my holiday vacation :)

just fyi, cause i know there are millions of you who check out my blog, i am going to be in chicago and michigan for the next couple days so i will not be blogging :(

have a great new year :)

a little soul searching...

christmas weekend, a time to be spent with loved ones... this year i spent it with my thoughts. but it wasn't bad, yes at times it did get lonely but i needed to be alone because i came out much stronger. yes, this can happen in a four day period.
last thursday i was offered a job, one that would be revered by many people. free travel all over the united states, a nice discout at best buy, full time pay and benefits, how could anyone question it? well i did. first of all, i do not like to travel. i learned this in my time around south america. hotels, suitcases, planes... i rather not do that. (yes, i am like one in 4378434753843 people who don't like to travel...) so i was hesitant, but after my interview i had an ok feeling about it and would consider it. i was given a little less than 24 hours to make the decision. this was going to be a long day. all day i stressed about it, throwing out pros and cons but still no definite outcome. friday morning came and i was feeling ok about it, so i said yes and scheduled my drug test and criminal background check for later this week...
after agreeing to proceed i got this horrible unsettling feeling within me. i was sick to my stomach and i didn't understand why i couldn't have felt like this prior to making a decision. so i gave myself a few more days to really think about the consequences of taking or not taking the job.
did i move 2,000 miles to work for best buy and only to be gone 50-70% of the year?
so came the weekend of me and my thoughts. all my roommates had left to go visit friends and family for the holiday so i was stuck with myself to ponder whether or not to accept this job. i really just wanted someone to make the decision for me. but i knew i had to make the decision myself. i talked with a lot of people about my options and it split about 50/50, as my mind did.
then christmas day came and a lot of things changed...
"and, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them... and the angel said unto them, fear not: for, behold, bring you good tidings of great joy, whih shall be to all people. for unto you is born this day in the city of david a savior, which is Christ the Lord." (luke 2:9-11)
the day that we are supposed to celebrate the life of Jesus and all i was consumed with were thoughts about me and my life... later that night i watched a documentary called "invisible children" and my thought process was drastically altered. (for my full reaction please visit my other blog)
there is so much tragedy in the world and i know that i can make a difference, even if it is small, it still can be done. and i realized that my life is not about me... taking the job at best buy, yes.. it would bring me security, but it would prevent me from finding a church here, meeting people here, and doing what i came here to do... find my ministry, whether that is through music or who knows, but that is what i set out to do and this job would postpone that. i would only take the job at best buy for selfish reasons...
let us flashback a little... after graduation, i was desperate to find a job, to make something of myself. after months of searching, i got a job at a law office which wasn't good for me. i needed to do it, looking back, but it drove me into a very unhappy and depressive state that i hope to never return to. it wasn't just the job that made me unhappy but with the idea of me feeling like i had no purpose, i had lost all hope in finding out who i was. then things fell into place and i ended up here and i am happy. happy pursing a dream. i have no job and no security, which is rare for me (i always plan) but i haven't been this at peace in a long time, so it's got to mean something, right?
i must sound insane right now... and i wish i could convey into words my true intentions for turning down the job...
and of course i am scared... i turned down security!
i feel like i am just jumping around my mind right now... sorry. but this weekend has been big for me, if for anything, for me realizing, once again, that my life is not my own...

so here i am jumping off another cliff into the unknown, but i am happy doing it...

new blog :)

i have a new blog in addition to 'celebrate mistakes'

i explain why i started a different one on it...

check it out: 'today i pray'

the grass is the same color on the other side...

