a little soul searching...

christmas weekend, a time to be spent with loved ones... this year i spent it with my thoughts. but it wasn't bad, yes at times it did get lonely but i needed to be alone because i came out much stronger. yes, this can happen in a four day period.
last thursday i was offered a job, one that would be revered by many people. free travel all over the united states, a nice discout at best buy, full time pay and benefits, how could anyone question it? well i did. first of all, i do not like to travel. i learned this in my time around south america. hotels, suitcases, planes... i rather not do that. (yes, i am like one in 4378434753843 people who don't like to travel...) so i was hesitant, but after my interview i had an ok feeling about it and would consider it. i was given a little less than 24 hours to make the decision. this was going to be a long day. all day i stressed about it, throwing out pros and cons but still no definite outcome. friday morning came and i was feeling ok about it, so i said yes and scheduled my drug test and criminal background check for later this week...
after agreeing to proceed i got this horrible unsettling feeling within me. i was sick to my stomach and i didn't understand why i couldn't have felt like this prior to making a decision. so i gave myself a few more days to really think about the consequences of taking or not taking the job.
did i move 2,000 miles to work for best buy and only to be gone 50-70% of the year?
so came the weekend of me and my thoughts. all my roommates had left to go visit friends and family for the holiday so i was stuck with myself to ponder whether or not to accept this job. i really just wanted someone to make the decision for me. but i knew i had to make the decision myself. i talked with a lot of people about my options and it split about 50/50, as my mind did.
then christmas day came and a lot of things changed...
"and, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them... and the angel said unto them, fear not: for, behold, bring you good tidings of great joy, whih shall be to all people. for unto you is born this day in the city of david a savior, which is Christ the Lord." (luke 2:9-11)
the day that we are supposed to celebrate the life of Jesus and all i was consumed with were thoughts about me and my life... later that night i watched a documentary called "invisible children" and my thought process was drastically altered. (for my full reaction please visit my other blog)
there is so much tragedy in the world and i know that i can make a difference, even if it is small, it still can be done. and i realized that my life is not about me... taking the job at best buy, yes.. it would bring me security, but it would prevent me from finding a church here, meeting people here, and doing what i came here to do... find my ministry, whether that is through music or who knows, but that is what i set out to do and this job would postpone that. i would only take the job at best buy for selfish reasons...
let us flashback a little... after graduation, i was desperate to find a job, to make something of myself. after months of searching, i got a job at a law office which wasn't good for me. i needed to do it, looking back, but it drove me into a very unhappy and depressive state that i hope to never return to. it wasn't just the job that made me unhappy but with the idea of me feeling like i had no purpose, i had lost all hope in finding out who i was. then things fell into place and i ended up here and i am happy. happy pursing a dream. i have no job and no security, which is rare for me (i always plan) but i haven't been this at peace in a long time, so it's got to mean something, right?
i must sound insane right now... and i wish i could convey into words my true intentions for turning down the job...
and of course i am scared... i turned down security!
i feel like i am just jumping around my mind right now... sorry. but this weekend has been big for me, if for anything, for me realizing, once again, that my life is not my own...

so here i am jumping off another cliff into the unknown, but i am happy doing it...