nicole's back catalog appreciation

so my mom has been convinced for the past like 4 years or whatever that i am supposed to marry john mayer. yes, the singer who's dated jennifer love hewitt and many other famous women. mom told me she was going to write him a letter as to why he should date me, and i wouldn't put it past her to do it. she assumed that since i interned for an indie label that somehow i would cross paths with the major label recording artist that i was destined to spend my life with.
anyways, i have always been a fan of the man but never thought he was the love of my life or anything (not like when i was obsessed with those boy band boys back in high school.. hehe). but today i pulled out my old john mayer cds and listened to them.
the man is amazing. "3x5" is still one of my all time favorite songs. but it was just good for my day off.
so i would like to share my appreciation for the man who my mom thinks i should marry, john mayer. hehe :)

craft time: my big project :)

so for a couple weeks i worked on a new bag. the stitching is pretty bad (i am not good at hand sewing) but regardless i love my bag. here are some pictures:



isn't it fun?

next project: painting on a shirt and paint on something else :) oh and a crocheted scarf!

what would aliens think?

in either blue like jazz or searching for God knows what donald miller brings out an interesting thought. what if an alien came to earth and watched tv and just observed our culture? well tonight while watching the bachelor i couldn't help but wonder the same thing. yes, love was blossoming but also a heart was shattered. yes i know, they all signed up for it and knew it was coming but what baffles me is the fact that there was an opportunity for them to sign up. then again, who am i to argue? i watch just as much bad tv as the next person, but still i can't help but imagine what someone unfamiliar with the earth would think of our world.
this all comes to some of my recent epiphanies. (this is what happens when you stand around and fold clothes all day, i have time to think...) first is that i spend so much time trying to figure life out. honestly, where is this getting me? i think i will spend my entire life following this unreachable goal and before i know it, life will be over? but, it is just too hard to let it all go and just accept that i won't ever be able to completely comprehend the ways of the world. i know for a fact that there is a higher being out there, i believe in God and Jesus and i know that my life has been so blessed that there cannot not be them out there working for me and everyone else, you know? but in this world that we live in, i feel that, well at least for me, that i have been taught to always question more. i am a very argumentive person, i love a good debate and always want to learn more, but this is dangerous because you can't question faith, it is just something that is there.
i am learning (while reading waking the dead by john eldridge) that my heart and mind are two separate things and what is in my heart is important. people say your mind is reason and your heart is emotion, but really my heart is more than emotion. it's complicated to explain, but interesting to read about (i recommend the book).
moving on, today's big epiphany while walking around the department ready to pass out from sleepiness was that life really is all about the risk you take. just think about it, anything that has been truly rewarding, wasn't there some sort of leap you had to take for it? but then why are we so scared to take those leaps of faith? how can we overcome the initial fear to then sow the rewards of our accomplishment of not only taking the leap but a leap of faith? have i become so enamored with the idea of instant gratification as being the better option over patience? do i want to stay on ths side of the road and not go to the other side for fear of getting hurt in the process?
in one of my last couple blogs i posted a tile that i painted with a cs lewis quote where he says, "unsatisfied desire is in itself more desirable than any other satisfaction." but it's also scarier than anything else, well at least for me it is. i want to be satisfied with what i am doing, but i never want to be satiated because then there will be nothing left. the irony.
so i sit here and write my blog on life and its workings and am now more confused than when i started. have i accomplished anything by writing this? no. am i satisfied now that these words spilled out onto my keyboard? no. which will lead me to continue my pursuit of understanding what the heck is going on, but understanding it with the understanding that i just may never know, but really should just enjoy the process.

