to: God@heaven.com

dear God,

hey. it's me nicole. i hope You're doing great up in heaven and all around. there is something that has been weighing down my heart and mind lately, God... i don't know how to approach this cause it's super hard for me to explain it to anyone, but i will try. i am tired of this thing called "religion," it makes me feel like i don't belong anywhere, especially in Your kingdom. i know what You're thinking, nicole... how many times must we talk about it? well i figure if You can forgive someone "seventy-seven times" then You can probably discuss the inner battle of choosing a religion a few times as well. also, You're probably the best person to discuss it with anyways, since churches are supposed to bring us closer to You. that's the thing though, they are supposed to bring us closer to You, but i don't feel that most of the time. i let these organizations get in the way of their said purpose which is to worship You. i feel like i get more out of worship when i am alone in my car driving through with beautiful scenery or like on those days, when i was at pepperdine, on days after it rained where the ocean was a blue that is indescribable along with crisp clean air; or even just when i sit at home and read my bible. there is no discomfort, no wondering if i am going to forget the words, no thinking of whether i should stand or sit, none of this... it's just me and You and Your Son. i understand that i need this building to help keep me accountable and feed me each week. i like to look at it as showers... like, we can do what we can to keep ourselves clean and everything, you know, with febreeze and face wipes, etc. but in the end we do need to take showers, just like in the end we do need to go to church if we ever really want to get that extra shine. cause i really do feel that surrounding myself with other people who want to be clean is a good thing, don't You? but then there are those deceitful salesmen who say that you can be clean without the shower and try to sell it to you in like a pill form or some sort of spray, but i think after it all we all just still need a simple shower. i don't know if that makes any sense to You but it's how i like to think of it :)
to try to conclude this letter, God, i just want to say that i apologize for letting this horrible debate take time away from me living my life for You. i shouldn't spend time dwelling on which church to call home, i think it's satan trying to consume my thoughts and i really am sorry for it. so i guess, i am just asking for clarity and patience for things to come. i know one day i will be lead to where i am supposed to be. thanks so much for your time, patience and understanding when it comes to a simple human such as myself.

love always, nicole

i know i say it alot

but seriously...

THE PEOPLE OUT HERE ARE SO NICE

that is all

i just read the best chapter of my life

i am presently reading "searching for God knows what" by donald miller and his chapter 'adam, eve and the alien: how the fall makes you feel?' and i am speechless. i put the book down and immediately went to blog on it.
i also read an amazing blog entry here both of these things deal with the same topic. why do we as humans do what we can to fit in? it's disgusting to me! and yet, i still try.

a child learns early there is a fashionable and an unfashionable in the world an ugly and a pretty, a valued and an unvalued. where this system comes from, God only knows, but it is rarely questioned, and thought completely illogical and agreed upon by everyone as evil, it remains in play, commanding our emotions as a possession. it isn't something taught to us by our parents; it is somethng that comes naturally, as though a radioactive kind of tragedy happened, screwing up our souls. (searching for God knows what)

we all have lived through it too. the first day of high school, you are immediately put into your social class and usually have no hope of transcending those boundaries. i was one of the fortunate few who were lucky enough climb the ladder as the years progressed. but for what? my friends in the "upper" level were worse than the friends who i left behind and i ended my time in high school wondering who the heck i was wanting to impress?

craft time!

sooo i got home last night and after a nice long discussion with my roommate karina i decided that i was feeling artsy. i had purchased some acrylic paint a few weeks ago with the intention of painting the flowerpot i had purchased to use as my magazine holder (it was a fun and cheap alternative to an actual magazine holder).
it took me a while to get my vision, but started out with the little flowerpot (which i use to hold makeup and stuff) and did this... what do you think it is?



well it's a sunset, kind of... there are some clouds too :) i like it...
then it was on to the big pot (the magazine holder). i had visioned a dove, but didn't know what to do and ended up with this:



it is surrounded by my favorite bible quote, "lead a life worthy of the calling you have received. be completely humbe and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (ephesians 4:1-2) and the crazy thing.. it fit perfectly around the ring!