sooo the past 24 hours have been a little crazy for me but there are somethings that i realize that i have to decide on my own... i guess that is what you call "growing up."
yesterday i was offered a job at my interview at best buy. it sounds like an amazing job and i didn't even apply for it. (i applied for a part-time cashier-type job and they called me and offered this...) it's bascially one of their team members who travel around and open and remodel best buy stores. so it gives me the opportunity to travel everywhere for free, it has benefits, pays well, etc. why am i hesitant?
well, i didn't move to nashville to work for best buy... but working for them could give me experience that i will need in the future for whatever God wants me to do, you know? i am not a huge fan of traveling, but most of it is in the south so it's not like i will be flying everywhere...
i don't know... they are probably going to call in the next hour or so to see what my decision is, and i think i know what it is, i just hope that i find peace once it is made...
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on another note, my ear still hurts from last night... lesson for the day: don't stand close to speakers at a show, it really isn't worth it :)

no more 3x5s

dear fellow concert goer,

i will begin my letter quoting john mayer... "didn't have a camera by my side this time, hoping i would see the world with both my eyes, maybe i will tell you all about it, when i'm in the mood, to lose my way with words... no more 3x5s."
i think we should all pay close attention to the beautiful words mr. mayer is presenting to us. tonight at the he is legend show there were many of you who may have never considered such a thing... not taking pictures. for my many years as an avid n'sync and backstreet boy fan, i never understood why i couldn't bring a camera into the concert... i wanted to remember these moments FOREVER! but now i am a little older and a little wiser...
you see, what mr. mayer was saying is that you don't get the full grasp of everything if all you're trying to do is catch the "moment" by observing it through a small hole or even worse, your cell phone. but there is something i am sure your little mind has not thought of... what about the people around you who could care less about capturing these moments on film but rather fully immersing themselves in their surroundings, do you think they would like your elbow in their face as you try to get an image on your screen of the bassist playing? can you even name the bassist?
i know what you will say, but it is a concert, elbows will be in your face. yes i understand, but normally when arms are flying you can push them away, if i were to push your arm away while you were trying to take a picture it would be considered rude, therefore you must look at in from different viewpoints.
but what i don't understand is why some of you would stand there with your arms crossed looking as if you were about to have a root canal and every couple minutes or so you bust out your camera to capture this 'moment.' why on earth do you look like your dog died if you are having such a good time that you want to take a picture of it???
my friends, i will conclude by urging you to follow mr. mayer's plea to, "see the world with both [your] eyes" and remember that memory of enjoying the show completely instead of worrying about getting good lighting for when the lead singer swings his microphone...
i thank you for your time and applaud your choice of music.

take care,
nicole

one of my favorite things to do...

today after work i decided to battle the shopping crowds and took a trip to tower records. though this is nothing like my favorite trips to amoeba it still is one of my favorite things to do. i just love walking up and down the cd aisles figuring out what i want to buy... (i enjoy simple things)
anyways, it was nice to walk amongst the other music enthusiasts purchasing last minute gifts :) they also had an amazing sale. i ended up purchasing "rockin' the suburbs" to add fire to my current obsession with ben folds. it was only $7.99, so you really can't beat that :) it's just so nice to just lose yourself sometimes. it's what i try to achieve when i do yoga, but i always end up thinking of a million things, maybe i should do yoga in a cd store?
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moving on, yesterday to commemorate my birthday i went to dinner with my roommates and it was delicious! i even had a surprise guest come to give me a birthday hug :) then we retreated back home to watch the special on heaven with barbara walters... but my roommates are so nice and they got me this cute little cake and i got a book and picture frame! seriously, i have only lived here for 4 weeks and was expecting just another day, so it was nice to be in the company of great people. i guess each little thing brings me closer and closer to making tennessee home :)
but back to the heaven special, i don't know how i feel about this? we also watched the special on Jesus' birth and i feel like the world is becoming more and more skeptical. this bothers me, i understand that we need answers, but there is always something so great about mystery. because everytime you answer a question there are like 10 more questions presented. it all makes me want to be a child again, where you believe in things like the tooth fairy and were satisfied with a disney movie, a blanket and a cup of ice cream. but as we grow older, i feel we become insatiable for things that we weren't meant to understand. the sky is blue, why question it? there are many things i will never be able to comprehend... how do telephones work? why do people like country music? how can i move my fingers to type out this blog? why boys don't call back? what is to become of tomorrow?
to me God exists, you don't have to show me the scientific equation... of course there are times in my life that i stray away from my belief, but it is comforting for me to know that there is more beyond my time here on earth... everyone has an opinion (which is why there are like 548573984723894723 blogs in the world) so you are welcome to yours, and i have mine :)
my favorite he is legend song quotes, "is there a place that we can go to teach the children not to grow?" (side note.. I AM GOING TO SEE HE IS LEGEND TOMORROW!!!) :) truly, a child-like faith is amazing to me...
i will leave you with a story (that i will probably mis-quote, but you'll get the point)...

