting out and what i would do once i achieve this...
in my hands i have the key that opens my prison door and yet refuse to do so.
as i progress through the book of numbers and read about the israelites and how they viewed life back in egypt, as slaves, better than moving through the desert under the guidance of God i can't help but realize that i too view life as a slave in egypt as being better (not literally, but you know what i mean...) i am scared of change, i am scared of things that are different, i am scared of letting people get to close and i am horrified of actually being happy.
i say this because i am a slave to many things. i am enslaved by money and controlled by society. i have been so stressed over STUPID things lately that i have become a slave to them, to my thoughts. i stress over the petty as opposed to being grateful for the amazing things in life. i packed my bags and moved to tennessee because i felt called by God, but now that i am here i question whether i should have moved in the first place and think, sometimes, that life would be better if i were back (in egypt) or california enslaved by the sadness that consumed me there.
i don't know why i am comparing my life to the israelites, there are many differences but i am slowly realizing how much of a prisioner i am and also realizing how i can control my own freedom just by releasing the petty things that consume me.

wednesday's thoughts on the smile

2006-02-22T14:59:00.000-06:00

today i found myself falling into a gross mood (i blame the weather... hehe) so i forced myself to remember something funny and just laugh it off. it kind of worked. then i thought about how many missed opportunities to smile there are!
here are some smiling facts:

A smile is a universal expression of happiness and recognised as such by all cultures
A smile is the most frequently used facial expression It takes as few as five pairs of facial muscles and as many as all 53 to smile
Regardless of the precise number of muscles used, smiling causes far fewer muscles to contract and expand than frowning
Smiling releases endorphins and makes us feel better
Even ‘faking’ a smile can lead to feeling happier
People are born with the ability to smile (They don’t copy the expression, even babies who are born blind, smile)
Babies reserve special smiles (Duchenne smiles of joy and happiness) for their loved ones
A newborn shows a preference for a smiling face over a non-smiling face
Women smile more than men
Younger people smile more than older American males with high testosterone smile least of all
There are 18 different kinds of smile used in a variety of social situations
Human beings can differentiate between the ‘felt’ (Duchenne) smile (of joy and happiness) and the social smile – ‘it’s in the eyes’ (literally)
A smiling person is judged to be more pleasant, attractive, sincere, sociable, and competent than a non-smiling person
A person who studies laughter is called a ‘gelotologist’

(taken from here)

smiling is awesome i recommend you do it :)

so selfish it's funny

2006-02-21T23:24:00.000-06:00

looking out for number one, i'm all that i have and all that i see,
saved by the grace of the Son,
so shall we deny?
and rot as we die?
as i write a book about me,
my noble wealth of serving myself,
i am so selfish it's funny
-showbread

this song is amazing and reminds me a lot of one of my favorite books by cs lewis "till we have faces." the theme in my life this week is realizing how selfish i truly am. i was reading last night in the book of numbers and moses had already saved people from slavery by taking them from egypt under the guidance of God, but these people were so ungrateful! they would get angry with God because they didn't have meat or something, they would worship a golden cow when they felt like God had abandonded them. they were horribly impatient and wanted everything to be given to them by God. they were his choosen people so they felt they deserved they needed to be revered as opposed to them loving and respecting the God that saved them. i thought to myself, i am doing the exact same thing right now. as i had mentioned previously, God has been in the driver seat in my life for a little while now and well, i am sitting in the passenger seat whining and being impatient cause i feel that i can get us to the destination faster. when in all reality, God probably has the best directions... it's amazing though how many blessings i forget each day and how many stresses i focus on. the blessings HIGHLY outweigh the opposite.
so my goal for this week is to focus more on my blessings and less on the opposite. i will report back next tuesday to let you know how it goes...

four

2006-02-20T22:06:00.000-06:00

got this from aj :)

Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Retail - JC Penney right now and Ralph Lauren shoes like 4 years ago... Never a fun time :)
2. Everything at Pepperdine: Student Government VP (yes, I got paid for it), I gave tours of the university, worked in the career center and um... oh yes, programming board (the best job ever! well i at least got to chase a dream)
3. Internship: Hopeless and Sub City Records - too much fun
4. Legal Assistant: the worst job I have ever had, I worked on divorce cases for 40+ hours a week...