just what i needed

so tonight after a long day at work went over to nashville to go see a band that i just adore!
mae was playing with lovedrug at the exit/in tonight! i had seen mae about 2 years ago (before the amazing the everglow was released) and it was one of the best shows i had been to. so of course i am assuming that tonight will be great!
my assumption was beyond correct :)
it was what i needed today. it was like a reassuring hug, strange, but yes, that is what it was.
there was one song that i have always loved but it was like i heard it for the first time tonight. the song is called "giving it away" and when he sang:
by the way you brought me here,
it makes believe the best is yet to come and i don't want to leave
forgive my hesitation but i'm learning to trust in you
help me to dream these dreams because i don't have a clue
i just thought to myself, how cool is that? that is what i needed to hear and it slapped me in the face, it was awesome :)

new ongoing project: tiles

for valentine's day the roommates and i went to go paint pottery. after a few minutes of trying to figure out what i would paint i opted for a 6"x6" tile and wanted to put a quote on it. here is the finished project! i love it and am excited to create a new quote tile each time :)

p.s. i absolutely love the quote :)

in possession of the key to my prison door

i am bound and shackeled in a dark scary enclosed place, the walls are solid and the light is limited. my mind is consumed with thoughts about getting out and what i would do once i achieve this...
in my hands i have the key that opens my prison door and yet refuse to do so.
as i progress through the book of numbers and read about the israelites and how they viewed life back in egypt, as slaves, better than moving through the desert under the guidance of God i can't help but realize that i too view life as a slave in egypt as being better (not literally, but you know what i mean...) i am scared of change, i am scared of things that are different, i am scared of letting people get to close and i am horrified of actually being happy.
i say this because i am a slave to many things. i am enslaved by money and controlled by society. i have been so stressed over STUPID things lately that i have become a slave to them, to my thoughts. i stress over the petty as opposed to being grateful for the amazing things in life. i packed my bags and moved to tennessee because i felt called by God, but now that i am here i question whether i should have moved in the first place and think, sometimes, that life would be better if i were back (in egypt) or california enslaved by the sadness that consumed me there.
i don't know why i am comparing my life to the israelites, there are many differences but i am slowly realizing how much of a prisioner i am and also realizing how i can control my own freedom just by releasing the petty things that consume me.

wednesday's thoughts on the smile

today i found myself falling into a gross mood (i blame the weather... hehe) so i forced myself to remember something funny and just laugh it off. it kind of worked. then i thought about how many missed opportunities to smile there are!
here are some smiling facts:

• A smile is a universal expression of happiness and recognised as such by all cultures
  
  
• A smile is the most frequently used facial expression It takes as few as five pairs of facial muscles and as many as all 53 to smile
  
  
• Regardless of the precise number of muscles used, smiling causes far fewer muscles to contract and expand than frowning
  
  
• Smiling releases endorphins and makes us feel better
  
  
• Even ‘faking’ a smile can lead to feeling happier
  
  
• People are born with the ability to smile (They don’t copy the expression, even babies who are born blind, smile)
  
  
• Babies reserve special smiles (Duchenne smiles of joy and happiness) for their loved ones
  
  
• A newborn shows a preference for a smiling face over a non-smiling face
  
  
• Women smile more than men
  
  
• Younger people smile more than older American males with high testosterone smile least of all
  
  
• There are 18 different kinds of smile used in a variety of social situations
  
  
• Human beings can differentiate between the ‘felt’ (Duchenne) smile (of joy and happiness) and the social smile – ‘it’s in the eyes’ (literally)
  
  
• A smiling person is judged to be more pleasant, attractive, sincere, sociable, and competent than a non-smiling person
  
  
• A person who studies laughter is called a ‘gelotologist’

(taken from here)

smiling is awesome i recommend you do it :)

so selfish it's funny

looking out for number one, i'm all that i have and all that i see,
saved by the grace of the Son,
so shall we deny?
and rot as we die?
as i write a book about me,
my noble wealth of serving myself,
i am so selfish it's funny
-showbread