there was this priest who would help out families that were less-fortunate and in one household he met this little boy. this little boy had no concept of who Jesus was and had never been to church. the priest talked to the little boy about Jesus and how He died on the cross so we could live and that next sunday, the priest took the little boy to church and put him in the front pew. the little boy was amazed at his surroundings in the church. he paid close attention to the whole service and it then came time for the collection. the boy saw this beautiful silver plate being passed around and frantically searched his pockets for any spare change he would have. alas, he had none. the little boy felt horrible because he had nothing to give to Jesus, so he got up and walked to the back to an usher who was collecting the plates. he tugged on his shirt sleeve and asked the man for the plate. he gave it to the little boy and the little boy put it on the floor and stood in it and reached his hands to the sky and offered himself in the collection...

twenty-two

today i turn twenty-two. i know it's not old, but i guess as the number increases it is as if we sit ourselves down and ponder, what have i done with the past year? was it a good year? did i do all that i could have done? of course the answer to that last question is always no. will it change for the year ahead? probably not, but it is a thought.
i have a job interview on thursday and i don't have a good feeling about it. but i feel that if offered the job there may be some external pressure to take it. so i am stressing about "what ifs" (this is something i do often).
i am also realizing more and more each day at how much i don't rely on God and it is frustrating to me. and i see myself falling, but refuse to do anything to help myself... i came here because i felt it was my "calling" but when i get here i stray away, it makes no sense. i guess it is the uncertainty of it all, and i know that when you go to follow God, evil will work harder to stop you.
i went to go see the lion, the witch and the wardrobe this weekend and it has me thinking a lot about "good versus evil" and the whole idea that we are "called" to do something. i probably have mentioned this in a previous post, but my favorite verse is when paul writes, "as a prisoner for the Lord, then, i urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace" (ephesians 4:1-3).

too much thinking for one morning... off to work i go :)

how sweet the sound...

well tonight marked my first show in nashville. i have missed going to shows so much! the last one was... the rocket summer over a month ago so i have been anxious to go to one. i had purchased my ticket a couple days before i left for tennessee, so i've been excited for tonight for a while now. i ventured over to rocketown after work today, and got lost for about 20 minutes, but found my way there eventually :) it was good that i got lost because i got there over an hour before any of the bands started.
tonight's lineup consisted of as cities burn, the chariot, mewithoutyou and underoath. i was the most excited to see as cities burn (this marks my third time!). they began the night with a prayer, which was nice and i had never seen done before, i don't think... but then i began to move my way into the crowd and moved towards the stage thinking that the chariot was going to start because they had banners everywhere but then the song that started was "wake dead man, wake" and i jumped up as as cities burn played. they never are bad live, sadly they didn't play my favorite song (the last one on the cd) but they did play a good set :) my old roommate would be proud, by the middle of their set i was a couple feet from the front of the stage (normally i avoid large crowds). there was a very different feel to this crowd compared to your average la crowd. they were nice, though in the end people were pushing, stage diving and hardcore dancing... but they did this all in a polite manner of having fun whereas some scene kids in hollywood would go just to push kids... not sure if this makes sense but i felt much more comfortable in the front of this crowd than i have at any other show that i had been to.
anyways, as cities burn finished... (i can't wait until they headline... i just want to see them play a full set!) and the chariot was next. since i wanted to avoid a broken neck or knocked out teeth i left my place in the crowd and purchased the poster from the event which benefitted an organization called "invisible children" which has an awesome cause and i am so glad underoath had it on their heart to work with them.
the chariot was next and they were good. though a little harder than my normal taste in music, they were great at what they did. and the crowd was insane to watch! i now have a huge crush on the lead singer... he's adorable and has a STRONG southern accent :) hehehe. anyways, next was mewithoutyou and i'm not a big mewithoutyou fan, so i just watched.
finally underoath was up. they came out and blew me away. this is my 4th time seeing them and it was one of the better shows i had seen them play. they played some new songs, which were good and then some of the favorites. :)
most of the bands all talked about their faith tonight which is always good to hear and i had heard before from most of them, but tonight i felt was a little different. not sure exactly why, but you could feel the presence of God in the room (well i did) and it was a good reassuring feeling for me personally. it reminded me of why i moved out here in the first place. well underoath closed with spencer talking about his faith as i had seen him done before, but when they played their closing song they finished it and continued to play a metalesque instrumental and then began some more screaming. perhaps it was a new song or maybe it was improv, but regardless you could see who they were singing for and it was beautiful. i guess i really got caught up in it all :)
but the night didn't end there... one of the guys from mewithoutyou came out on stage with an acoustic guitar and the guys from underoath just fell to their knees and everyone in the room sang "amazing grace." no words can describe how amazing it was.
in the end, it was hard for me to be at that show by myself. loneliness comes with new places i guess and i know i will eventually find people who enjoy the same things i do and will maybe go to a show to me once in a while. but when it all ended i realized once again why i moved and knew that all i need is patience and faith and all will be provided :)