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Zoolander
2. Napoleon Dynamite
3. The Wedding Planner
4. Ice Age

Four places I’ve lived:
1. El Monte, California: From age like 2 til 10ish. Don't really remember much...
2. Victorville, California: Doesn't the name say it all? hehehe. Truck stop town on the way to Vegas.
3. Buenos Aires, Argentina: For 3 months.. 3 CRAZY months...
4. Malibu, California: Yea, it sounds cool... but I was ready to leave when it was over :) (I went to school there)

Four TV shows I love:
1. Extreme Makeover - Home Edition
2. Project Runway
3. Anderson Cooper 360
4. Injustice

Four places I’ve vacationed:
1. Maui, Hawaii: High School Graduation present :)
2. All over Argentina: North, South, East and West.. I did go to the Southern most point of South America... (super close to Antartica)
3. New Jersey: I got to see Thursday! And hang out with an old roommate and see my bro graduate from Coast Guard bootcamp.
4. Vegas (what happens there, stays there...) :)

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Pizza with spinach and mushrooms!
2. Pasta with pesto
3. Sushi
4. Black bean salad

Four albums I can't live without: (right now... it could change tomorrow)
1. "Remember the Memories" by The Lyndsay Diaries
2. "Blue Skies, Broken Hearts, Next Twelve Exits" by The Ataris
3. "Sing, But Keep Going" by Sherwood
4. "Hit Parade" (Greatest Hits) by Audio Adrenaline or "I Wish We All Could Win" by The Afters

I would agree with AJ on this one when she says "This question is so not fair to any music lover... I can’t imagine life without at least 20 more albums."

Four sites I visit almost daily:
1. BBC News
2. Punknews.org
3. Craigslist (still looking for a job)
4. Myspace (yes,

Four places I would rather be now:
1. I don't know if I want to answer this, I would start crying thinking about it... I pass
2.
3.
4.

Four items in my purse
1. My wallet
2. Calendar
3. Notebook
4. Glasses Case

this probably won't make any sense...

2006-02-19T22:22:00.000-06:00

i've never been a fan of losing control of something. it's just not what i do. for the years before i became a Christian, i depended on myself for everything. burned by friends and stuff i became very independent and wanted the help of no one. so when one lives so long under a certain mindset it is easy to go back to it once you have changed... it's like being an addict only to fall into a relapse because it is too easy.
well i have given God the keys to the car for a little bit and now i am bugging him (like an annoying passenger) to drive. i guess i am scared He will get me lost or something (which is stupid) but i just feel that if i were in control maybe things would be a little more clear now.
but do i really want to get what i ask for? NO. things have always been better when i let go of the control over my life... so then why do i keep reverting back to my old ways and want control?
oh life is so complicated...

i know i need to write, but not sure what about...

