thoughts on a saturday night

i just dyed my hair, probably the second time in a 3 week period... if i keep this up, my hair will fall out in a few years :) i will probably end my craziness with some red chunks in it by the end of the week... i've had two days off from work and it's been nice but also bad. bad because when i am not working i get bored, so i go shopping (which is never good when i am supposed to be saving...). but it's been good because i've had time to hang out with myself. this is something i am growing accustomed to in my move out here. and no, this is not a bad thing, it's rare for me. for years and years i did what i could to get involved and give every second of my day (and more) to organizations, school, work, etc.; never time for myself... the first time i had time with myself and my thoughts i fell into a horrible state of depression, because i had to deal with my thoughts. thoughts of no self-worth and evils. this was the summer after i became a christian. you know you have that euphoric beginning of accepting Christ into your life, that went for most of my sophomore year, but we all were bound for that first test. this was one i thought i would fail. how could i love myself? i remember that summer as if it were yesterday. i was the resident advisor of the apartments, dedicated to sga as vice president (i spent sooo many hours of that summer in that office preparing for a crazy year), lived with an old roomate and took a class each session. but i remember the alone time, i was stuck in a hard spot in my life and knew that i had to deal with my long-running self-esteem issues. people were already coming to me for guidance... i was a leader on campus, but couldn't tell you a good thing about me to convince you why i was a good leader. i remember crying with my roommate and not being able to explain why. i remember wanting God to just make the pain go away. i didn't develop good friendships until after that summer... i always let people get to a certain point in my life before i turned them away with the brick wall i had built around me. i had become a good actor by then, 19 years of a show of me being confident...
i remember turning to someone who i had rarely talked to in my first two years at pepperdine. a woman in campus ministries. they were all church of christ, what would i find there? we taked one afternoon for a couple hours and it was great to share my thoughts with someone. we prayed and i thought all would be perfect after that. but i learned in being a christian one must be ready to climb up the rough hills as much as one is ready to glide down one. this battle with myself was my everest, i let it grow and cultivate until i could no longer see the peak... i never wanted to deal with it, which is why i became super active with high school and college. i figured if i were worrying about everything and everyone else then i would be fine.
i made it past that summer. there was no amazing turning point, it was gradual. but God put me through that to realize that He is there regardless and that i am not in control of everything. that next year, i found myself. i was happy and made friendships which i feel are some of my strongest today. i surrounded myself with people who i knew would bring out the good in me which in the end, i was able to appreciate myself.
of course i still go back and forth, like oh no, i can't fit in my jeans, etc. but no self-esteem battles like the one of that summer. i knew coming out to tennessee i would be faced with more alone time than i was used to, but i guess it's not really alone time cause God is always with me.
i am not sure how i ended up discussing all that, but it's humbling to go back and remember those times.