lastly, i woke up this morning INSPIRED to decoupage my dozens of concert tickets to a board of some sort to hang up! sooo i went to home depot and bought a piece of wood and this is the beginning of it :



in a few days i will be sure to post a picture of the end product :)

my playlist

i saw this posted and thought it would be fun to fill out:

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs? 3849

Sort by artist:
First artist: The (International) Noise Conspiracy (I am thinking the parenthesis make it go first in alphabetical order, that's how it sorted..)
Last artist: Youth Group

Sort by song title:
First Song: ""It's Not a Side Effect of the Cocaine. I Am Thinking It Must Be Love"" by Fall Out Boy (I am thinking the quotation marks make it go first...)
Last Song: "Zak and Sara" by Ben Folds

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: 0:04- "Four Seconds of Noise" by Hot Hot Heat (I didn't count the blank song 0:00 from John Mayer)

Longest Song: 31:22 "Die for your Government (Live)" Anti-Flag

Sort by Album:
First Album: 40 Licks-Rolling Stones
Last Album: Young Lust; Aerosmith Anthology

First song that comes up on Shuffle: "The City Lights" by Umbrellas

How many songs come up when you search for "sex?": 4
How many songs come up when you search for "death?": 43
How many songs come up when you search for "love?": 174
How many songs come up when you search for "you?": 733
How many songs come up when you search for "why?": 7
How many songs come up when you search for "God?": 36
How many songs come up when you search for "crazy?": 2

lessons of a california girl living in the south, part 3: signs that i am becoming southern

yes, it's true. the more i live here the more i am becoming what i never thought would happen, a southerner. granted, i will never hang a confederate flag or go muddin' in the back pasture, but here are some signs that i am beginning to adapt to my surroundings:
1) i say 'sir' or 'ma'am' like 4,394,738,832 times a day: seriously, it's the thing to say. if not it shows a sign of disrespect...
2) i've hit a deer: i was told by shuttle driver to the airport that i am a true country girl now that i have achieved this goal... i wonder what he would have said had i taken it home?
3) i want a car that is bigger than what i have: after #2 i don't feel safe in my civic and actually am thinking in the future (distant, like full time job and security future) of actually purchasing a vehicle that may not be a hybrid, maybe even an suv (i can't believe i just admitted that).
4) music: my likes in music have dropped a lot of interest in dance rock and more into harder rock, i think the south has influenced this... this was confirmed when i went to see the pink spiders on friday and hated it but have enjoyed both he is legend and underoath at shows here. i just don't think nashville is the place for new wave influenced dance rock...
5) future: my outlook on the future is a little different, i actually would consider owning a house and having a yard and trees, etc.
and last but not least (the most funniest that karina and i discussed)...
6) boys: i am attracted to a completely different type of guy now. i find the 5'o clock shadow to be super attractive and just that whole rugged look. 6 months ago, i vowed never to date a guy with facial hair. but the worst of all, a guy with a truck. that would be great. LOL. i cannot believe i am openly admitting that. but still, there are limits... no hummers or diesels.

anyways... this may or may not all be influenced from life in the south. it could be just the fact that i am getting older and i guess with age comes new perspective on things. but i'm sure my surroundings have a little to deal with it, don't you think?