2006-02-18T12:01:00.000-06:00

last night was rediculous. ok, let me preface it with the facts:
- i worked from 9-5 wednesday, thursday and friday
- on both wed and thursday had things after work until about 10pm.
- thursday night i had a good conversation with a friend on the phone until 2am
- i was EXHAUSTED (yes, i know it's my own fault)
but, i have the entire weekend off! soooo, i was so excited for a great night of rest. i get ready for bed on friday and can't fall asleep like i had hoped. it took a while. then i wake up at like 2:30am and am pretty awake, i wasn't cold or anything, i just couldn't sleep. so about a half hour later i fall asleep. then at 5:00am i wake up! and this time i am WIDE AWAKE and frustrated. i got up to see if the weather had actually predicted correctly that we would have snow, and we do! so about 45min to an hour later i finally am able to fall back asleep. BUT 7:30am decides to roll around and i am up. so i read a little and took a shower.
there are probably several things that contributed to my sleep deprivation. one of my roommates had suggested that i should have blogged last night because i was fairly distraught after the episode of injustice.
i absolutely love this show, it's beautiful and i hope it goes on for another season... anyways, last night's topic was on the death penalty which is one topic that i am severely passionate about. because to me it is the ultimate human rights violation, but that is another subject and i could argue for hours on it, so i will leave it there. but for all the previous episodes of injustice the national justice project has succeeded and in last night's episode they didn't. a man died though he didn't commit the crime! i was crying and crying. i was doing my best to hold it in, but this man died. i understand it's a television show but i can't distinguish the difference sometimes, i get very emotionally involved in shows. so i was quiet for like 10 minutes and just pissed. because it happens! people die every day from injustices that they cannot control, whether that be from the death penalty to starvation. maybe i should have blogged last night to get this off my mind.
but before i went to bed, i was reading through the bible and a quote just slapped me in the face and kicked me in the shins last night. i had to re-read it like 5 times. i am reading through mark right now and Jesus says, "whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours" (mark 11:24 niv). how beautiful is that? i have been asking for a lot in prayer recently, probably too much. in the past week i've had to stop myself cause i felt like my prayers became selfish. i began to ask for things that probably were not in my best interest and i thought to myself there are so many people who would argue against this quote. but i would argue for it. here is why... if we truly believed then wouldn't we satisfied with all that we already have? so the unselfish prayer that we are to pray would be answered. not sure if that makes any sense, but it does to me. sure there are millions of people who would be like, 'well, i haven't won the lottery'; 'i am getting divorced'; 'my kids are disobedient'; etc. but i am learning that instant gratification doesn't come from God, it's not His style of work. our prayers are answered, but in ways we do not expect and if we can see the light through the dark lenses we like to view the world in, then i believe that is when we believe that our prayers have been heard and granted.
- - - - - -
on another note, it's snowing and it's cold... but IT'S AWESOME. i am so glad i don't have to work today because then i do not have to dread the snow! expect pictures of me playing in it later :)

life is like a battlefield...

2006-02-13T21:38:00.000-06:00

my college entrance essay was about the first time i ever went driving. i had taken the classes and was ready to pass to the next level which would ultimately give me my key to freedom, my license. i got my permit but to validate it i had to go on my first training course with my instructor. we began that saturday morning in a parking lot of puesta del sol elementary school. i drove around and around, excited and horrified all at the same time (never a good state of mind while driving...) and then something didn't click in my head and i confused the pedals (i was 15 and had never been behind the wheel before!)... needless to say, i freaked out and floored the gas pedal and meanwhile my instructor is pressing on her break pedal like her life depended on it and before i could kill us the car had stopped and i began to bawl... my instructor got out of the vehicle to observe the damage. the verdict, the front left wheel was completely blown and the rim dented and who knows what else i did. it was the worst! i NEVER wanted to drive again, EVER! and you know what she did??? she called the driving school and had them bring another car for me to drive. WHAT THE HECK? did i need to ruin another car? why send another victim? well i did drive that day, though i didn't want to and as you know now, i do drive. so my irrational quick decision to give up my "freedom" immediately because something went wrong was short-lived.
i make a lot of stupid irrational quick decisions like that of not ever wanting to drive again. and the past couple weeks i have been doing the same thing. on sunday at church i began to cry while our pastor was praying for us who felt discouraged. i have hit some low points recently and wanted to just give up on my dreams because i thought i had failed. you see, that's exactly what i thought when i wrecked that car back when i was 15, i thought i had failed my instructor as a potential driver... but she didn't think that or she wouldn't have had another car come. she believed that i could overcome that obstacle.
i think God works in the same way. we wreck a lot of cars everyday in our lives, but God always provides another one and even better, He believes that we can become better drivers...

today was a much better day, i woke up this morning and read over ephesians 6 (the armor of God) as someone had told me to do to remind myself of how i can fight the evils in my life. of course there were crazy people at work today (but none like in my last post, hehe). and there were times where i felt like i am on a dead end road but i am doing what i can to not look at it like that but more like climbing a hill and just not being able to see the other side yet...

looking back to that day i was in extreme turmoil... but what can seem bad may turn out good... that experience got me into college :)

why am i awake still?

