vulnerability is my enemy

so i am pissed off at myself and am in a horribly bad mood.
it's raining outside and i am sitting here at my computer with endless hope. what am i hoping for? not really sure. i write blogs with the understanding that people do read them, which makes me censor things that may make me vulnerable. i am tired of that. if i am sad, then i can be sad; likewise if i am happy, then i can be happy. where i am going is that, i have been in a gross mood the past couple days. perhaps it's the lonliness settling in along with thoughts of "have i made a mistake?" but that is what i would normally censor. i don't want you to feel sorry for me and call me up or send an email asking to hang out or anything because i wrote that. this empty feeling i have, i really don't think can be filled up by the presence of people.
it's funny. since i have moved, i feel like i have grown closer to God and farther from him at the same time... can this make sense?
today at church the theme of "are we really doing what we say we are doing" was present throughout the message. it's like someone took a match and a gallon of gasoline and lit it on fire inside of me. i have been here 2 months now, and i am now even beginning to question the validity of my dream to work in music. social justice always has a way of getting back into my heart and mind.
in the end there is just one thing i want to do: I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE. honestly, i know that sounds cheesy and something only miss america would say, but that's all i have ever wanted to do. now how i want to help is another thing... i want to minister, educate and aid people. i love the power music has to do those, but i do know that even within a great organizeation the music industry doesn't operate that way... so what am i to do? start another webzine to add to the group? this has been something on my mind, but there has to be something else, something more. i read about all these people going on mission trips around the world, etc. but i know that is not what i am supposed to do... i hate traveling and all that comes with it. anyways, i could go back and forth on all this...
there is another thing that i do know... God wants me here in tennessee, for whatever reason that may be, i know He wants me here.
vulnerability is something i stayed as far away from as possible. whether it would be giving a guy my phone number or going somewhere new. but i feel like i am now extremely vulnerable... i am uncomfortable and am wondering how much more uncomfortable i have to feel until things begin to click.
i don't ask for your pity, this void is self-induced... it's the evil in the world trying to convince me that the God i am following isn't worth it. so what i will ask for, is your prayer. today at church, our pastor said that when someone is praying for you, only good things can come of it. so if you ever have a prayer request, feel free to send it my way... no specific prayer, just that clarity comes from the fog that i presently see.