this song is amazing and reminds me a lot of one of my favorite books by cs lewis "till we have faces." the theme in my life this week is realizing how selfish i truly am. i was reading last night in the book of numbers and moses had already saved people from slavery by taking them from egypt under the guidance of God, but these people were so ungrateful! they would get angry with God because they didn't have meat or something, they would worship a golden cow when they felt like God had abandonded them. they were horribly impatient and wanted everything to be given to them by God. they were his choosen people so they felt they deserved they needed to be revered as opposed to them loving and respecting the God that saved them. i thought to myself, i am doing the exact same thing right now. as i had mentioned previously, God has been in the driver seat in my life for a little while now and well, i am sitting in the passenger seat whining and being impatient cause i feel that i can get us to the destination faster. when in all reality, God probably has the best directions... it's amazing though how many blessings i forget each day and how many stresses i focus on. the blessings HIGHLY outweigh the opposite.
so my goal for this week is to focus more on my blessings and less on the opposite. i will report back next tuesday to let you know how it goes...

four

got this from aj :)

Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Retail - JC Penney right now and Ralph Lauren shoes like 4 years ago... Never a fun time :)
2. Everything at Pepperdine: Student Government VP (yes, I got paid for it), I gave tours of the university, worked in the career center and um... oh yes, programming board (the best job ever! well i at least got to chase a dream)
3. Internship: Hopeless and Sub City Records - too much fun
4. Legal Assistant: the worst job I have ever had, I worked on divorce cases for 40+ hours a week...

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Zoolander
2. Napoleon Dynamite
3. The Wedding Planner
4. Ice Age

Four places I’ve lived:
1. El Monte, California: From age like 2 til 10ish. Don't really remember much...
2. Victorville, California: Doesn't the name say it all? hehehe. Truck stop town on the way to Vegas.
3. Buenos Aires, Argentina: For 3 months.. 3 CRAZY months...
4. Malibu, California: Yea, it sounds cool... but I was ready to leave when it was over :) (I went to school there)

Four TV shows I love:
1. Extreme Makeover - Home Edition
2. Project Runway
3. Anderson Cooper 360
4. Injustice

Four places I’ve vacationed:
1. Maui, Hawaii: High School Graduation present :)
2. All over Argentina: North, South, East and West.. I did go to the Southern most point of South America... (super close to Antartica)
3. New Jersey: I got to see Thursday! And hang out with an old roommate and see my bro graduate from Coast Guard bootcamp.
4. Vegas (what happens there, stays there...) :)

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Pizza with spinach and mushrooms!
2. Pasta with pesto
3. Sushi
4. Black bean salad

Four albums I can't live without: (right now... it could change tomorrow)
1. "Remember the Memories" by The Lyndsay Diaries
2. "Blue Skies, Broken Hearts, Next Twelve Exits" by The Ataris
3. "Sing, But Keep Going" by Sherwood
4. "Hit Parade" (Greatest Hits) by Audio Adrenaline or "I Wish We All Could Win" by The Afters

I would agree with AJ on this one when she says "This question is so not fair to any music lover... I can’t imagine life without at least 20 more albums."

Four sites I visit almost daily:
1. BBC News
2. Punknews.org
3. Craigslist (still looking for a job)
4. Myspace (yes,

Four places I would rather be now:
1. I don't know if I want to answer this, I would start crying thinking about it... I pass
2.
3.
4.

Four items in my purse
1. My wallet
2. Calendar
3. Notebook
4. Glasses Case

this probably won't make any sense...

i've never been a fan of losing control of something. it's just not what i do. for the years before i became a Christian, i depended on myself for everything. burned by friends and stuff i became very independent and wanted the help of no one. so when one lives so long under a certain mindset it is easy to go back to it once you have changed... it's like being an addict only to fall into a relapse because it is too easy.
well i have given God the keys to the car for a little bit and now i am bugging him (like an annoying passenger) to drive. i guess i am scared He will get me lost or something (which is stupid) but i just feel that if i were in control maybe things would be a little more clear now.
but do i really want to get what i ask for? NO. things have always been better when i let go of the control over my life... so then why do i keep reverting back to my old ways and want control?
oh life is so complicated...

i know i need to write, but not sure what about...