2006-02-12T01:38:00.000-06:00

it's 1:34am and i am still awake. i have to be up in like 7 hours to go to church and then work until 8:30pm, booo.
a random story from today (only at jcpenney)... a girl walks into the store, comes to the front of the register, looks straight at me and says, "jc penney is closing" and says it like i just took away her source of life or something. she said it with such disdain and anger. i looked at her and said "no, we're not closing. the one in hickory hollow closed." she said, "oh" and her mom grabbed her hand and they walked away... who does that?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
today i started a new craft project that is going to take a while... so don't expect pictures anytime soon...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
things have been difficult lately. God is really teaching me how to be patient, rather, telling me that i need to patient while i whine and complain in my head asking WHY HAVE I NOT CHANGED THE WORLD YET? why do i question? in the end i am going to be like God, i am a dork, i apologize for being stupid... but i guess the cool thing is that he will say it's ok... :)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
people appear when you need them most... really, they do.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
good night

the juliana theory (1997-2006)

2006-02-09T23:49:00.000-06:00

It's a very sad moment for us. The time has come to say goodbye. This letter is the explanation and the official seal that the 5 individuals who have been known as The Juliana Theory are leaving the band behind. Yes, what we are saying is that we are broke up. There will be no final tour. Our last show was in Cologne, Germany on January 28, 2006.
(thejulianatheory.net)

emotion is dead was released years ago, but i remember falling in love with it my freshman year in college. there is just something so cool about the song "we're at the top of the world" and there are very few songs that could describe a horrible friendship that i had gotten out of like "if i told you this was killing me, would you stop?" i don't remember if i had seen them live. they had gone through tons of line up changes and released other albums. but none as great as emotion is dead.
today they broke up, i knew it was inevitable. but i wanted to take a moment to remember the awesomeness of a great album and a great band.

the juliana theory... rip

thoughts on the grammys

2006-02-09T14:43:00.000-06:00

so norma jean didn't win for best packaging. that really was the only category i cared for. yea, i wanted fall out boy to win best new artist, but i knew it wouldn't happen... kelly clarkson is my hero and i have a new crush on john legend, the man is amazing with the piano. kanye west looked like he wanted to be the child of elvis and michael jackson and madonna looked like she was 22 years old. people wore clothes that probably cost more than my college tuition (4 years of it...) and then there were the awards. green day did take another, though i think "gold digger" was a better song than "boulevard of broken dreams."
it was fun to watch in the company of fun people and the award for best commercial would have to (hands down) go to yahoo music for their 8-bit cartoon with gwen and pharrell singing while the octopus dances, it doesn't get much better than that.
but in the end, norma jean didn't win for their artwork on o God, the aftermath... maybe at the dove awards? they are nominated for the same category, but... they are up against mae for the everglow. thoughts?

PAULcast - what would paul write or say to us today?