vulnerability is my enemy

so i am pissed off at myself and am in a horribly bad mood.
it's raining outside and i am sitting here at my computer with endless hope. what am i hoping for? not really sure. i write blogs with the understanding that people do read them, which makes me censor things that may make me vulnerable. i am tired of that. if i am sad, then i can be sad; likewise if i am happy, then i can be happy. where i am going is that, i have been in a gross mood the past couple days. perhaps it's the lonliness settling in along with thoughts of "have i made a mistake?" but that is what i would normally censor. i don't want you to feel sorry for me and call me up or send an email asking to hang out or anything because i wrote that. this empty feeling i have, i really don't think can be filled up by the presence of people.
it's funny. since i have moved, i feel like i have grown closer to God and farther from him at the same time... can this make sense?
today at church the theme of "are we really doing what we say we are doing" was present throughout the message. it's like someone took a match and a gallon of gasoline and lit it on fire inside of me. i have been here 2 months now, and i am now even beginning to question the validity of my dream to work in music. social justice always has a way of getting back into my heart and mind.
in the end there is just one thing i want to do: I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE. honestly, i know that sounds cheesy and something only miss america would say, but that's all i have ever wanted to do. now how i want to help is another thing... i want to minister, educate and aid people. i love the power music has to do those, but i do know that even within a great organizeation the music industry doesn't operate that way... so what am i to do? start another webzine to add to the group? this has been something on my mind, but there has to be something else, something more. i read about all these people going on mission trips around the world, etc. but i know that is not what i am supposed to do... i hate traveling and all that comes with it. anyways, i could go back and forth on all this...
there is another thing that i do know... God wants me here in tennessee, for whatever reason that may be, i know He wants me here.
vulnerability is something i stayed as far away from as possible. whether it would be giving a guy my phone number or going somewhere new. but i feel like i am now extremely vulnerable... i am uncomfortable and am wondering how much more uncomfortable i have to feel until things begin to click.
i don't ask for your pity, this void is self-induced... it's the evil in the world trying to convince me that the God i am following isn't worth it. so what i will ask for, is your prayer. today at church, our pastor said that when someone is praying for you, only good things can come of it. so if you ever have a prayer request, feel free to send it my way... no specific prayer, just that clarity comes from the fog that i presently see.

the irony...

sooo after doing my reading in the bible yesterday i came across something that just didn't make sense to me...
my bible was printed in china
i know what your immediate reaction is going to be also. everything is made in china. yes, i understand that many of what the united states imports is manufactured in china, but a bible? for those of you who do not know, i have almost an obsession with china when it comes to censorship. it was the focus of my thesis and something that still interests me. sooo i am not upset that my bible was produced by cheap labor (that's a whole different topic), but by the fact that it was produced in a country where it is practically illegal to read.
you see, in china you have to register your religion and members have to register their affiliation. also, people who are a member of a religion cannot be in any political role. there are tons and tons of underground churches. they hide because "registered" churches can't say certain things. this is just a brief explanation of how the country works, but do you understand my feelings behind this blog? it just doesn't make any sense to me, that a country that bans such teachings would let it be printed there...
i guess money really does influence even the most strictest of politics...

two months

happy two months of me in tennessee :)

hehe. yes, two months ago i arrived at my new home in franklin...

encouragement when you least expect it...

today one of my friends posted the following comment on my myspace page:

Hey Nicole!
Even though I didn't get to talk to you at length the other day I just thought I should let you know that your litle trek across the country was a big part of what made me realize that I could do it too!...even though I had spend hundreds of dollars getting to the east coast in the first place I know this is where I wanna be right now and I may not have had the courage to do it (and know that everything will be ok) if you hadn't done it first! So thanks for being awesome :D

the past couple days have been tough for me (as i mentioned before, i have my ups and downs...) so to come home to this message, i can't help but think that my worries are petty and that i really am following what is on my heart :) i love my friends.

going back to the roots...

well not really, but today i decided to dig out my collection of christian worship and christian rock cds. many of which, i have not put on my ipod yet. sooo i grabbed all my old audio adrenaline, caedmon's call, switchfoot, etc. cds and listened to them. it's been a while... last night at bible study the women were about how when worship music is on it creates just a better atmosphere. and since today was one of the harder days since my move... (i have some mornings where i wake up and am like what on earth am i doing here?) these are days that are filled with doubt. i thought, what better to cast away the doubt than some worship songs? i flooded my ipod with these cds and enjoyed listening to them.
i don't know why i've been so doubtful today. yesterday was amazing. i didn't do much during the day, ran some errands... but last night i went to a bible study for the women of the church i've been attending and it was so wonderful to get to know them more and just talk. they prayed over me and my worries over my move and i had this feeling. like someone who is cold and puts a blanket over themself to get warm, that God wanted me to be there at that moment... it's hard to explain but i felt even more peaceful. and afterwards i spent a couple hours just talking and it was wonderful.
i really think that the closer i get to God the harder it becomes because there are evils that want to bring me down. which is what happened today. i am doing better now and am about to go off to work :( closing is not fun.