2005: a great year for my ipod

my top 10 of the year:

honorable mention: youth group - skeleton jar and armor for sleep - what to do when you are dead

10) jonathan rice - trouble is real
i know you are asking, who the heck is this? all i have to say is listen to "mid-november"
9) franz ferdinand - you could have it so much better
i know what you're thinking, the last cd was horrible, but this cd is freaking amazing...
8) coldplay - x&y
they are coldplay...
7) death cab for cutie - plans
they had me with the first song
6) ben folds - songs for silverman
though i bought this cd a few months ago, i have a new found obsession for this man
5) acceptance - phantoms
i believe this is most underrated album of the year... stupid columbia/sony/bmg they need to learn to spend their money on good music as opposed to payola for crappy music.
4) as cities burn - son, i loved you at your darkest
OMG, so good.
3) sherwood - sing, but keep going
seriously, this cd is beautiful. they are amazing live but this cd is just one of those simple, down to earth, i am content type cds that will make you want to smile
2) mae - the everglow
life packaged into a cute little disc that makes me cry everytime it ends...
1) thrice - vheissu
if an amazing piece of art could suck the feeling out of people and cram itself into a compact disc to convey the beauty of everything, this would be it :) which is why it slowly edged out mae for being my favorite cd of the year. mae put life into a cd but thrice took it to a new level.

yes, i know... pretty shallow of a list, there are millions more cds that i want to purchase that are supposedly the best, but these ones i bought and love with all my heart :) besides, it's my list... go make your own :)

a strange dream...

this dream is like part two in a series of strange recurring ones...
i was at disneyland with my family, though it looked nothing like disneyland, it was disneyland and we were walking around. little by little we all were getting separated, some people wanted to go on a specific ride while others wanted to venture off. after a while i was by myself walking around admiring the scenery and there was someone up ahead of me that i knew and wanted to talk to, but didn't want to talk to (not sure if this makes any sense). so i proceed to walk normally and i pass this person and we look straight at eachother and i continue to pass. since i am ahead of this person i continue to glance back every once in a while to check the location and then i loose track of the person... and then i bump into a group of people from school in what seems to be a school hallway and i am constantly distracted as i am talking with some friends, hoping that my path crosses with that person again. i then begin to frantically search and end up in an empty room where a song was blasting and i wake up...
i had a dream at least a month ago with the same feeling except i was at church and i look at it as me trying to come off more "Godly" than i really am and there was someone in the back who i was almost trying to impress... maybe, not sure. but it was another strange type cloudy dream...