2006-02-08T23:07:00.000-06:00

having just finished "searching for God know's what" by donald miller, i can't help but repeat a question he left me with towards the end. if paul were to write a letter to us today, what would he write?
i think paul would do a podcast, something that reaches the masses or perhaps a public speaking tour, mass email or something? i feel that he would be so convicted to tell us what God had put on his heart that he would do all of the above...
but how would he look at us?
would he "not [stop] giving thanks for [us]" (ephesians 1:16 niv) because of our faith? or would he write to us as he did the people of galatia and say that "[he] is astonished that [we] are so quickly deserting the one who called [us] by grace of Christ" (galatians 1:6 niv)?
we, meaning, citizens of the earth that was created by God... not just the united states, the western hemisphere or whatnot, but we being christians on earth. if paul could write a letter to us i feel he would be unfavorable but would begin praising God for His faith and love for His people. being human we are not perfect and paul would humble us, don't you think? we live in a world that is all about power and winning and being the better person, to accept any constructive criticism we would have to be knocked down and rehumanize ourselves to understand the full concept of what this man would try to teach us, rather what God would want to teach us through his words.
i feel paul would mention part of what he wrote to the romans regarding judgment. "you, therefore have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. so when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will esacape God's judgment? or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?" (romans 2:1-4 niv). we all judge, some more than others. we begin this at an early age, remember in kindergarten, there was always the smelly kid? the cute one, the funny one, the one who couldn't speak english and the one who didn't talk at all? we are created to notice differences and then judge upon them. we strive to be as far away from the wallflower or nerd as possible, so we begin to judge. this trait just grows as we progress through school and life. i feel paul would ask, would you want to become a part of a group that judges sins and differences and urges you to conform? i know that this is not what christianity is all about, but from the outside looking in, it can come off that way... i know that Jesus doesn't teach us to judge against sinners, but answer this for me... would you be friends with someone who was pregnant and not married, lied, gossiped, was gay, had an affair, was a different race, was poor, was rich, had an abortion, had aids, was a democrat, was a republican, was a communist, etc. (the list goes on). i'm sure at least one of those makes you uncomfortable, and it's not your fault... but we judge, it's engrained in our heads and it's like a horrible pimple that won't go away...
if we were more accepting of one another, wouldn't the world just work more smoothly?
paul says in his first letter to the corinthians, "when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears" (1 corinthians 13:10 niv). these six words amaze me. because we as humans are imperfect and we strive to be perfect but i feel as if our definition of perfect is becoming what it shouldn't be and withering away like the pedals on a rose after it has been cut from its source of life. perfect can be looking beautiful, being the best athlete, being great at an instrument or just simply living for God. which do you think gets overlooked more often?
i feel paul would conclude urging the christians of the world we live in today to really stop and listen to what God is telling us, what we are working so hard to quiet in our hearts and minds. we are so busy trying to prove that we (as christians) are right that we leave so many people behind. for example, i may want to go to california and so may someone else. i can take a plane but they may feel more inclined to drive, in the end don't we both end up in california? what i am trying to say is that not everyone sees the world the way i do, why would i force them to believe something i do the way that i do? it's impossible. but who knows what would happen if we decide to go on a road trip? "the body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. so it is with Christ. for we were all baptized by one spirit into one body-whether Jews or Grees, slave or free-and we were all given the one Spirit to drink" (1 corinthians 12:12-13 niv). we are all to "be completely humle and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. make every effor to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace" (ephesians 4:2-3 niv).
the world is a tough place and as my roommate had mentioned tonight, it's not cool to be christian. who the heck cares if it's cool? if we try to make it cool then the people who are looking for it will probably turn away.

and i know for a FACT that i am no where near perfect and i fall a lot. but in the end, i have NO CLUE what paul would write to the world. and in no way is my assumption of what he would write based on hours of research... i don't know the bible well enough to have used the best excerpts to prove my point. all i am saying is that, in reaction to the question that donald miller placed into my head while reading his book, i used to be a non-christian who looked at christians like they were crazy people who didn't practice what they preached and brought hurt into lives, including mine. christianity doesn't need to be popular, but rather just reach out to those who were as lost as i was just a few years ago.

craft time! the sequel

2006-02-08T12:47:00.000-06:00

i know you are eagerly awaiting the revealing of my decoupage creation... well, wait no more! i have pictures of my completed piece of art :) hehehe.
first, this is what it looked like after i painted it:

pretty! but wait, it gets cooler. then i put many of the past couple years of ticket stubs on there and put tons and tons of glue over it...

the cool thing about this project is that it brought back a million great memories. each show was unique and it was just great to think abou the fun times during college. but then it also reminded me of how much money i spent too... (but, some of them were free... :))

but, the artwork doesn't end there. i was in the mood for a new tote bag, so i went to michael's and got one and did this to it:

no, they're not starfish :) i did a crazy collage of flowers, to get into the spring mood i guess. :)

and when i get paid this weekend, i am going to work on another bag, with an idea given to me by one of my old roommates. i am so excited!

i stopped dating the church...