last night was rediculous. ok, let me preface it with the facts:
- i worked from 9-5 wednesday, thursday and friday
- on both wed and thursday had things after work until about 10pm.
- thursday night i had a good conversation with a friend on the phone until 2am
- i was EXHAUSTED (yes, i know it's my own fault)
but, i have the entire weekend off! soooo, i was so excited for a great night of rest. i get ready for bed on friday and can't fall asleep like i had hoped. it took a while. then i wake up at like 2:30am and am pretty awake, i wasn't cold or anything, i just couldn't sleep. so about a half hour later i fall asleep. then at 5:00am i wake up! and this time i am WIDE AWAKE and frustrated. i got up to see if the weather had actually predicted correctly that we would have snow, and we do! so about 45min to an hour later i finally am able to fall back asleep. BUT 7:30am decides to roll around and i am up. so i read a little and took a shower.
there are probably several things that contributed to my sleep deprivation. one of my roommates had suggested that i should have blogged last night because i was fairly distraught after the episode of injustice.
i absolutely love this show, it's beautiful and i hope it goes on for another season... anyways, last night's topic was on the death penalty which is one topic that i am severely passionate about. because to me it is the ultimate human rights violation, but that is another subject and i could argue for hours on it, so i will leave it there. but for all the previous episodes of injustice the national justice project has succeeded and in last night's episode they didn't. a man died though he didn't commit the crime! i was crying and crying. i was doing my best to hold it in, but this man died. i understand it's a television show but i can't distinguish the difference sometimes, i get very emotionally involved in shows. so i was quiet for like 10 minutes and just pissed. because it happens! people die every day from injustices that they cannot control, whether that be from the death penalty to starvation. maybe i should have blogged last night to get this off my mind.
but before i went to bed, i was reading through the bible and a quote just slapped me in the face and kicked me in the shins last night. i had to re-read it like 5 times. i am reading through mark right now and Jesus says, "whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours" (mark 11:24 niv). how beautiful is that? i have been asking for a lot in prayer recently, probably too much. in the past week i've had to stop myself cause i felt like my prayers became selfish. i began to ask for things that probably were not in my best interest and i thought to myself there are so many people who would argue against this quote. but i would argue for it. here is why... if we truly believed then wouldn't we satisfied with all that we already have? so the unselfish prayer that we are to pray would be answered. not sure if that makes any sense, but it does to me. sure there are millions of people who would be like, 'well, i haven't won the lottery'; 'i am getting divorced'; 'my kids are disobedient'; etc. but i am learning that instant gratification doesn't come from God, it's not His style of work. our prayers are answered, but in ways we do not expect and if we can see the light through the dark lenses we like to view the world in, then i believe that is when we believe that our prayers have been heard and granted.
- - - - - -
on another note, it's snowing and it's cold... but IT'S AWESOME. i am so glad i don't have to work today because then i do not have to dread the snow! expect pictures of me playing in it later :)

life is like a battlefield...

my college entrance essay was about the first time i ever went driving. i had taken the classes and was ready to pass to the next level which would ultimately give me my key to freedom, my license. i got my permit but to validate it i had to go on my first training course with my instructor. we began that saturday morning in a parking lot of puesta del sol elementary school. i drove around and around, excited and horrified all at the same time (never a good state of mind while driving...) and then something didn't click in my head and i confused the pedals (i was 15 and had never been behind the wheel before!)... needless to say, i freaked out and floored the gas pedal and meanwhile my instructor is pressing on her break pedal like her life depended on it and before i could kill us the car had stopped and i began to bawl... my instructor got out of the vehicle to observe the damage. the verdict, the front left wheel was completely blown and the rim dented and who knows what else i did. it was the worst! i NEVER wanted to drive again, EVER! and you know what she did??? she called the driving school and had them bring another car for me to drive. WHAT THE HECK? did i need to ruin another car? why send another victim? well i did drive that day, though i didn't want to and as you know now, i do drive. so my irrational quick decision to give up my "freedom" immediately because something went wrong was short-lived.
i make a lot of stupid irrational quick decisions like that of not ever wanting to drive again. and the past couple weeks i have been doing the same thing. on sunday at church i began to cry while our pastor was praying for us who felt discouraged. i have hit some low points recently and wanted to just give up on my dreams because i thought i had failed. you see, that's exactly what i thought when i wrecked that car back when i was 15, i thought i had failed my instructor as a potential driver... but she didn't think that or she wouldn't have had another car come. she believed that i could overcome that obstacle.
i think God works in the same way. we wreck a lot of cars everyday in our lives, but God always provides another one and even better, He believes that we can become better drivers...

