reinventing your exit

"we all want to be somebody
right now were just looking for the exit
this is the way i would have done things
up against the wall
you've got me up against your wall
reaching out for a hand thats not here, but you are here and im not..." underoath

isn't it funny how we want life to fly by? always anxious and waiting and impatient, why can't we enjoy right now? i am so eager to get a job and "start my life" but my life started 21.5 years ago, i've been living, so what am i waiting to begin? yes i am living at home and yes i didn't want to come back here, but i was looking for something that wasn't supposed to be for me. i am so scared that if i am offered a job, once i take it something bigger and better will come. jimmy eat world says it best in "23" by saying, "you'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time." which is true.
i just finished watching another heart tugging episode of "extreme makeover: home edition" (i always watch that show and become inspired for a blog) but it was about this little girl who had cancer and when she was healing she began making bead necklaces to sell to earn money for cancer research. she wanted the makeover people to fix the hospital not her own house! i have lost a lot of selflessness and have become extremely selfish. everything is always about me. it can't be like that. if i want to pursue a career that ultimately helps people i can't be living the way i am. and that is why i don't have a job yet, i need to learn that. i needed to be humbled and kicked off of the high that i was on for some stupid reason.
i am but a person, i cannot determine every aspect of my life or 'reinvent my exit' but while i am cruising on the freeway on the way to my destination i must always remember to help those stranded on the side.

grenade jumper

"i know you would be there either way
i'm so glad it seems like these times will never fade
so i'll tell everyone how much this means to me..." fall out boy

jumping on my friendship bandwagon once again :)

i cannot emphasize enough the power one person can have in another's life. the simple action of taking time out of your day and giving it to another is beautiful to me. i realized once again today about the blessings i have especially in my friends. though they may not understand it, if they know something is important to you they will respect that and help you out.

i've been burned so many times before by people and it is amazing to see that after all the smoke clears there are still people there waiting with open arms and in the end, those are the ones that matter.

"when i find myself fading, i close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy" -anonymous

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on another note, i watched an amazing show tonight. i recommend it to everyone! it's from the guy who did "supersize me." he has a show that is called "30 days" on fx and tonight's episode he and his girlfriend tried to live on minimum wage for a whole month with nothing else. it was horrifying to see how some people have to live with those standards. min wage hasn't been increased since 1997 and nationally i think the average is a little over $5.00 an hour! noone can work full time and afford to live no matter where you are in the country. but what was the most disturbing was that both him and his girlfriend got sick or injured and both had to go to emergency where their 2 visits (total) amounted into over $1000 for a simple infection and a hurt wrist. many people live without health care and that upsets me greatly. i think the right to health care is a human right and shouldn't be taken away simply because people cannot afford it.
in the end i really hope people watch his show and learn something new. i encourage watching, it's a great show!
wednesdays @ 10pm (eastern) on fx

as your voice fades

"somebody please tell me
what am i supposed to do
you died and i'm here
thinking that i hear your voice,
but it's somebody else
it's always somebody else
why did you die?
don't leave me please
i beg you God tonight bring me peace
i'll never sleep without the dreams of you alive here with me..." emery

there is no song that is better live than this song. i was just listening to it and felt like it needed to give it its own post.
i really am seeking peace right now...
this song is amazing

blue and yellow

"well you never would've thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you can not miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
well you're never gonna find it if you're looking for it
it won't come your way
well you'll never find it, if you're looking for it
i should've done something, but i've done it enough
by the way, your hands were shaking
i'd rather waste some time with you..." the used

it is amazing to me to see the power that one person can have over another human being. not so much in a negative way, though it does amaze me too to see that people base their lives on what others think of them, but i want to focus more on the positive aspect of power. a simple card, greeting or hug can change a person's day from bad to good and i just love that thought.
i just completed another beautiful episode of extreme makeover home edition and every single time i am reminded of how wonderfully blessed i am. i love when people come together for a good cause or just for good people.
i like to think that i am not a mean person, i know i am not perfect in any way but i try to please everyone possible. yes, at times this addiction to service can do more harm than help. so where is the balance? i am constantly reminded daily of all the people to help, but i have no idea where to start... do i want to be a missionary, work for a non-profit, maybe a company that donates a lot of money or who knows? in the end all i know is that i want to help people, it doesn't have to be millions or even hundreds. to me, one positively influenced life is a lifetime of success.
i just wished some people could understand that...

2:57 PM

"we just need someone
we are more than wandering lights
shadows in the dawn
we all need someone to carry each other through it all
everybody needs someone.
of all the things in the world
of all the dreams in the world..." eager seas

the longing for company consumes our minds daily. and i am not just talking about the significant other, but even friends. today i began a monstrous task, continuing my scrapbook. however though it may seem like a tedious task, once i began i fell into memories of some amazing times i had and thought of some great people in my life. it is sad to me that i may never talk to some of these people again but i know that i will get past it and meet new people, you know? i just wish i could tell that person, 'thank you' one last time just for being a great friend at that stage in my life and that they really had a great impact on my though they may not think so. i love my friends, they are amazing people and i am so blessed to have the ones that i do.
of course, i am always in search of the person who i could potentially spend the rest of my life with. such a haunting thought though, the rest of my life? i can't imagine it now, but maybe one day. until then the company is much appreciated now.
especially being in victorville now, i have no friends to go out with or just meet up for some coffee. that is one thing i will miss greatly of being at school, the ability to call a friend and run over to their place (even if i am in my pjs) just to say hello or do something random.
friendships are great and should be valued more than anything and it is sad to me that they aren't as much. even in my life, there have been times where i have been too busy and have lost people who i really cared about... people are so quick to backstab in order to advance in life, but when they make it to the top they have no where to go because they burned all their bridges.
anyways, i miss my friends...