i don't know, but i felt like typing it all out to maybe obtain some clarity from the craziness that goes through my head as i sleep :)

kudos to mr. folds

so this past weekend when i went on my shopping binge to purchase christmas gifts i decided to be a little selfish and get myself something. so i went to circuit city to get "a charlie brown christmas" but instead purchased "mean girls" (hehehe, i love that movie!) and a ben folds dvd. (i never ended up finding the charlie brown christmas dvd...) i've never been a big big ben folds person (i know he has a die hard following, kind of like phish but maybe not so radical) anyways, something told me that this would be a good purchase. i enjoyed his most recent cd and feel that as i progress in age (gosh, that makes me sound old... i turn 22 in SEVEN DAYS!!! hehe) i appreciate more and more simple piano rock. but the one thing that affirmed why i needed to make this purchase -- it was ben folds performing with a full symphonic orchestra! i know i get excited over the dumbest things but just the thought of it sounded beautiful. so i bought it came home and popped it straight into my dvd player.
let me just say that this eighty minute performance was amazing! there were no songs off the new album so i only knew a few but all in all it made me appreciate the man so much more. (who is also i believe a nashville native or at least lived here for a while)
sooo, i cannot believe i just blogged about the ben folds dvd... but i guess, in the end i love music and this year has been a great one for music and to end the year with what will probably be my last music related purchase of the year, i must say it was a great way to end 2005 :)

i highly recommend this dvd :)

¿estoy esperando qué?

well, i hope that title is in correct form... my spanish has gotten so bad since i haven't spoken much in over a year :(
anyways for you non spanish speakers, ¿estoy esperando qué? means essentially, i am waiting for what?
not sure how this subject just popped in my head, my mind is supposed to be relaxed after doing a half hour of yoga, but it's been on my mind lately i guess. and in no specific area in my life, but i feel like a lot of people have the "i will do it tomorrow" attitude when there is no promise of tomorrow... as cities burn has a song that quotes, "but what good is the whole world
when i promise no tomorrow." that is a good question they have brought.
however this carpe diem attitude doesn't come as something i can order at amazon.com or even bid for on ebay, so where does this motivation come from. i had a high school teacher say that there always comes a point where the decision is made. you could be sleeping and hitting snooze, but there is that ONE point where you throw the covers on the other side of the bed and you command your body to get up and start the day... that decision was made to do something. but what if you do something and are left hanging? what if you feel the consequences, whether good or bad, never will come? well, i guess that's where my impatience comes to play. i feel that things never happen according to my watch, but really if things did happen the way i wanted it, then i may be worse off. this all leads to a problem that i have. that of trust. for most of my life i've always been the one who wants to be in control of my life. for example, i had a friend in college who refused to put an antivirus program on his computer. i asked, why? he said that he knew of every thing that came on to his computer and felt he had no need for this added assistance. which is understandable, he is very knowledgable with computers but still, what if something were to just sneak in? that to me was how i was with my life. then of course i found God and well, i added the antivirus program into my life and am here now. sometimes i don't do my recommended antivirus scan and feel that i am 'in control' of things when in all reality i should rely on outside help to guide me along a path that i may not be able to navigate myself. i am stubborn and rarely ask for help, i never delegate and have a hard time trusting. anyways, i guess this brings me back to my initial question. what am i waiting for?

long drive home...

today it rained all day, which is fine. i appreciate when the clouds feel the need to nourish the land below with little drops that add up to so much more than what they are during their initial fall.
as i drove home from another day at work anticipating my salad for dinner :) i couldn't help but look out to the horizon and truly appreciate the beauty of well... everything. it looked like a painting had come to life. there were bare trees whose leaves fell victim to the autumn season with a backdrop of several layers of grey clouds all a different shade of grey with some fog mixed in between along with the lighting of a setting sun beyond the clouds. it was surreal.
but also on my drive i had a conversation with God. i pray everyday and all but rarely do i have these types of "God is sitting in my passenger seat" type talks. today i felt that i needed it. there is always so much that clouds my mind that there come these points where, like raindrops, my thoughts need to leave my mind, one by one as each drop falls.
the past year has been an extreme roller coaster only to climax with my recent move to tennessee where i did something i had never done before. made a detailed plan. of course i planned things like where i would live and saved up some money, but truly i didn't plan. what if i don't get a job, you know? but things fell so perfectly into place in preparing for the move that i know this is where i am supposed to be. i feel like i write about this like every other entry... anyways, recently i feel as if some more puzzle pieces came into my life that were not planned for and i didn't know what to think of it, so i felt like talking to God.
also recently, i have been questioning a lot my approach to relationships. i have good friends but, i also lost some good friends because of my addition to being busy. over the years i always was the first one to volunteer or join a group or whatnot and i feel like unconsciously i did it on purpose just so i wouldn't have to deal with things... but consequentially i lost some of those friendships. i have been working on being better at balancing but did i begin to make the change too late? i know this probably doesn't make any sense because i am only touching the tip of my thought process, so i apologize.
needless to say, it was a good conversation and i should have more of them.