today was a much better day, i woke up this morning and read over ephesians 6 (the armor of God) as someone had told me to do to remind myself of how i can fight the evils in my life. of course there were crazy people at work today (but none like in my last post, hehe). and there were times where i felt like i am on a dead end road but i am doing what i can to not look at it like that but more like climbing a hill and just not being able to see the other side yet...

looking back to that day i was in extreme turmoil... but what can seem bad may turn out good... that experience got me into college :)

why am i awake still?

it's 1:34am and i am still awake. i have to be up in like 7 hours to go to church and then work until 8:30pm, booo.
a random story from today (only at jcpenney)... a girl walks into the store, comes to the front of the register, looks straight at me and says, "jc penney is closing" and says it like i just took away her source of life or something. she said it with such disdain and anger. i looked at her and said "no, we're not closing. the one in hickory hollow closed." she said, "oh" and her mom grabbed her hand and they walked away... who does that?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
today i started a new craft project that is going to take a while... so don't expect pictures anytime soon...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
things have been difficult lately. God is really teaching me how to be patient, rather, telling me that i need to patient while i whine and complain in my head asking WHY HAVE I NOT CHANGED THE WORLD YET? why do i question? in the end i am going to be like God, i am a dork, i apologize for being stupid... but i guess the cool thing is that he will say it's ok... :)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
people appear when you need them most... really, they do.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
good night

the juliana theory (1997-2006)

It's a very sad moment for us. The time has come to say goodbye. This letter is the explanation and the official seal that the 5 individuals who have been known as The Juliana Theory are leaving the band behind. Yes, what we are saying is that we are broke up. There will be no final tour. Our last show was in Cologne, Germany on January 28, 2006.
(thejulianatheory.net)



emotion is dead was released years ago, but i remember falling in love with it my freshman year in college. there is just something so cool about the song "we're at the top of the world" and there are very few songs that could describe a horrible friendship that i had gotten out of like "if i told you this was killing me, would you stop?" i don't remember if i had seen them live. they had gone through tons of line up changes and released other albums. but none as great as emotion is dead.
today they broke up, i knew it was inevitable. but i wanted to take a moment to remember the awesomeness of a great album and a great band.

the juliana theory... rip

thoughts on the grammys

so norma jean didn't win for best packaging. that really was the only category i cared for. yea, i wanted fall out boy to win best new artist, but i knew it wouldn't happen... kelly clarkson is my hero and i have a new crush on john legend, the man is amazing with the piano. kanye west looked like he wanted to be the child of elvis and michael jackson and madonna looked like she was 22 years old. people wore clothes that probably cost more than my college tuition (4 years of it...) and then there were the awards. green day did take another, though i think "gold digger" was a better song than "boulevard of broken dreams."
it was fun to watch in the company of fun people and the award for best commercial would have to (hands down) go to yahoo music for their 8-bit cartoon with gwen and pharrell singing while the octopus dances, it doesn't get much better than that.
but in the end, norma jean didn't win for their artwork on o God, the aftermath... maybe at the dove awards? they are nominated for the same category, but... they are up against mae for the everglow. thoughts?

