the sky is falling, the sky is falling

tonight i had a break down, i wanted to just go home. but where is home? california is home because my friends and family are there, but many of them are graduating in the next month and my parents are moving from victorville to seattle. so where is home exactly? tennessee isn't home because i am not really all that comfortable out here and am realizing that it is going to be a little difficult finding people who understand me.
sitting in my piles of paper that are awaiting shredding i found myself caught in jealousy and selfishness all leading me to a very lost place. home is going to be where i make it but i really just don't know if nashville is that place i want to lay a foundation. do i want to go back to school? that's what i tell a lot of people to downplay the whole i moved to nashville to work in music plan. i love school but what i want to study, more than likely, will not lead to a promising career.
what the heck is a promising career anyway? working for the man? because i can get one of those jobs, i just would rather not. perhaps this is for selfish reasons, but there is just too much inside of me that would die if i were to do that right now. when i worked for a law office last year, i was stable and financially comfortable but was the most depressed i had ever been in my life and i never want to feel like that again.
i was reminded recently of why i choose my major. i remember it vividly. the summer of 2003 i was taking an international relations course and we watched a documentary on the rwandan genocide and it was like a nuclear exploision went off in my heart, something was released that i cannot contain and it's that there are people out there who are lost and falling victims to injustice and i just can't sit around and read about it.
so yes, i know your next question, are you doing anything about it now nicole? no i am not and i am ashamed. the reason i am following christian music is because it helped me find God when i was lost in high school. but i still feel like i wouldn't be satisfied if i get a great job in the industry, because i just don't know...
i don't know where i am going with all this, it's like i am explaining my whole move out here again... maybe i need to remind myself (my whole story on my blog if you want to read it)...
what is it we even strive for? life makes no sense to me at times. i just finished watching "chicken little" (this is what i do when i am sick, i rent disney movies..) and all the chicken wanted was acceptance from his father. and earlier i was thinking about the movie "rushmore," what is your rushmore? what do we live for?
i don't know if i can answer that and i am not sure if i like that i cannot answer it. i am a christian, would that default my answer to i live for Christ? but then there would be a million default answers for each part of my life. not that living for God isn't a bad thing, but it has to be more than that.
tonight i took another step into losing control of my life, which is the most difficult thing i have done. i gave up a big part of it when i moved out here because i felt that i was called to do it, but in the past couple weeks i have learned that there are still things that i cannot let go of. if i can trust God to move me 2,000 miles without knowing a person or having a job, then why can't i give Him other things? tonight i learned that i don't want to stress over things that i don't need to stress over. i was humbled.

normally i don't get so vulnerable on any of my blogs, but it was needed this evening. difficult times will still come whether i am here or anywhere else, but i am learning that there are people who genuinely care and that is so beautiful to me.