black lines to battlefields

"stop signs, like human apathy
can cause a fatal crash..." acceptance

i just finished watching some tv special where, i believe, diane sawyer interviewed brad pitt. it is just amazing to me how selfish i truly can get. i am sitting here in a comfortable chair, in front of a computer, on the internet, in a nice house, in a safe country and still have so much stress cause i cannot find a job and stuff. there are millions of displaced people, people with disease or people who don't know how they are going to find food tomorrow! it is so easy to forget all the problems in the world... i feel like i have fallen out of touch with all that really mattered to me. i stopped reading the newspaper and have been so wrapped up in things that are fun but perhaps not so important. i seriously don't know what else i can say... i need to reevaluate where i am.

the one campaign

second place victory

"it's enlightening to think of the breeze, to believe in things that we cant see
let's show them how to live, accept the pain always forgive,
watch the sun go down and learn the sound of following all that's complete..." this day and age

oh mondays... tomorrow i bite the bullet and go job hunting in the wonderful world of retail. to be honest i am very torn right now. there are two directions i want to head in my life and i know that they go in totally opposite directions. i am almost too scared to make a decision and just hide here in victorville behind some random job and doing what everyone else does.
oh the joys of growing up. i really do wish i was back in school. or at least that i had paid a little more attention in some classes... but oh well.
good things to come (i hope)

06.04.1989 (for saturday)

i am going to be out of town for the next couple days and am not sure if i will be able to post then, so i am doing it now...



june 4, not a day that many will place with significance. but my entire last semester of college i spent hour after hour researching a country that many know little about. my paper focused on a horrible tragedy and how the country still does not face up to it.
sixteen years ago in tiananmen square in china, hundreds possibly thousands of people were murdered for wanting democracy.
the picture of the guy standing in front of the tank, i think, shows what the students and people who wanted change in china were facing. it was a sad period and i urge you to read more about this and all that is happening in the world so that maybe one day we can ensure that it won't happen again...
do me a favor, and observe a moment of silence for the unknown amount of people who were killed that day.


petition to support the tiananmen mothers
amnesty report on tiananmen for 10 year anniversary

patience

"patience won't you come, oh i feel like life's suspended
i have not become the thing that i have so intended 
put my mind at ease, and i'll write melodies
and i'll sing songs of hope that's to come
so bring back the good times, i think that that would be just fine,
bring back the good times
i won't embrace the things that i have done
patience waits for what we will become
oh it's so much more i know
that it's so worth waiting for" bleach

patience is one thing that i battle with every second of my life! 
i am a person who constantly wants to be occupied and busy,
that is just how i work...
i am getting better.  the whole unemployed thing gives me a lot of
time to just relax, or do what i did today, and clean :)
but my battle will continue to go as i sit by my phone hoping that
someone calls offering me a job...

traveling alone

"all of the ways that i have tried to understand,
have taken me further from the place that i have been,
and maybe the reason i have strayed so far from home,
is i have insisted on traveling alone" sherwood

i counted down the days pre-graduation, never would i have thought that i would count up the days post-graduation. you grow up imagining that when you graduate from college all of your problems will be solved and you will start your 'dream' career, make money, get married, have a family and live your life. well here i am 21 years old with a bachelor's degree and no future in sight. the past four weeks i have learned more than i thought i would. i have been humbled and tested. i have grown closer to god, whom i seemed to put on the back-burner while i planned my 'life.' now that the smoke is clearing things are coming to me as to what my purpose may be...
i dream of so many things every day, is it possible to achieve all these in a lifetime? good question. i am reading some books, watching some tv and doing something that i haven't done since i was born, relaxing. i have time to reflect and read the news paper and constantly soak in cnn! but i am a person who loves to be challenged and busy which is why i am here today... no job, no friends that live nearby... i am spending time with my family and taking some time to breathe. but most of all to really find who i am.
today i was pleasantly suprised (hence my web address for this blog) buy a cd of all things. i love music and it has had a huge influence on my life. but in the cd there was a quote by saint augustine it said, "let us sing now, not in order to enjoy a life of leisure, but in order to lighten your labors. you should sing as wayfairers do-sing, but continue your journey. do not be lazy, but sing to make your journey enjoyable. sing, but keep going." i feel like it's just a reminder that all hardships can lighten up and that if you focus on the positive it will make the journey that much more enjoyable. thanks goes to sherwood for putting that in their new cd, which i have been blown away by. definietly my pick for my suprise cd so far this year!
in the end, i know the past 4 weeks have been hard for me but i know there is a reason and i know that i will be lead to where i am supposed to be. all i know is that i will "keep going."

celebrate mistakes

"one of these day’s i'll find a way, to celebrate all my mistakes..." number one gun