contemplative on a cloudy day

funny that i am writing this blog at this moment... i am also surfing purevolume.com to find bands that i have never heard of and i am listening to a song called "you're not alone" by a band called drive by... they're ok, but it's about how i felt the past week or so, isolated. first it began with the realization that i did not get the job at zambooie, which is ok, i don't know if it was a perfect fit, but it was just nice to think about getting away from the monotony of jc penney. then my computer crashed, i knew it was coming, i was just hoping it would take its time getting there. i didn't exactly have an extra $1,000 sitting around or anything but my computer is a big way i keep in touch with my friends back home and i just do everything on it, so it sucked to lose it :( then i was faced with the thought of can i afford to add a monthly payment to my already small income? and if i did purchase another computer it would pretty much put in concrete that my plans of going home for pepperdine's graduation just won't happen. then we also had bible study on wednesday where i felt like a horrible person after reading the chapter in our book. i felt like the author told me that since i do want a career and am not in a hurry to get married, raise kids and become a house wife that i am a bad person. and i expressed my feelings at bible study and felt like no one really understood where i was coming from, i felt like i had alienated myself from them.
moving out to tennessee, i knew would be difficult, but i thought by now it would be a little easier, but it continues to get harder. many days in the past week, i just wanted to be home. away from the uncertainty and just with people who i feel understand me. and for a while i had been working towards the end of april where i could see everyone again, but now that is gone. (i bought a new laptop, i had to... it was sooo cheap and such a blessing for compusa to have a great sale the same week my computer crashed).
i also am beginning to just detest work. not like i did when working at the law office, just the lack of respect people have for eachother makes me sad.
also there are a lot of anniversaries coming up for me, tomorrow marks my 4 months in being here... that is 1/3 of a year, and i feel like i have accomplished little and it drives me insane. also it has almost been a year since i have graduated. a whole year. i don't even know how to respond to that.
i don't mean to be in a gross mood, i am just trying to find my place and feel like all i am doing is walking backwards...
on a better note, i got to go to pf chang with a friend from college who lives in memphis now and was up for a few days. it was SO GOOD to see someone familar and just catch up. but then again it made me miss california that much more... also my awesome roommate and i went to a fun art show on saturday with loud music (hehehe). but we made a pact and my end of it is to go out and make myself more social, so i will be sure to update you (my avid reader, hehe) on how that goes :)

well today is nicole needs another job day (yesterday at work was enough motivation to get a new one...) so i am off.