have a good day :)

lessons of a california girl living in the south, part 2.5: conquering the fear of sonic

so i did it, i should have blogged immediately after, but i am bad and forgot to :)
i went to sonic on saturday. i pulled in to the parking lot confused as to which one to go to. i picked one and pressed the button (which was impossible for me to reach from my window without having half of my body out). one thing about sonic. they are the least accomodating to vegitarians... they don't even offer a salad without meat, come on! so i ordered some onion rings and a strawberry limeade. the strawberry limeade was good, but was 80% ice and i am not a big ice person.... sooo in the end it wasn't the best experience... i'm sure meat eaters would enjoy it more :) but i did it and that is what is important. i did something i was scared to do :)

thoughts on a saturday night

i just dyed my hair, probably the second time in a 3 week period... if i keep this up, my hair will fall out in a few years :) i will probably end my craziness with some red chunks in it by the end of the week... i've had two days off from work and it's been nice but also bad. bad because when i am not working i get bored, so i go shopping (which is never good when i am supposed to be saving...). but it's been good because i've had time to hang out with myself. this is something i am growing accustomed to in my move out here. and no, this is not a bad thing, it's rare for me. for years and years i did what i could to get involved and give every second of my day (and more) to organizations, school, work, etc.; never time for myself... the first time i had time with myself and my thoughts i fell into a horrible state of depression, because i had to deal with my thoughts. thoughts of no self-worth and evils. this was the summer after i became a christian. you know you have that euphoric beginning of accepting Christ into your life, that went for most of my sophomore year, but we all were bound for that first test. this was one i thought i would fail. how could i love myself? i remember that summer as if it were yesterday. i was the resident advisor of the apartments, dedicated to sga as vice president (i spent sooo many hours of that summer in that office preparing for a crazy year), lived with an old roomate and took a class each session. but i remember the alone time, i was stuck in a hard spot in my life and knew that i had to deal with my long-running self-esteem issues. people were already coming to me for guidance... i was a leader on campus, but couldn't tell you a good thing about me to convince you why i was a good leader. i remember crying with my roommate and not being able to explain why. i remember wanting God to just make the pain go away. i didn't develop good friendships until after that summer... i always let people get to a certain point in my life before i turned them away with the brick wall i had built around me. i had become a good actor by then, 19 years of a show of me being confident...
i remember turning to someone who i had rarely talked to in my first two years at pepperdine. a woman in campus ministries. they were all church of christ, what would i find there? we taked one afternoon for a couple hours and it was great to share my thoughts with someone. we prayed and i thought all would be perfect after that. but i learned in being a christian one must be ready to climb up the rough hills as much as one is ready to glide down one. this battle with myself was my everest, i let it grow and cultivate until i could no longer see the peak... i never wanted to deal with it, which is why i became super active with high school and college. i figured if i were worrying about everything and everyone else then i would be fine.
i made it past that summer. there was no amazing turning point, it was gradual. but God put me through that to realize that He is there regardless and that i am not in control of everything. that next year, i found myself. i was happy and made friendships which i feel are some of my strongest today. i surrounded myself with people who i knew would bring out the good in me which in the end, i was able to appreciate myself.
of course i still go back and forth, like oh no, i can't fit in my jeans, etc. but no self-esteem battles like the one of that summer. i knew coming out to tennessee i would be faced with more alone time than i was used to, but i guess it's not really alone time cause God is always with me.
i am not sure how i ended up discussing all that, but it's humbling to go back and remember those times.

just when i thought the day would end on an up note...

it has been twenty-four hours since i have gone on the internet. it was difficult at times but i made it! in review the day wasn't too exciting and i probably didn't spend as much time in prayer as i would have hoped, but all-in-all it was good.
i thought i would end the evening on a positive note since it was a gloomy day outside and the weather kind of began to take over my attitude (that and my lack of sleep because of the thunderstorm last night). so i decided to watch "pay it forward."
the movie was amazing up until the end.
NOTE: IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE AND PLAN ON SEEING IT, PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER AS I WILL SPOIL THE ENDING FOR YOU...
honestly, there was no logical reason for him to die at the end. what benefit came from it? it just brought you back to where you were in the beginning... the world is a horrible place. so why did i spend two hours watching a movie that built up some hope within me when in the end all they did was deflate my balloon of hope! his self-sacrificial act was a heroic one and it was good to see all the people who were blessed by his efforts. but couldn't they give him a book deal, send him on a public speaking tour, give him a website? did the kid really have to die? wouldn't it have been better if the thug kids who had the knife, maybe their lives were changed by his "pay it forward" idea and they too decided to give the knife up and help other kids in an after school program or something? for the first 90% of the movie i really thought that i would go out and buy it and do nice things for people... but in the end will i too get stabbed by a knife for my good efforts (not literally). whatever happend to the concept of karma?
as i conclude, i am not a fan of the movie "pay it forward." it makes me want to start a similar movement against stupid ironic endings in movies that make no sense! i do not recommend it unless you want to have your hopes built up like spending all day with some clay and a pottery wheel only to shatter it like taking that pot and dropping it off of a 50-story building.