PAULcast - what would paul write or say to us today?

having just finished "searching for God know's what" by donald miller, i can't help but repeat a question he left me with towards the end. if paul were to write a letter to us today, what would he write?
i think paul would do a podcast, something that reaches the masses or perhaps a public speaking tour, mass email or something? i feel that he would be so convicted to tell us what God had put on his heart that he would do all of the above...
but how would he look at us?
would he "not [stop] giving thanks for [us]" (ephesians 1:16 niv) because of our faith? or would he write to us as he did the people of galatia and say that "[he] is astonished that [we] are so quickly deserting the one who called [us] by grace of Christ" (galatians 1:6 niv)?
we, meaning, citizens of the earth that was created by God... not just the united states, the western hemisphere or whatnot, but we being christians on earth. if paul could write a letter to us i feel he would be unfavorable but would begin praising God for His faith and love for His people. being human we are not perfect and paul would humble us, don't you think? we live in a world that is all about power and winning and being the better person, to accept any constructive criticism we would have to be knocked down and rehumanize ourselves to understand the full concept of what this man would try to teach us, rather what God would want to teach us through his words.
i feel paul would mention part of what he wrote to the romans regarding judgment. "you, therefore have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. so when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will esacape God's judgment? or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?" (romans 2:1-4 niv). we all judge, some more than others. we begin this at an early age, remember in kindergarten, there was always the smelly kid? the cute one, the funny one, the one who couldn't speak english and the one who didn't talk at all? we are created to notice differences and then judge upon them. we strive to be as far away from the wallflower or nerd as possible, so we begin to judge. this trait just grows as we progress through school and life. i feel paul would ask, would you want to become a part of a group that judges sins and differences and urges you to conform? i know that this is not what christianity is all about, but from the outside looking in, it can come off that way... i know that Jesus doesn't teach us to judge against sinners, but answer this for me... would you be friends with someone who was pregnant and not married, lied, gossiped, was gay, had an affair, was a different race, was poor, was rich, had an abortion, had aids, was a democrat, was a republican, was a communist, etc. (the list goes on). i'm sure at least one of those makes you uncomfortable, and it's not your fault... but we judge, it's engrained in our heads and it's like a horrible pimple that won't go away...
if we were more accepting of one another, wouldn't the world just work more smoothly?
paul says in his first letter to the corinthians, "when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears" (1 corinthians 13:10 niv). these six words amaze me. because we as humans are imperfect and we strive to be perfect but i feel as if our definition of perfect is becoming what it shouldn't be and withering away like the pedals on a rose after it has been cut from its source of life. perfect can be looking beautiful, being the best athlete, being great at an instrument or just simply living for God. which do you think gets overlooked more often?
i feel paul would conclude urging the christians of the world we live in today to really stop and listen to what God is telling us, what we are working so hard to quiet in our hearts and minds. we are so busy trying to prove that we (as christians) are right that we leave so many people behind. for example, i may want to go to california and so may someone else. i can take a plane but they may feel more inclined to drive, in the end don't we both end up in california? what i am trying to say is that not everyone sees the world the way i do, why would i force them to believe something i do the way that i do? it's impossible. but who knows what would happen if we decide to go on a road trip? "the body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. so it is with Christ. for we were all baptized by one spirit into one body-whether Jews or Grees, slave or free-and we were all given the one Spirit to drink" (1 corinthians 12:12-13 niv). we are all to "be completely humle and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. make every effor to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace" (ephesians 4:2-3 niv).
the world is a tough place and as my roommate had mentioned tonight, it's not cool to be christian. who the heck cares if it's cool? if we try to make it cool then the people who are looking for it will probably turn away.

and i know for a FACT that i am no where near perfect and i fall a lot. but in the end, i have NO CLUE what paul would write to the world. and in no way is my assumption of what he would write based on hours of research... i don't know the bible well enough to have used the best excerpts to prove my point. all i am saying is that, in reaction to the question that donald miller placed into my head while reading his book, i used to be a non-christian who looked at christians like they were crazy people who didn't practice what they preached and brought hurt into lives, including mine. christianity doesn't need to be popular, but rather just reach out to those who were as lost as i was just a few years ago.

craft time! the sequel

i know you are eagerly awaiting the revealing of my decoupage creation... well, wait no more! i have pictures of my completed piece of art :) hehehe.
first, this is what it looked like after i painted it:



pretty! but wait, it gets cooler. then i put many of the past couple years of ticket stubs on there and put tons and tons of glue over it...



