revenge is never sweet

"and after all the stupid things i did, there's nothing left there to forgive, because you already forgave me..." -relient k

you know how survey's say that the number one thing that most people are scared of is public speaking followed by death. i would like to bet that most of those people who are scared of public speaking and ask them, would you rather speak in front of a group or come face to face with that one person in your life who you swore you would never forgive and forgive them? my guess is that they would be finding the nearest speech class and off to buy some notecards. isn't it amazing how we let things haunt us? this past summer i was forced to face many of those skeletons in my closet. there were a handful of people who i would rather never speak to the rest of my life, but one by one they all re-entered my life... whether it was a random phone call, a myspace message or even me volunteering to work in the same organization; these people had hurt me in the past and i wanted nothing to do with them. but God wanted me to deal with them and i learned that forgiveness is a beautiful thing! how can i expect that God will forgive me if i can't even forgive people for things that are probably more petty than my sins.
the concept of forgiveness was put into my head while we were watching tv tonight. there was a show where a man who was trying to make a difference with his life admitted to killing his pastor's son many years back and has felt remorse over it since it happened while he was an adolescent on the streets. this pastor didn't forgive him, but he did something even worse. he gave his address to the gang leader who was after him so he could kill him. this disturbed me beyond belief. (yes, i know it was a tv show... but i get so emotionally involved it gets me all frustrated!) a pastor, who preaches forgiveness, sought revenge... the irony kills me.

moving on, a few months back while i was working at church, we had a night based on reconciliation (it's a catholic thing, also called 'confession') and for most of my life i have disagreed with the catholic church on the topic of confession. i had gone to confession once before in my life and that was for my first confession. but we had a night for the teens about confession and i was dreading it more than a visit to the dentist. one because i felt like i wasn't practicing what i was preaching. here i was telling these teens to go to confession, when i hadn't done it in like 13 years. secondly, i've never liked the idea of spilling my thoughts to a priest. so the night began and one of the leaders gave a great talk on what confession really is. and i was actually considering doing it! so when the night was winding down and the line was getting shorter, i got in line... i had no idea what i was doing and didn't even remember what i was supposed to say! i was crying and i remember a bunch of people just coming over and praying for me (they had no idea that i hadn't been to confession in FOREVER, but i felt like each prayer was that much more strenghtening). then it came for me to go and i couldn't believe i had made it this far! so i went in and talked with the priest. i cried the entire time and it was just amazing because i knew God was there. the incredible thing about it all though, at the end of confession the priest instructs you on ways to improve yourself so that you don't fall into sin as deep and as quick as before, he didn't tell me to say like 10 hail mary's but just said to look at the positive side of things and how God blessed me each day. i was like, that's strange... what on earth are you talking about? i'm positive... afterwards i just sat and reflected... that night i went home and kept thinking about negative things and then i stopped myself and thought whoa! how did the priest know that i would dwell on the negative? and i knew that i wasn't just talking to a priest that night but Jesus was there too. and from that moment on, the concept of forgiveness just blows me away. because it takes so much to forgive and the idea that we are forgiven everyday for our mistakes is remarkable! i am still very hesitant with confession, but i knew that on that particular night, God wanted me to talk to someone about my thoughts and i am glad that i did.

to conclude this long entry, i know that i still have to work on not holding grudges and just letting things pass. it's hard, but inevitably, i think it can be done...