i still have hope that the world isn't completely horrible...

my twenty-four hour sacrifice

so i feel like i really need to pursue what i think is right in the whole religion thing and i know that it is impossible to figure it all out in twenty-four hours. but tomorrow (since i have the day off) i am going to keep my computer off for the entire day! i know you may be thinking that this is a rediculous sacrifice, but for me it is a difficult one. i read the news every morning, mapquest my entire day and check myspace 57,459,433 times (not really, but you get the point). so tomorrow instead of fasting, i am taking a leave from the computer. it needs as much rest as i do :)
but what i do hope to accomplish is to think and refocus my time on God. i came to nashville following God and it's not nice to follow someone to a new location and then ditch them so i really want to just spend some time in thought and prayer.
today has been a horrendous day for my stress levels and it's all thanks to the beauty of religion. i got an email from someone that just didn't set right and showed me a side of organized religion that i just hoped would cease to exist. so i am going to fold my laundry, run some errands, maybe even read an actual newspaper and not an electronic one... but most importantly i am going to spend a good chunk of time with God and pray for peace.

so i am sorry for you, my avid blog reader, there will be no entry for january 13th... but you should just feel special that i wrote two today :)

thoughts on "in the meantime"

this morning i finished reading "in the meantime: the practice of proactive waiting" by rob brendle. this book came to me at the perfect time because it discusses what to do while you are pursuing your "calling" but still don't know exactly what it is and what you're supposed to do right now. there are some things i need to work on to become closer to God and this book helped me realize that everyone is human and we all struggle with similar things in life. but the book helped knock me back into my strive to live a simplistic life...
for the past couple months i've been thinking about getting a new bible. the one that i have isn't bad, it's just older and i wanted a different version and a new study bible. so i've been looking and thankfully one of my roommates works for a book publishing company so i've been picking her brain on different types of bibles for the past few days. i began to put pressure on myself to find 'THE ONE' and found one that i liked yesterday. but then the question came, do i really want to spend $70 on a new bible? i am striving to live more simply and cut out the excess in my life. yes, a bible is an amazing investment and would go beyond the $70 i used to pay for it. so they are shipping it to the local barnes and noble. so i will check it out when it comes in on monday to make sure it is the one i am looking for. how does this have anything to do with the book i just completed? well, you see. in the second to last chapter he talks about how we need to surround ourselves with the Word of God, which of course is the bible... he suggested that we go and get a cheap bible made of normal paper (not the usual tissue-thin paper) buy a pen and highlighter and go crazy. live within the bible. so i put the book down and thought to myself, that is what i want to do! i really want to study the bible this time around, not just play bible lottery hoping that i will be sent to an amazing verse for the day, but REALLY read it. yes, i have studied it in school and read it before. but it's like reading "frankenstein" by mary shelley. i LOVE this book, it's amazing to me and everytime i read it i see it in a different light. so i feel like i will approach the bible this way. i am out of college and in a new stage in my life and feel that i will see it in a completely different light.
so i am going to put the idea of getting a super-nice, leather-bound, fancy colored bible on the backburner and go out and find a simple bible that i can scribble in and then i figure in a few months i will have a better idea of what type of bible i am truly in search for.