lessons of a california girl living in the south, part 1

i am going to begin a series of my life lessons only learned by someone who made a drastic change in life. not that i am not enjoying my new home or anything, but i think it will be good for me to laugh at my self in the future when i realize how naive i was in the beginning... i hope you enjoy the series as much as i do :)

lesson 1
this morning i woke up to ice on my windshield... this has happened to me before, it got below freezing in victorville while having to go to high school at 6:30 am. but this was different, it was sooo thick and wouldn't come off!!! but that is not my lesson... well, i was pouring cold water onto my windshield to see if it would help... (i have been told that hot water would shatter the glass if i were to pour it on). i pour the water and then look at the water bottle and the top layer of water in the bottle was frozen! never in my life before have i ever seen water freeze instantly like that... it was miraculous but frustrating at the same time (i still had a frozen windshield). so that is what i learned today, that it can actually be cold enough for water to freeze instantly.

thoughts on southern living...

well i am now a resident of franklin, tennessee. who knew this is where i would end up? well i am here and let's review the exciting adventures of nicole in her new land of nashville...
the drive
well the drive... the i-40 was long and long and long. i am not a fan of amarillo, texas and the one lesson i learned from it all... if you are booking a hotel at a best western always pay the $84 don't ever go for the $54 option... the $30 is very worth it :) it was good to spend time with dad though and i must say the highlight of the trip was our visit to the clinton presidential library in little rock, arkansas. very inspiring. i wish bill could be the dictator of the us :) hehe. but on monday november 21st we arrived in tennessee!
the first week
the first week was crazy busy, as any first week would be when moving across the country. i met the roommates who are super cool (i know karina is reading this...) hehehe. but they really are nice, they've helped me navigate this foreign land and somehow i am able to find my way back every day! i took my dad to the airport and bid farewell :( i also got a part time job at a very high end store and in my first week there both donna summer and faith hill came in. but there was a low point to my week. on saturday, november 26th, just five days into my new life in franklin i was driving and out of nowhere this deer comes and i hit it with my car. i killed a deer and got a huge dent in my car... sad times. let us take a moment of silence for that poor deer...
the second week
the second week was an improvement as i began to understand where everything was. but i have developed a phobia. the fear of driving in the dark! because of the events of the previous week with the deer, i am horrified to drive at night! but i have managed to make it out past dusk (since the sun sets at like 4:30pm) a few times. there was some talk of snow but it never happened and... IT IS SOOO COLD HERE. it is cold in california some times but then you can always count on the next day to be warm, not here... it's a constant stream of COLD. so i bought a new jacket :)
the present week
up i started week 3 yesterday and so far so good. i did get lost driving around downtown today to find a club to see a band, but it didn't work out... this may be a good thing as a source has told me that "you can get an std just walking into that club" sooo, i will hold out on going to a show until next week :) i did start an experiment today... i posted an ad to potentially find some friends (i know this sounds desperate, but it's not like college where i can find a friend by walking up dorm row) and well, the responses have been very interesting... i will probably write a blog solely on my findings from my posted ad...
upcoming events
well the end of the year is coming (and so is my 22nd bday, cough*cough 2 weeks!!!) and next week i will be seeing underoath with as cities burn (to benefit invisible children!!!) and a couple weeks after i will be going to chicago to see my good friend kendra. sooooo things are getting better and i am slowly finding my place in this strange land... tomorrow i will find out the cost of my damages to my car... so pray for me :)

that is the middle-tennessee update from the perspective of a native californian... expect many more updates!