denying a part of me?

i love to pray the rosary... many view it as redundant, boring and irrelevant. who is really paying attention to what they are saying when they repeat so many prayers at a time? yes, i know... but there is something so peaceful and beautiful as your fingers graze over each bead leading you back to where you began, the crucifix. i am in love with tradition. there are few things more beautiful than something that is able to transcend generations to become tradition. i don't worship mary or any of the saints, but ask them for their prayers as if i were asking a friend... i am catholic...
i disagree with the whole birth control thing and though i will never get an abortion myself, i still am not convinced that the government should make that choice for me. i am hesitant on confessing my sins to a priest and am saddened by the many congregations that go to church dreading the hour and get angry when it hits an hour and 10 minutes. i am sad that my friends who visit my church cannot receive the eucharist, cause aren't we all there to be with jesus? maybe i am not so catholic...
for the now seven weeks (tomorrow) that i have been here in tennessee i have come back to war that has been waging in my head for years, ever since i started at pepperdine. what is the significance of religion?

so i sit here today, in franklin, tennessee, in the middle of the bible belt where there is a plethora of churches but catholic ones are scarce. there are a few in the area, but none that have made me excited to be a part of the catholic religion as mine did back home in california. that was an exceptional church and i was sad to see it go. but i can't uproot a church and bring it with me and i know that i have been led here, for whatever reason, i am happy where i am at and know that had i stayed in california i would be depressed. so i guess the point of this blog is what i have been debating in my head for years... am i denying a part of myself by not going to a catholic mass every week? a friend back home told me that i can go to any church but i also have to make sure to receive the eucharist (communion) every week as well. i understand the importance of receiving Jesus every week, but what good is receiving communion if i have to force myself to go to a place where i don't grasp the message or feel comfortable? isn't church supposed to be about a community of people all striving to follow and be like Christ and tell others about Him? honestly, anyone can have a relationship with Jesus, He is omnipresent and with us all the time... but for me, a church helps me remember this through the good and the bad. kind of like a family, they lead you to be a better person and comfort you through the ups and downs... the church does the same but focuses leading you to be a better person through the emulation of Christ. so how important is organized religion versus a small group? good question, i have no clue. then again, i am no scholar in all this stuff... but can an organized religion really hold over anyone's head that they are to remain completely dedicated to that one organization? i am not pledging a sorority... i just really dislike the fact that i am hesitant to enter another church because it is not catholic. it's like i've become discriminatory against other religions...
so this morning, i went to a church... not expecting to like it. i just wanted to knock another one off my list, cause that is what i am accustomed to. i think that deep down that i try to find something wrong, it's like i am scared to actually like something. it was amazing. such a blessing to be amongst a small group of people who love Jesus and were the most welcoming church i think i have ever been to in my life. i obviously stuck out (since it was such a small church) so EVERYONE had to find out who i was and how i ended up there... but they all really seemed to care. maybe it's the fact that southern people are just so much nicer than those out west (no offense, but it's true). but regardless, i felt like God put that seat in there for me. there were so many things throughout the message that were like "HELLO NICOLE, I WROTE THIS FOR YOU..." so am i wrong for liking a church that is a polar opposite of what i grew up attending?
honestly, the fact that i am writing this blog makes me really think that there is evil in organized religion because it makes me doubt... and doubting takes me away from what i go to church for and that is to strengthen my relationship with Christ...