that is just one reaction to the book, there will be more when i get back from work :)

lessons of a california girl living in the south, part 2: the fear of sonic

after twenty-two years of fast food the normal way, you drive up and there is ONE window... imagine going to a foreign place and there are many more... yes, i have a fear of sonic. not the hedgehog or anything else, but the fast food place. why, you ask? well i just don't know how it works... you see, do they all work? can i just go up to one and then magically order? do i really have to eat in my car? are there any vegetarian friendly options? but just driving by one is overwhelming because i have no idea how they function in a normal one-window drive thru society... honestly who goes outside the box like that?
in california we don't have sonic or anything like it, so i have a good reason to be freaked out!

what i really am trying to say is that, deep down i think that i have this fear of the unknown, of something different. like i mentioned in my last post, churches that i am not used to i usually feel uncomfortable because i am not used to it. but i was able to go to a church out of my comfort area so i should be able to make it to a sonic, right? but i am really bad with the unknown and restaurants... i don't know why, that's just how i am. so in the next week i promise you, all those avid 'celebrate mistakes' readers. i will go to sonic and i will conquer this fear. be sure to check back for my reaction blog!

denying a part of me?

i love to pray the rosary... many view it as redundant, boring and irrelevant. who is really paying attention to what they are saying when they repeat so many prayers at a time? yes, i know... but there is something so peaceful and beautiful as your fingers graze over each bead leading you back to where you began, the crucifix. i am in love with tradition. there are few things more beautiful than something that is able to transcend generations to become tradition. i don't worship mary or any of the saints, but ask them for their prayers as if i were asking a friend... i am catholic...
i disagree with the whole birth control thing and though i will never get an abortion myself, i still am not convinced that the government should make that choice for me. i am hesitant on confessing my sins to a priest and am saddened by the many congregations that go to church dreading the hour and get angry when it hits an hour and 10 minutes. i am sad that my friends who visit my church cannot receive the eucharist, cause aren't we all there to be with jesus? maybe i am not so catholic...
for the now seven weeks (tomorrow) that i have been here in tennessee i have come back to war that has been waging in my head for years, ever since i started at pepperdine. what is the significance of religion?

so i sit here today, in franklin, tennessee, in the middle of the bible belt where there is a plethora of churches but catholic ones are scarce. there are a few in the area, but none that have made me excited to be a part of the catholic religion as mine did back home in california. that was an exceptional church and i was sad to see it go. but i can't uproot a church and bring it with me and i know that i have been led here, for whatever reason, i am happy where i am at and know that had i stayed in california i would be depressed. so i guess the point of this blog is what i have been debating in my head for years... am i denying a part of myself by not going to a catholic mass every week? a friend back home told me that i can go to any church but i also have to make sure to receive the eucharist (communion) every week as well. i understand the importance of receiving Jesus every week, but what good is receiving communion if i have to force myself to go to a place where i don't grasp the message or feel comfortable? isn't church supposed to be about a community of people all striving to follow and be like Christ and tell others about Him? honestly, anyone can have a relationship with Jesus, He is omnipresent and with us all the time... but for me, a church helps me remember this through the good and the bad. kind of like a family, they lead you to be a better person and comfort you through the ups and downs... the church does the same but focuses leading you to be a better person through the emulation of Christ. so how important is organized religion versus a small group? good question, i have no clue. then again, i am no scholar in all this stuff... but can an organized religion really hold over anyone's head that they are to remain completely dedicated to that one organization? i am not pledging a sorority... i just really dislike the fact that i am hesitant to enter another church because it is not catholic. it's like i've become discriminatory against other religions...
so this morning, i went to a church... not expecting to like it. i just wanted to knock another one off my list, cause that is what i am accustomed to. i think that deep down that i try to find something wrong, it's like i am scared to actually like something. it was amazing. such a blessing to be amongst a small group of people who love Jesus and were the most welcoming church i think i have ever been to in my life. i obviously stuck out (since it was such a small church) so EVERYONE had to find out who i was and how i ended up there... but they all really seemed to care. maybe it's the fact that southern people are just so much nicer than those out west (no offense, but it's true). but regardless, i felt like God put that seat in there for me. there were so many things throughout the message that were like "HELLO NICOLE, I WROTE THIS FOR YOU..." so am i wrong for liking a church that is a polar opposite of what i grew up attending?
honestly, the fact that i am writing this blog makes me really think that there is evil in organized religion because it makes me doubt... and doubting takes me away from what i go to church for and that is to strengthen my relationship with Christ...

