this probably won't make any sense...

i've never been a fan of losing control of something. it's just not what i do. for the years before i became a Christian, i depended on myself for everything. burned by friends and stuff i became very independent and wanted the help of no one. so when one lives so long under a certain mindset it is easy to go back to it once you have changed... it's like being an addict only to fall into a relapse because it is too easy.
well i have given God the keys to the car for a little bit and now i am bugging him (like an annoying passenger) to drive. i guess i am scared He will get me lost or something (which is stupid) but i just feel that if i were in control maybe things would be a little more clear now.
but do i really want to get what i ask for? NO. things have always been better when i let go of the control over my life... so then why do i keep reverting back to my old ways and want control?
oh life is so complicated...