the cool thing about this project is that it brought back a million great memories. each show was unique and it was just great to think abou the fun times during college. but then it also reminded me of how much money i spent too... (but, some of them were free... :))

but, the artwork doesn't end there. i was in the mood for a new tote bag, so i went to michael's and got one and did this to it:



no, they're not starfish :) i did a crazy collage of flowers, to get into the spring mood i guess. :)

and when i get paid this weekend, i am going to work on another bag, with an idea given to me by one of my old roommates. i am so excited!

i stopped dating the church...

today i stopped dating the church. for years i have led a life of promiscuity and confusion when it comes to choosing a body of people to belong to in following Christ.
well after much prayer and talking to people i had a revelation. basically God put it on my heart that i am where i need to be to serve and it was such an affirming feeling. so i have a church and i am so excited! :)
coincidentially, last night i began and finished "stop dating the church" by joshua harris which helped confirm my thoughts about joining a church. it's not about me and it never should have been about me.

2 years...

2 years since i got my nose pierced...

life - faith = fear

the youth minister who i worked with always would say "fear is the lack of faith." and i am beginning more and more to really think that.
i am fearful of stupid things like elevators and spiders but can i actually be fearful to actually let myself like something? i think for years i have taught myself that failure or disappointment was just a part of everything and to just expect that as opposed to really shooting for the stars. so where does this lead me? to disregard something that i like, that i really think is for me. and what do i do? i do what i can to find a flaw, i search and strive to find some sort of detail that detracts me from it.
so is fear really the lack of faith? i think so. when you fear, it's something that is unknown and it's isolating. which is an elevator to me. you're in a box in the middle of a building with no windows, horrible lighting and no actual knowledge of whether the computer operating this several ton hollow box will open when it is supposed to. it's kind of like when i fear anything. i trap myself in this box and really only faith can open the doors to something new, you know? if i have faith that the doors will open, if i have faith that Jesus will provide everything that i need, then why have fear?
i think satan tries to isolate us in these boxes because when we are alone, we become vulnerable and begin to believe anything to get us out of where we are at.
at first i didn't believe what he would say, but now i can see the truth in it...

move to nashville to talk to God...

this was sent to me by one of my roommates and is sooo funny:

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east
from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and
making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with
a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor
answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if
he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver,
Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Alabama. Upon entering a
church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign
read: "Calls: 25 cents"!

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have been
in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden
telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I
could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000
per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call--Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the South now, and
it's a local call."

audience participation required... this means you

question: how do you decipher what God put on your heart and what you put on your heart? you know? i think God is telling me something, but it could be me telling me something and disguising it, make sense?

thoughts?

i really should be asleep...

"God you gave me this heart, i was wondering if i could trade it in?"

"He says my burden is also His, but i don't want to put this on Him..."

both of these quotes come from possibly my favorite song of all time, "a self portrait" by the lyndsay diaries. today i've been addicted to listening to this band. who, you ask? a small (one-person) band that no longer exists. BUT the man behind it is doing solo shows in oklahoma and california and i am not there to see it :(
regardless i would have to give the man credit for creating my favorite album of all time. and today my ipod kept picking his songs on the random shuffle (i love letting God pick my playlist).
the whole cd represents vulnerability to me. what person would want to pour out their soul into lyrics to then be judged by the world? music baffles and amazes me at the same time and i wish all artists who are due credit would get it.

i am such a dork though (this is what i do... my extreme fan story, hehe). after discovering 'remember the memories' (his first cd) during my junior year in college (i think) i wrote the man a letter saying that the cd came to me at the most perfect time and had such an impact on me. a few weeks later, my roommate and i went to go to his show where there were like 10 people in this cafe and afterwards we were talking and he was like, "you're nicole, from pepperdine?" i was like "yea." and he did say that the card i sent was one of the nicest things :) so regardless of whether or not that was true, i think it is always great to show appreciation cause you never really know how much a person may be in search of affirmation :)