revenge is never sweet

"and after all the stupid things i did, there's nothing left there to forgive, because you already forgave me..." -relient k

you know how survey's say that the number one thing that most people are scared of is public speaking followed by death. i would like to bet that most of those people who are scared of public speaking and ask them, would you rather speak in front of a group or come face to face with that one person in your life who you swore you would never forgive and forgive them? my guess is that they would be finding the nearest speech class and off to buy some notecards. isn't it amazing how we let things haunt us? this past summer i was forced to face many of those skeletons in my closet. there were a handful of people who i would rather never speak to the rest of my life, but one by one they all re-entered my life... whether it was a random phone call, a myspace message or even me volunteering to work in the same organization; these people had hurt me in the past and i wanted nothing to do with them. but God wanted me to deal with them and i learned that forgiveness is a beautiful thing! how can i expect that God will forgive me if i can't even forgive people for things that are probably more petty than my sins.
the concept of forgiveness was put into my head while we were watching tv tonight. there was a show where a man who was trying to make a difference with his life admitted to killing his pastor's son many years back and has felt remorse over it since it happened while he was an adolescent on the streets. this pastor didn't forgive him, but he did something even worse. he gave his address to the gang leader who was after him so he could kill him. this disturbed me beyond belief. (yes, i know it was a tv show... but i get so emotionally involved it gets me all frustrated!) a pastor, who preaches forgiveness, sought revenge... the irony kills me.

moving on, a few months back while i was working at church, we had a night based on reconciliation (it's a catholic thing, also called 'confession') and for most of my life i have disagreed with the catholic church on the topic of confession. i had gone to confession once before in my life and that was for my first confession. but we had a night for the teens about confession and i was dreading it more than a visit to the dentist. one because i felt like i wasn't practicing what i was preaching. here i was telling these teens to go to confession, when i hadn't done it in like 13 years. secondly, i've never liked the idea of spilling my thoughts to a priest. so the night began and one of the leaders gave a great talk on what confession really is. and i was actually considering doing it! so when the night was winding down and the line was getting shorter, i got in line... i had no idea what i was doing and didn't even remember what i was supposed to say! i was crying and i remember a bunch of people just coming over and praying for me (they had no idea that i hadn't been to confession in FOREVER, but i felt like each prayer was that much more strenghtening). then it came for me to go and i couldn't believe i had made it this far! so i went in and talked with the priest. i cried the entire time and it was just amazing because i knew God was there. the incredible thing about it all though, at the end of confession the priest instructs you on ways to improve yourself so that you don't fall into sin as deep and as quick as before, he didn't tell me to say like 10 hail mary's but just said to look at the positive side of things and how God blessed me each day. i was like, that's strange... what on earth are you talking about? i'm positive... afterwards i just sat and reflected... that night i went home and kept thinking about negative things and then i stopped myself and thought whoa! how did the priest know that i would dwell on the negative? and i knew that i wasn't just talking to a priest that night but Jesus was there too. and from that moment on, the concept of forgiveness just blows me away. because it takes so much to forgive and the idea that we are forgiven everyday for our mistakes is remarkable! i am still very hesitant with confession, but i knew that on that particular night, God wanted me to talk to someone about my thoughts and i am glad that i did.

to conclude this long entry, i know that i still have to work on not holding grudges and just letting things pass. it's hard, but inevitably, i think it can be done...

a forwarded message

so i saw this posted and thought it would be fun to post on my blog:

1. First Imporant Lesson

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed t o be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..
It read:

"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, was one quarter, two dimes and five pennies.