2006-02-05T22:53:00.000-06:00

today i stopped dating the church. for years i have led a life of promiscuity and confusion when it comes to choosing a body of people to belong to in following Christ.
well after much prayer and talking to people i had a revelation. basically God put it on my heart that i am where i need to be to serve and it was such an affirming feeling. so i have a church and i am so excited! :)
coincidentially, last night i began and finished "stop dating the church" by joshua harris which helped confirm my thoughts about joining a church. it's not about me and it never should have been about me.

2 years...

2006-02-03T23:42:00.000-06:00

2 years since i got my nose pierced...

life - faith = fear

2006-02-02T23:01:00.000-06:00

the youth minister who i worked with always would say "fear is the lack of faith." and i am beginning more and more to really think that.
i am fearful of stupid things like elevators and spiders but can i actually be fearful to actually let myself like something? i think for years i have taught myself that failure or disappointment was just a part of everything and to just expect that as opposed to really shooting for the stars. so where does this lead me? to disregard something that i like, that i really think is for me. and what do i do? i do what i can to find a flaw, i search and strive to find some sort of detail that detracts me from it.
so is fear really the lack of faith? i think so. when you fear, it's something that is unknown and it's isolating. which is an elevator to me. you're in a box in the middle of a building with no windows, horrible lighting and no actual knowledge of whether the computer operating this several ton hollow box will open when it is supposed to. it's kind of like when i fear anything. i trap myself in this box and really only faith can open the doors to something new, you know? if i have faith that the doors will open, if i have faith that Jesus will provide everything that i need, then why have fear?
i think satan tries to isolate us in these boxes because when we are alone, we become vulnerable and begin to believe anything to get us out of where we are at.
at first i didn't believe what he would say, but now i can see the truth in it...

move to nashville to talk to God...

2006-02-02T21:52:00.000-06:00

this was sent to me by one of my roommates and is sooo funny:

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east
from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and
making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with
a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor
answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if
he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver,
Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Alabama. Upon entering a
church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign
read: "Calls: 25 cents"!

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have been
in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden
telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I
could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000
per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call--Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the South now, and
it's a local call."

audience participation required... this means you

2006-02-02T09:22:00.000-06:00

question: how do you decipher what God put on your heart and what you put on your heart? you know? i think God is telling me something, but it could be me telling me something and disguising it, make sense?

thoughts?

i really should be asleep...

2006-02-01T23:09:00.000-06:00

"God you gave me this heart, i was wondering if i could trade it in?"

"He says my burden is also His, but i don't want to put this on Him..."

both of these quotes come from possibly my favorite song of all time, "a self portrait" by the lyndsay diaries. today i've been addicted to listening to this band. who, you ask? a small (one-person) band that no longer exists. BUT the man behind it is doing solo shows in oklahoma and california and i am not there to see it :(
regardless i would have to give the man credit for creating my favorite album of all time. and today my ipod kept picking his songs on the random shuffle (i love letting God pick my playlist).
the whole cd represents vulnerability to me. what person would want to pour out their soul into lyrics to then be judged by the world? music baffles and amazes me at the same time and i wish all artists who are due credit would get it.