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

a reaction...

imagine a mixed race couple having to hide their love for each other because it wasn't socially acceptable; or perhaps a rich woman and a destitute man having to live a life that is unhappy because society won't accept them together... unfair right? would it still be unfair if a gay couple had to hide their feelings because the world wasn't ready for them to be together?
well today i saw "brokeback mountain" and i know what your immediate reaction is going to be, and that is fine, but this is my reaction to the movie. i don't want to debate whether homosexuality is correct or not...
the world makes no sense to me... and it didn't take this movie to make me realize that, but it just reminded me of how i don't believe i will ever be able to understand how things work.
essentially, it was a love story that could never flourish. the modern-day romeo and juliet. but it also made me think about how much we suppress of our own individuality to conform to society (and i am don't mean sexual orientation) but just of little things, like trying to wear the trendy clothes or keeping up with the jones'. is the world turning into one pot of mush? will we one day all strive so much to be like the next person that we lose any sense of originality? professors have all had different theories on how to describe the united states. some call it a salad, others minestrone soup, or the infamous melting pot. i pray that we don't end up a melting pot, but prefer to look at the world as a salad (the ingredients stay as they are without blending in with its environment)... not sure if any of this is making sense :)
the movie was a sad portrait into the pain and heartache that people go through to do what they can to be what the world wants them to be... what is even more sad to me is that it still goes on today, in a world that is in pursuit of peace and love there is still so much sadness.
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speaking of sadness, i feel that as i grow older i am retiring my optimist hat and becoming an extreme pessimist/worse case scenario person. i do not like the direction i am heading in. i used to be all happy faces and flowers, but now i feel all i think about is the worse case scenario! a priest a few months back told me that i need to start looking towards the positive and what God brings me each day. but i somehow am able to turn the positive into negative. like if i am blessed with a gift i am filled with sadness for those who are starving in other parts of the world and how i am undeserving of such blessings, you know?

thoughts on money...

the past week the concept of money has consumed my mind. isn't it funny how money can control someone and get them to lose focus on things that are actually important? but coming into a lot of money can be bad too, i read a story about a man who won the lottery then got divorced and their kids died of drug overdoses and he ended up being killed or something all because their "dreams came true."
and i am not thinking about money because i don't have a job, i will be fine for a couple months but more in long term. i want to go back to school, but am deterred from embarking on furthering my education because of the cost. pepperdine set me back a few dollars and i have a degree in international studies with an emphasis in political studies, so what would i even want to pursue beyond that? yes, an mba would be the 'best' thing i could do because it is so versitile but i hated being a business major for all of a semester. but i digress from my topic of discussion.

in the end (before i jump on a socialist platform...) it saddens me that economy runs everything. christmas is now a business run holiday and that's why i was pretty just anti- the holiday this past year. but everything we do revolves around currency, shouldn't it be centered around something else?

new year's resolution

before i begin to discuss what i hope to make different about my life for the upcoming calendar year i would love to recap my past couple days :)
on tuesday i flew to chicago on probably one of the best flights i have ever had. the flight crew was hillarious! :) i was picked up by a couple friends and we took the metro to the hotel. the next day we woke up very early and went shopping around chicago and then went up to their home in michigan. i spent a couple days venturing around michigan and on friday the three of us with their dog drove down to tennessee and we celebrated the new year and they left this morning.
it was sooooo nice to be with good friends cause it has been 6 weeks since i have moved. i knew that hanging out with them would make me miss california and i do. i am also reading this book about "waiting" while you are figuring out life and part of me still questions whether the move was a good thing. the idea of working in music is appealing, of course, but is it really where my heart lies? we all got in a conversation about going back to grad school, which is something we all want to do, but when is a good time? am i really willing to accumulate that much more debt for education? i do miss school so much.
all this rambling does lead to the topic of discussion... my new year's resolution. a couple weeks ago i thought that new year's resolutions are stupid, why prolong what can be done today? like, if i am going to lose weight, why should i wait until january 1st to do it? what is the difference between november 29th versus january 1st?
anyways, after a great discussion over dinner last night there is one thing that i would like to start to work on, and probably started this when i moved here but now it's in my mind and i am going to actively pursue it.
finding out who i am...
i know what you are thinking, we always are trying to find out who we are. this i understand, but i have lived a life dedicated to serving everyone but me. don't think this is me turning into an egotistical self-centered person, but more as a "to serve others better i need to care about myself too." for example, i would become sick from not sleeping and stressing so that others could live easier and i can't keep doing this or my life won't go as long as i will anticipate it to. there are things i know; my favorite color is green, i like rock music, etc. but what do i want out of life? what do i want out of moving to tennessee? essentially i need to answer the question, "what do i want" as opposed to "what is it that others want me to do"