i am such a dork though (this is what i do... my extreme fan story, hehe). after discovering 'remember the memories' (his first cd) during my junior year in college (i think) i wrote the man a letter saying that the cd came to me at the most perfect time and had such an impact on me. a few weeks later, my roommate and i went to go to his show where there were like 10 people in this cafe and afterwards we were talking and he was like, "you're nicole, from pepperdine?" i was like "yea." and he did say that the card i sent was one of the nicest things :) so regardless of whether or not that was true, i think it is always great to show appreciation cause you never really know how much a person may be in search of affirmation :)

to: God@heaven.com

2006-01-31T22:10:00.000-06:00

dear God,

hey. it's me nicole. i hope You're doing great up in heaven and all around. there is something that has been weighing down my heart and mind lately, God... i don't know how to approach this cause it's super hard for me to explain it to anyone, but i will try. i am tired of this thing called "religion," it makes me feel like i don't belong anywhere, especially in Your kingdom. i know what You're thinking, nicole... how many times must we talk about it? well i figure if You can forgive someone "seventy-seven times" then You can probably discuss the inner battle of choosing a religion a few times as well. also, You're probably the best person to discuss it with anyways, since churches are supposed to bring us closer to You. that's the thing though, they are supposed to bring us closer to You, but i don't feel that most of the time. i let these organizations get in the way of their said purpose which is to worship You. i feel like i get more out of worship when i am alone in my car driving through with beautiful scenery or like on those days, when i was at pepperdine, on days after it rained where the ocean was a blue that is indescribable along with crisp clean air; or even just when i sit at home and read my bible. there is no discomfort, no wondering if i am going to forget the words, no thinking of whether i should stand or sit, none of this... it's just me and You and Your Son. i understand that i need this building to help keep me accountable and feed me each week. i like to look at it as showers... like, we can do what we can to keep ourselves clean and everything, you know, with febreeze and face wipes, etc. but in the end we do need to take showers, just like in the end we do need to go to church if we ever really want to get that extra shine. cause i really do feel that surrounding myself with other people who want to be clean is a good thing, don't You? but then there are those deceitful salesmen who say that you can be clean without the shower and try to sell it to you in like a pill form or some sort of spray, but i think after it all we all just still need a simple shower. i don't know if that makes any sense to You but it's how i like to think of it :)
to try to conclude this letter, God, i just want to say that i apologize for letting this horrible debate take time away from me living my life for You. i shouldn't spend time dwelling on which church to call home, i think it's satan trying to consume my thoughts and i really am sorry for it. so i guess, i am just asking for clarity and patience for things to come. i know one day i will be lead to where i am supposed to be. thanks so much for your time, patience and understanding when it comes to a simple human such as myself.

love always, nicole

i know i say it alot

2006-01-31T12:16:00.000-06:00

but seriously...

THE PEOPLE OUT HERE ARE SO NICE

that is all

i just read the best chapter of my life

2006-01-30T15:27:00.000-06:00

i am presently reading "searching for God knows what" by donald miller and his chapter 'adam, eve and the alien: how the fall makes you feel?' and i am speechless. i put the book down and immediately went to blog on it.
i also read an amazing blog entry here both of these things deal with the same topic. why do we as humans do what we can to fit in? it's disgusting to me! and yet, i still try.

a child learns early there is a fashionable and an unfashionable in the world an ugly and a pretty, a valued and an unvalued. where this system comes from, God only knows, but it is rarely questioned, and thought completely illogical and agreed upon by everyone as evil, it remains in play, commanding our emotions as a possession. it isn't something taught to us by our parents; it is somethng that comes naturally, as though a radioactive kind of tragedy happened, screwing up our souls. (searching for God knows what)

we all have lived through it too. the first day of high school, you are immediately put into your social class and usually have no hope of transcending those boundaries. i was one of the fortunate few who were lucky enough climb the ladder as the years progressed. but for what? my friends in the "upper" level were worse than the friends who i left behind and i ended my time in high school wondering who the heck i was wanting to impress?

craft time!

2006-01-28T23:03:00.000-06:00

sooo i got home last night and after a nice long discussion with my roommate karina i decided that i was feeling artsy. i had purchased some acrylic paint a few weeks ago with the intention of painting the flowerpot i had purchased to use as my magazine holder (it was a fun and cheap alternative to an actual magazine holder).
it took me a while to get my vision, but started out with the little flowerpot (which i use to hold makeup and stuff) and did this... what do you think it is?

well it's a sunset, kind of... there are some clouds too :) i like it...
then it was on to the big pot (the magazine holder). i had visioned a dove, but didn't know what to do and ended up with this:

it is surrounded by my favorite bible quote, "lead a life worthy of the calling you have received. be completely humbe and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (ephesians 4:1-2) and the crazy thing.. it fit perfectly around the ring!

lastly, i woke up this morning INSPIRED to decoupage my dozens of concert tickets to a board of some sort to hang up! sooo i went to home depot and bought a piece of wood and this is the beginning of it :

in a few days i will be sure to post a picture of the end product :)

my playlist

2006-01-25T13:00:00.000-06:00

i saw this posted and thought it would be fun to fill out:

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs? 3849

Sort by artist:
First artist: The (International) Noise Conspiracy (I am thinking the parenthesis make it go first in alphabetical order, that's how it sorted..)
Last artist: Youth Group

Sort by song title:
First Song: ""It's Not a Side Effect of the Cocaine. I Am Thinking It Must Be Love"" by Fall Out Boy (I am thinking the quotation marks make it go first...)
Last Song: "Zak and Sara" by Ben Folds

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: 0:04- "Four Seconds of Noise" by Hot Hot Heat (I didn't count the blank song 0:00 from John Mayer)

Longest Song: 31:22 "Die for your Government (Live)" Anti-Flag

Sort by Album:
First Album: 40 Licks-Rolling Stones
Last Album: Young Lust; Aerosmith Anthology

First song that comes up on Shuffle: "The City Lights" by Umbrellas

How many songs come up when you search for "sex?": 4
How many songs come up when you search for "death?": 43
How many songs come up when you search for "love?": 174
How many songs come up when you search for "you?": 733
How many songs come up when you search for "why?": 7
How many songs come up when you search for "God?": 36
How many songs come up when you search for "crazy?": 2

lessons of a california girl living in the south, part 3: signs that i am becoming southern

2006-01-23T22:10:00.000-06:00

yes, it's true. the more i live here the more i am becoming what i never thought would happen, a southerner. granted, i will never hang a confederate flag or go muddin' in the back pasture, but here are some signs that i am beginning to adapt to my surroundings:
1) i say 'sir' or 'ma'am' like 4,394,738,832 times a day: seriously, it's the thing to say. if not it shows a sign of disrespect...
2) i've hit a deer: i was told by shuttle driver to the airport that i am a true country girl now that i have achieved this goal... i wonder what he would have said had i taken it home?
3) i want a car that is bigger than what i have: after #2 i don't feel safe in my civic and actually am thinking in the future (distant, like full time job and security future) of actually purchasing a vehicle that may not be a hybrid, maybe even an suv (i can't believe i just admitted that).
4) music: my likes in music have dropped a lot of interest in dance rock and more into harder rock, i think the south has influenced this... this was confirmed when i went to see the pink spiders on friday and hated it but have enjoyed both he is legend and underoath at shows here. i just don't think nashville is the place for new wave influenced dance rock...
5) future: my outlook on the future is a little different, i actually would consider owning a house and having a yard and trees, etc.
and last but not least (the most funniest that karina and i discussed)...
6) boys: i am attracted to a completely different type of guy now. i find the 5'o clock shadow to be super attractive and just that whole rugged look. 6 months ago, i vowed never to date a guy with facial hair. but the worst of all, a guy with a truck. that would be great. LOL. i cannot believe i am openly admitting that. but still, there are limits... no hummers or diesels.

anyways... this may or may not all be influenced from life in the south. it could be just the fact that i am getting older and i guess with age comes new perspective on things. but i'm sure my surroundings have a little to deal with it, don't you think?